Jennifer Aniston: now eliciting tabloid sympathy. Scott Rudin: still a dick, but a funny one who hates his mother. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart: prisoners of the vampire kingdom, which needs to go. Winehouse: mess-y. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • The best part about this Page Six item regarding Jennifer Aniston's fears and apprehensions over Gerard Butler completely forgetting who she is now that they're done shooting their film? When they refer to Butler's dog as a "pug of war." I want a "pug of war." Also, the way the tabloids have gone from writing about Jennifer Aniston in the mean ha-ha way to writing about Aniston in the "oh, god, her love life is such a mess we almost feel bad" way is almost worse, now. [Page Six]

  • Well, Page Six pulled one of the better, more hysterical Scott Rudin stories I've ever heard. LOL-worthy stuff, this is:

  • "As we sped along the expressway, Scott's phone buzzed," writes Rudnick. "He answered it, and his face became a mask of rage. He yelled, 'How did you get this number?' and hurled the phone at the windshield. 'Who was it?' I asked. 'My mother,' he replied, instantly calm."

  • My feelings exactly. Scott Rudin's just a tortured Jewish kid, get it? [Page Six]

  • Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart hate the paparazzi. Like, hate them. The paps are holding Pats and K-Stew prisoner in their lives. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart finally admits that she understands the formula making Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series so resonate amongst hypnotized teenagers: Vampires are sexy. Yes, and also, blood-sucking, money-sucking, and sleazy. Can we start the anti-vampire movement, here? Not the we-hate-vampires thing in True Blood, but more like the Vampires Suck Categorically More Than They Do, Literally movement. We should just move on to robots, or something equally ridiculous. Please. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Chris Brown is going to, uh, have dance parties to repent for his bout of domestic violence? He can maybe invent a new dance, something like the Soulja Boy, but far slicker. You know how the moonwalk makes someone look like they're not really moving? Chris Brown can do that, except instead of taking him off the stage, he could slide into obscurity incredibly smoothly. [NYDN]

  • How can LeAnn Rimes live without you, or her ex? Pretty easily, apparently. She misspelled the name of her ex on an annoucement to her fans on her website. FAIL. [Page Six]

  • Amy Winhouse may or may not be back with Blake, the crackhead ex-husband with whom she shares an intensely sadomasochistic relationship with. This is the kind of thing that could produce a great Winehouse album, which I'm convinced she still has in her. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Rumer Willis wants a family reunion on screen with Demi, Bruce, and herself. Sure, whatever, just leave Koosher out of it. Also, this could make a great final chapter in the Die Hard franchise. [People]

  • The Hanson bros are basically like, the Jonas Bros jacked out act. TRUTH. [TMZ]

  • Audrina Patridge, the salutatorian of The Hills, is gearing up for her own "spicier, edgier, older" television show after "graduating" from The Hills. I wonder what that commencement speech sounds like. [People]

  • Michaela Watkins: fired from SNL. EW gets the first interview where she admits that she doesn't know what Lorne Michaels was thinking, but he did tell her that she deserves her own show. Which, yes, is probably what he says to everyone when he cans them. Including his support staff. [EW]

  • Ashlee Simpson, whose name I hate spelling out because it makes me feel like I've been netted in a wide conspiracy to make the universe far stupider than it was two minutes ago, tells Rachel Ray that she could "do the splits" when she was preggers. And how, exactly, did she know this? [US]

  • Jon Gosselin's grandmother fell in the driveway of the Gosselin complex and had to be taken to the hospital. [People]

And for those who made it to the bottom today, a treat: I've found this so called Pug of War. It is wonderful:

If this is what Gerard Butler has, then yes, I absolutely want one. Also, if I were Aniston, yes, I'd be worried.