Brad goes out of town and Angie flies into a depressive rage, Madonna's face is bloated (with restylane?), Anne Hathaway is in a car crash with a stylish cyclist. Thursday's gossip is full of peril.

  • Angelina Jolie's "SUICIDE ATTEMPT!" is all over the National Enquirer, which says Angie had a separation anxiety attack when Brad went to France, and confessed suicidal impulses to him by phone. Why did no other tabloid report this story, despite a cavalcade of siren-blaring emergency vehicles rolling up to the Jolie-Pitt fortress to rescue the damsel in distress? Why, because Brad and Ange are hiding it from the kids—hiding it so well even the paps didn't notice. [NatEnq]
  • Madonna looks like she's had new work done in her new Dolce & Gabana ads. [fig.1] Is her face usually so puffy? Whereas rich plastic ladies used to have excessively tight skin due to too many facelifts, the advent of cosmetic fillers now renders them pillowy-plump bloats. What a fascinating world we live in, where the elderly females of the species display the status of medical innovation on the fronts of their heads. [3am]
  • Tiger Woods will be alone for the holidays. Elin is taking the kids with her to Sweden for an indefinite period of time, starting now-ish, and they will not return for a few weeks, at least. [People]
  • Anne Hathaway was riding shotgun in a car when a cyclist—on a fancy-looking hipster bike with hot pink pedals and dusty lilac frame that matched his purple socks [fig.2]—got ran over. Nobody was injured, so it is now OK to note that, between the candy colors and Annie's lovely face, this must be the prettiest near-death tableau I have ever seen. [TMZ]
  • Of course Jennifer Garner is the overactive, maniacally perfect mother who makes baby food from scratch. [ShowBizSpy]
  • On the opposite end of the maternal spectrum, Courtney Love not only lost custody of her daughter, but lost the right to see and speak to her. Frances Bean Cobain now has a restraining order. Frances Bean and her new guardians aren't giving comment, but Courtney's scattering her usual trainwreck utterances across her Facebook page. [P6]
  • And on the, um, gross end of the spectrum: Sarah Jessica Parker's son "misses my mole," which she had removed from face. She also talks about being "bloodied and scabbed," and, ugh, it's all getting a little too real for me. [ShowBizSpy]
  • Jessica Simpson denies the ludicrous claim that she had sex with Tiger Woods, via Twitter. Star's story was "a JOKE" and "A LIE!" [E!]
  • Nonetheless, Page Six is taking a page from Star's book: "Madonna and Tiger Linked!" But wait: It's ironic, or a bait and switch: The item is actually about Madge visiting Tiger's druggie doc at some point. [P6]
  • One last Tiger Woods item, which may actually reveal something about his inner state: Tiger's high school/college sweetheart gave E! a handwritten break-up letter from Tiger in which he "inform[s]" her "of my absolute anger and disappointment in you" for telling the press she was his girlfriend. "P.S. Please mail my necklace that I gave to you when you get back home. Don't show up at the tournament tomorrow because you are just not welcomed." Silence, it seems, is golden to Tiger, which means Elin remains the only girl for him, because the rest are talk-talk-talk. (Except Joslyn James! Maybe the scary-looking porn star will win after all.) [E!]

Figure 1.

Figure 2.