Charlie Sheen was just like, "Screw it, I'm moving in with my hooker." Lindsay Lohan is no longer marketable. Britney Spears' nipples cause consternation. Jon Gosselin would like to sell you a car. Saturday's Gossip roundup is learning the ropes.

  • Apparently it is common knowledge that Charlie Sheen has a "paid escort friend." And he has been "having an affair" for a while with her—one of the many reasons his marriage to Brooke Mueller is now falling apart. Which, we're pretty sure means just paying her to have sex with him? Can one "have an affair" with a hooker? Anyway. The two must have negotiated a new contract, because the hooker has moved in. Brooke has moved out, because she is not cool with coming down for breakfast in the morning and seeing Charlie and his hooker canoodling over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. It's like, what is this I Love Lucy? Lighten up, Brooke! Brooke is now homeless and living in a spa. [Radar, TMZ]
  • Britney Spears and her dad are fighting over whether it's OK for her to constantly flash her nipples like semaphore signals to some distant bro passing in the night. He wants her to wear a bra! Jamie Spears is reportedly threatening to fire one of Brit's security guards because he keeps letting her get photographed with her headlights on. But TMZ says that actually, there hasn't been any boob-regulating by Jamie. Good! So what if Britney's gumdrops are captured in the sulfuric glare of the paparazzi's flash. Did Women's Lib not even happen? Fly free, Brit. [Sun][TMZ]
  • Lilo! She has gotten fired from a movie because she is not "bankable," according to TMZ. The movie was "The Other Side," which is about "a grad student working on a deserted island." Wow! This sounds like a good movie! Thank God the writer/director of the film, David Michaels made the super savvy decision to fire Lindsay Lohan. Because she was definitely the film's biggest problem. [TMZ]
  • T.I. once famously asked, "What you know about that?" If "that" is last week's ESPN: The Magazine party, then "what we know" is that T.I. was P.O.'d that he was not able to get a V.I.P. table. Damn, you do not piss off T.I. ESPN: The Magazine just dodged a bullet. (This is funny because T.I. just got out of jail for gun crimes.) [P6]
  • Steven Seagal: Did he or did he not possess sex slaves? (Sorry—"sex servants." They were free to come and go as they pleased.) We will have to wait a little while longer to find out the answer to this question because the lawsuit filed by former alleged sex servant Kayden Nguyen is on hold. Here's the thing: Sure, Steven Seagal allegedly kept two Russian sex servants at his beck and call. But at least he had two of them so they wouldn't be lonely. [E!]
  • Flamboyant ice skater Johnny Weir has emerged from his cryogenic pod to say something to the media. What he said is that he is working on a single: "A little bit Lady Gaga mixed with the Scissor Sisters mixed with Sam Sparro." Also, he would "love to dress Lady Gaga." He then closed the lid on his icy sarcophagus and was lowered back into SkateWorldUSA's underground lair.
  • Is this a thing? A person named Louis van Amstel, whom US Magazine says was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, has said that Kate Gosselin "needs a psychologist." Gosselin was booted from DWTS on Tuesday. So, is the psychologist supposed to make her a better dancer, or what? A dance psychologist? [US]
  • Speaking of people named Gosselin: Jon Gosselin is very broke and is selling his BMW M3 for $25,000. You'll have to pay for the full steam-cleaning, fumigation and exorcism yourself. [NYDN]
  • Yay! Dexter star Michael C. Hall is "fully recovered" from cancer. [PopEater]
  • Boo! Kim Kardashian says her ex-husband, Damon Thomas, beat her and forced her to get liposuction. [NYDN]