Nick Jonas, the littlest Jonas brother, has officially completed his transition from young, purity-ring-wearing, boy-band boy to grown-up, Marky-Mark-lite, faking-orgasms-with-topless-ladies cable-television man.

The internet is washing its hands in scalding hot water over and over a thousand times today, following a very detailed report that a sex tape featuring "a large dildo," "a gag ball" "a slapper paddle," and the slapper paddle known as Joe Jonas is about to surface online.

Every once in a while, a name comes a long that is so fake, so not-real, so obviously made up, that you literally cannot fathom an alternate universe in which it might ever exist.

Ooh la la! Joe Jonas, previously chaste member of the purity ring-wearing boy group The Jonas Brothers, has gone and Timberlaked — striking it out on his own as a singer and releasing a sexxxy, sex-filled new sex video. Or music video, whatever.

Along with pastry-making, add "cooking for children" to the list of tasks cheftestants really hate. This week, the All-Stars concocted a snack for a kids' slumber party at the Museum of Natural History, and well, things went downhill from there.

Pop star Joe Jonas was stopped by airport security in Abu Dhabi on Wednesday because he'd packed knives in his carry-on luggage by mistake. Yeah, that's what they all say. According to girlfriend Ashley Greene, he responded by saying "Whoopsies!"

Kanye West confirms that a picture of his giant penis is real. Courtney Love is obsessed with her Wikipedia page. Lil' Wayne gets out of prison. Thursday gossip proudly lets it all hang out.

Disney actress and singer Demi Lovato is quitting her tour with the Jonas brothers and entering a "treatment center," apparently for "emotional and physical issues," like "exhaustion," or possibly "being raised from birth as some kind of acting-singing prodigy monster-child."

Kevin Jonas, the freakiest member of funk-metal band The Jonas Brothers, is selling his Westlake, Texas home for $2.2 million. Imagine the insane sexual craziness that went down between those walls. I'll bet you can almost smell the debauchery.

Inside, we have highlights from this week's edition of The Soup. Who were the targets? Andy Rooney, the bleach fight on Bad Girls Club, Oprah's interview with JK Rowling, the new Jonas Brothers hit single "Rain" and more!

It's all very simple, as far as AOL's CEO is concerned: The Web is ugly because it was designed by Silicon Valley nerds, so let's hire creative geniuses like the Jonas Brothers to redesign it.

The Heidi Montag Sex Tape keeps getting sexier! Justin Timberlake is the face of a women's perfume. A Jonas brother has a new girlfriend. True Blood stars get married! Sunday Gossip Roundup is battered and deep fried.

On this morning's Fox & Friends, Disney star Demi Lovato dished on the bad habits of her co-stars/ tour buddies/ former flames, the Jonas Brothers. During the segment, Lovato exposed the diabetes-be-damned sweet tooth of Nick Jonas.

Today at Gawker.TV, Jonas Brothers invade Fox & Friends, Spring Break on Dinah Shore, a friend of the Craigslist Killer speaks,The Soup examines everything that's wrong with America, and a woman who can't remember anything past the year 1994.

Double entendres! Camp Rock 2! Panning shots of an excited audience composed of toddlers and teens! Road Dogs! Tiger Beat! Over fifteen minutes of visual goodies edited down to less than four for your viewing pleasure enclosed. Ronald Reagan!

Tonight, the versatile—uh, I mean, middle—Jonas Brother, Joe, guest starred on Hot in Cleveland in an episode filled with family drama, cliched teen gadgets, texting, Justin Bieber, and "Look, I'm a man now!" facial hair. Inside, video highlights.

Ticket sales for all the concerts in the country combined has dropped to a new low, and many big-name acts are under-performing. How could this happen? Maybe because all the bands are old and no one wants to see them.

[Of course they're fucking Yankees fans. Joe and Nick Jonas, of seminal acid-prog rock trio the Jonas Brothers, at Evil Empire stadium last night. Also, Jeter sucks. Iimage via Splash]

Lindsay's alcohol education deadline is up, and she's three classes behind and in Cannes. The Jonas Brothers get trapped in an elevator and escape only because they are thin. Courtney Love had sex with Kate Moss. Thursday's gossip has arrived.

Kevin Jonas, aka "The Ugly One" of the Jonas Brothers, was a celebrity contestant on tonight's Minute to Win It. Flanked by his wife (yes, wife), brothers and parents, Jonas competed admirably—and homoerotically. Inside, ~*~fabulous~*~ video highlights. *Snaps*