Which Presidential Candidates Have Suffered Brain Damage?
It’s a widely accepted fact that the current lineup of candidates for president of the United States consists mainly of self-obsessed clowns and/or displaced SNL parodies of historical tyrants. But—what if it wasn’t entirely their fault?
What if, maybe—just maybe—all the candidates parading around on our television screens actually suffer from mild to moderate brain damage? Would it not make sense that the only people delusional enough to truly, genuinely believe that they would be the single best person to run the country might have irreversibly damaged cells sloshing around in their skulls?
In the pursuit of truth, we reached out to each and every presidential candidate currently polling above one percent to find out, once and for all, whether they are in fact suffering from some degree of brain damage. And while we have consulted the Mayo Clinic(‘s website) to judge our various patients’ symptoms, until we hear definitively from the candidates themselves, we’re forced to consider each case open.
Donald Trump
Symptoms:
- Mood changes or mood swings
- Difficulty understanding others
- Shortened attention span
- Inability to understand abstract concepts
- Impaired decision-making ability
- Irritability and impatience
- Increased aggressiveness
- Heightened emotions or reactions
- Denial of disability [Please see the following.]
Diagnosis:
While Donald Trump does appear to suffer from more symptoms of brain damage than any other candidate, as his representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Ben Carson
Symptoms:
- Fatigue or drowsiness
- Slurred speech
- Sluggishness
- Difficulty remembering new information
- Profound confusion [Namely as it relates to belt buckles, hammers, riots, psychology tests, pyramids, West Point scholarships, and Mannatech.]
Diagnosis:
As Ben Carson’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Marco Rubio
Symptoms:
- Impaired decision-making ability [Specifically his decision to have a beer with Muslim teen Malala.]
- Profound confusion [See: delusions of grandeur.]
- Loss of coordination
Diagnosis:
As Marco Rubio’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Ted Cruz
Symptoms:
- Difficulty remembering new information
- Agitation or combativeness [Specifically towards Syrian refugees.]
- Memory loss [Specifically the ability to recall that his own father was a refugee himself.]
- Reduced tolerance for stress
Diagnosis:
As Ted Cruz’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Jeb Bush
Symptoms:
- Trouble speaking coherently
- Agitation or combativeness [Towards infants, specifically.]
- Sad or depressed mood
Diagnosis:
As Jeb Bush’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Rand Paul
Symptoms:
- Difficulty in expressing thoughts [Admittedly, we are giving Rand the benefit of the doubt here.]
- Increased aggressiveness
- Impaired decision-making ability
- Spatial disorientation [See below.]
Diagnosis:
As Rand Paul’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
John Kasich
Symptoms:
Diagnosis:
As John Kasich’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Carly Fiorina
Symptoms:
- Irritability and impatience
- Loss of consciousness for a few seconds to a few minutes [The only explanation for what happened during her fever dream of a speech about aborted fetuses dancing on tables at the GOP debate.]
- Profound confusion [Specifically regarding her belief that her time at HP was a resounding success.]
Diagnosis:
Update, 4:53 p.m.: Sources close to Fiorina say she has likely not suffered brain damage, but the campaign has yet to make an official statement.
sources close to Fiorina say she has NOT suffered brain damage, but the campaign has yet to make an official statementMike Huckabee
Symptoms:
- Impaired decision-making ability
- Profound confusion [In a lot areas, really, but specifically in terms of “the law.”]
- Trouble speaking coherently
Diagnosis:
As Mike Huckabee’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Chris Christie
Symptoms:
Diagnosis:
Chris Christie is clean—though he does suffer from a mildly judgemental press hotline.
Hillary Clinton
Symptoms:
- Difficulty in expressing thoughts [See her interpretation of 9/11.]
- Flattened emotions or reactions
- Impaired decision-making ability
Diagnosis: Clean! Although Hillary does suffer from another nasty case of incredibly angry communications director.
[You can see Hillary’s clean bill of health here.]
Bernie Sanders
Symptoms:
Diagnosis:
As Bernie Sanders’ representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Martin O’malley
Symptoms:
Diagnosis:
As Martin O’Malley’s representatives have not yet responded to our request for comment, the diagnosis remains inconclusive.
Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Images via AP and Getty, art by Jim Cooke.
