You, the American consumer, are much like a mildly sedated monkey: passive; easily distracted; focused upon only the most superficial occurrences. A clothing corporation celebrates these traits in a new advertisement that will certainly catch your attention, you shallow monkey.

The most surprising aspect of Forbes' list of the world's highest paid models is that the names here don't make more money. Considering that DJ Pauly D earned $13 million within the very same time frame, the $7.2 million second-highest-grossing figure Miranda Kerr brought in seems low. Also, no Kate Upton.

Rumors continue to swirl that Gisele Bündchen has spent the last nine months in a state of utter pregnancy after the supermodel posted a Facebook update revealing she gave birth on Wednesday.

LiLo will disrobe for close to $1 million. Demi visits Ashton at work. Christina Hendricks craves things that are "smooth on the tongue." Gisele Bundchen pulls a Gwyneth. Tuesday gossip shakes its moneymaker.

Like it or not, a pretty lady is way richer than you. And you'll just have to deal with it. Also today: HBO is making the classiest thing ever made, two funny ladies are teaming up to get your motor running, and Anderson Cooper has a new website.

Move over Jen Aniston, we have a new queen of sad jiltedness. And sadness, thy name is Bridget Moynihan. Also today: Two TV powerhouses are welcoming new children into their lives, LeBron's mom is in trouble, and Kanye likes the ladies.

Hey bitches and Kath-eters alike, I'm the new intern at Gawker. Here's my first journalistic assignment. Enjoy these photo captions. Oh, I'm on an Ambien, Adderall & the world's last remaining Quaalude.

Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe pull the plug on their predatory credit card. Lindsay Lohan wants a restraining order against paparazzi. Tom Brady battles male pattern baldness. Brad Pitt's plague of poor fashion choices returns. Tuesday gossip is a lost cause.

[Gisele Bundchen and baby Benjamin—her nine-month-old child with husband Tom Brady—romp in Miami. Impossible as it may seem, the smaller human in this picture actually came out of the larger human. Another photo below.]

Gisele singlehandedly keeps a party alive by whispering sweet nothings. Britney's conservatorship is phasing out. Kelly Osbourne sees herself in a bikini and cries. John Oliver gets engaged. Monday gossip is impervious to seduction.

Denied entry from Japan for being a cokehead, Paris Hilton tweets ominously. Nicole Richie has a bachelorette party in Mexico. Lindsay Lohan might be denied bail after her latest probation violation. Wednesday gossip terrorizes innocent women, children, and men.

Maxim's new Lindsay Lohan cover story coincides with the starlet's freedom. Gisele Bundchen tells women what to do with their breasts. Christina Hendricks used to be goth. Pregnant man has third child. Tuesday gossip lifts and separates.

Did you know that traders at the troubled investment bank are legendary health nuts? It's true! So could a fastfood eating contest between 10 mortgage traders at the firm have lead to the housing market collapse of 2007?

• Marc Jacobs says he's totally over having celebrities at his fashion shows because it's boring, and the only reason Lady Gaga and Madonna turned up to his show last year was because Gaga was performing at the after-party and Madonna, well, she just showed up. "She came backstage, and I was like, 'What do you do with her now?' Because it's not like she was invited." Somewhere, Madonna is burning all of her Marc Jacobs clothing. [P6]
• Rumors have been swirling recently that Ben Affleck fell off the wagon recently and is now drinking again. (He checked himself into rehab back in 2001.) On Monday, a bearded Affleck was spotted "cruising aimlessly" at the Chateau Marmont and "looking worse for wear." Uh oh. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, has scored herself a job. A day after sitting down with Extra's Mario Lopez for an interview and now the show has hired her as its new nightlife correspondent. Just like hooker-turned-sex columnist Ashley Dupre, Uchitel is proving that you can make a big bunch of terrible decisions in life and come out ahead in the end, provided you have no shame and a burning desire to be famous. [P6]

Nuclear Wintour may be blocking SuBo from Vogue—but her motive would be pure. Rachel Uchitel gets a job, Madonna gets a new beau. Is the "oral surgery" delaying Lil' Wayne's incarceration for his grill? Wednesday gossip cometh.

• There's a good chance you'll be seeing the cast of Jersey Shore in the tents at Fashion Week. (If, that is, you happen to be going to Fashion Week.) MTV's newest crop of reality stars have been asking to tickets to shows, and a few designers have extended invites to "to attend or even model." [P6]
• If you wanted to go to business school but didn't do so well on the GMATs, Diddy is here to help. He says he plans to open a business school in New York City in the near future. [Starpulse, Us]
• Michael Jackson's "personal physician," Dr. Conrad Murray, is expected to surrender to the authorities today in connection with charges he played a role in Jackson's death. He'll likely be charged with involuntary manslaughter, which could land him four years in jail. [TMZ]
• Perpetual brat Kanye West threw a fit while flying back to New York from LA when he was told he and his assistant would have to sit in business class, not first. The temper tantrum paid off, though: The airline found room for him in the front of the plane and the rest of the flight went off without a hitch. [P6]

• Have Madonna and Jesus Luz gone their separate ways? That's what report today indicates, suggesting it was the couple's "overall lack of mutual interests" that caused the split and it was Luz who called things off. [CST]
• Rip Torn appeared in court yesterday and was formally charged with trespassing, burglary, and possessing a firearm following his arrest over the weekend for breaking into a bank because he thought it was his own house. In all fairness, though, Torn was in rural Connecticut and the "bank" is located in a two-story colonial, so this could have been a mistake that anyone could have made, no? Maybe not. Either way, Torn is now headed to rehab upstate. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Charlize Theron recently split up with her longtime partner, Stuart Townsend, but she may already have a new man in her life: Theron was spotted in LA last week on what appeared to be a date. [P6]
• Haven't the people of Haiti suffered enough? Hot on the heels of John Travolta's trip to the devastated nation to spread Scientology to the masses and now Michael Lohan and Kate Major say they, too, are planning to head to Haiti to "help" quake victims. [Radar]

• Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show has finished shooting. So, naturally, her "relationship" with former American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis has come to an end, too. She's reportedly on the hunt for a new boyfriend, though, so if you know someone who'd a good match for the fame-obsessed socialite, do get in touch. [P6]
• Is it possible that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie planted those breakup rumors because it's Oscar season, they haven't been nominated for anything, and they wanted to make sure they remained in the spotlight? Anything's possible, right? [E!, NYDN]
• Padma Lakshmi is due to give birth next month, but she's still isn't revealing who the baby daddy is. Could it be on-again, off-again boyfriend and billionaire financier Teddy Forstmann? Or on-again, off-again boyfriend and venture capitalist Adam Dell, the younger brother of computer mogul Michael Dell? The mystery continues! [P6]
• Here's a sign of the apocalypse: Will Smith is thinking about running for president. (Yes, President of the United States.) [Popeater]

Is Kate Moss so old that this is elegant, or so young that it's ironic? Michael Lohan is in trouble with the law again. Ashley Dupre's Playboy carousing gets an ominous write-up. Suri Cruise throws an adorable tantrum. TGIFriday gossip.

• Lady Gaga collapsed in her dressing room last night just before she was set to perform at Purdue University. Paramedics were called and she reported she was "feeling dizzy and having trouble breathing," and the concert had to be canceled. But she's okay today and has since apologized to her "little monsters" (fans) on Twitter, so everything is cool now. [Sun, MTV]
• Lindsay Lohan hung out with Jersey Shore's Paul "DJ Pauly D" Devecchio and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino at a club in LA the other night. If you, too, want to fist-pump with Pauly, you can: He'll be DJing at a Midtown baron Jan. 23, and the cover is only $10. [Us, NYP]
• George Clooney is hosting a telethon next week to raise funds for Haiti. Other celebs pitching in to help: Gisele Bundchen has pledged $1.5 million with husband Tom Brady; Madonna says she's good for $250K; and David Blaine is performing for three days in Times Square as part of a fundraiser for the Red Cross. [Us, NYDN, People]