New York's Scotland-themed "Dressed to Kilt" fashion show is our annual reminder that male celebrities have bodies significantly worse than their female peers. Whereas lady catwalkers are bronzed, buffed, and waxed, these men are a parade of pasty chicken-legs.

In the interest of fairness, let us view these men's exposed bodies and judge them harshly.*

Click here to view on one page. Images via Getty.

Not only are Mike Meyers' legs painfully pasty, there is a scrape on one of them. You think Heidi Klum's legs got to be worth $2 million with flaky shins? Nein.

Kyle MacLachlan is, admittedly, adorable. But where is the posture coach for this man? Shoulders back, chest out, and wipe that smile off your face. Fashion is about pain.

Al Roker is looking svelte, but what's with his triple-teabag male strip club pose? This is a gateway for a "three invisible dicks" joke.

When your father is Donald Trump, you should avoid unnatural hairstyles. Donald Trump, Jr. makes things easy for his haters.

District Attorney Jack McCoy has some sass in his step. Sam Waterson is working it and his knees barely sag, which is impressive.

No, Alan, you're supposed to get waxed before the show, not during it.

Kelly Bensimon understands the rules of celebrity. She could be naked and you wouldn't even know it—her skin is so sandblasted, firmed, lifted, tightened, and bronzed to a uniform hue of honey-roasted peanut that she is basically in a fancy suit of leather at all times. She feels sad for the male celebrities' blobby, flawed, all-too-human bodies, so she removed her shoes in solidarity.

* This was actually a kind, positive charity event benefiting wounded veterans and featuring people with all manner of body types. But you know what? Celebrities, therefore judgment.