But you won't. No one ever will. Also in the news are Chris Brown and Rihanna (for the first time ever), Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Madonna, and Tommy-Tom Brady.

  • Aniston was in Germany promoting her sad little dog movie, Marley & Me, with her sadsack costar Owen Wilson, doing sad things like eating dog biscuits for the shrieking delight of strangely-dressed Europeans. Jen then volunteered to get down on all floors and eat poop if it meant that everyone would love her again, but the German people—always kind, always understanding—put her to sleep instead. [NYDN]
  • Was Rihanna's World's Worst Fan Chris Brown canoodle-dancin' with big-butted Kim Kardashian's probably also big-butted sister Khloe in Miami? That's what E! thought yesterday. Turns out they were wrong. When asked if she was in fact cutting rugs with the ruined crooner, Khloe said she'd never met him, but then begged and pleaded for the cameras and news reporters to stay while she twirled her dress and batted her eyelashes and a cold rain fell on Miami. [P6]
  • Katie Holmes wants you to stop saying horrible things about Suri, she's just a child after all, and you should stop paying attention to her, she recently told Glamour magazine in a cover-story interview. [Us]
  • Madonna's little Brazilian youth sex-outreach project, Jesus Luz, fingered his nose at Madonna's ex-lover Alex Rodriguez by wearing a Yankees cap when he went to Maddy's Kabbalah center in New York. Fearing embarrassment, though, Jesus had Madonna drop him off a block away from the center so his friends wouldn't see that she drove him. [Us]
  • Ugly, stupid bitch Gisele Bundchen, some sort of stupid dummy model, has gone and snarled her snake-y talon claws into America's Greatest Hero, noble-but-wounded New England Patriots quarterback Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. She'll be the step-mother to Brady's child, born by the wicked, minnowy actress Bridget Moynahan, who must have done something terrible to make this noble God of Truth, Justice, and Bedroom Eyes to treat her the way he did. A nation mourns. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Britney Spears is worried that her "comeback" tour will flop. She's finally got a good head on her shoulders, hasn't she? [ShowbizSpy]