As Hillary Clinton’s path to the nomination becomes clearer, our favorite right-wingers have doubled down on the conspiracy theory that she has been—secretly—in exceedingly poor health since she suffered a concussion in 2012. What exactly wrong with her? You would not believe how many things.

It’s a widely accepted fact that the current lineup of candidates for president of the United States consists mainly of self-obsessed clowns and/or displaced SNL parodies of historical tyrants. But—what if it wasn’t entirely their fault?

Karl Rove is smart. A cynical master of dark arts, sure, but clever about it in a self-interested way that this current crop of inept kamikaze conservatives isn't. Which is why it's weird to watch him degenerate into another conspiracy whisperer. Has he had a serious health episode?

Extreme endurance artist David Blaine has certainly stunned the world before with his well-publicized stunts—from spending three weeks journeying through an (unfortunately impacted) Blue Whale's digestive system, to the time he was flash-frozen inside a block of carbonite atop the Arc de Triomphe. But it was the seemingly simplest of tasks that eluded him: breaking the world record for breath-holding, previously held by a centenarian fisherman from Tanzania rumored by villagers to have been sired by a frog. All that changed today on The Oprah Winfrey Show of all places, where the low-talking illusionist was deprived of oxygen for an amazing 17 minutes and 4 seconds. We've included video of the final two, during which an increasingly agitated Oprah grips the thigh of the monitoring physician beside her, asking reasonable enough questions along the lines of, "OK, his eyes just crossed, his skin turn blue, and he slowly floated to the surface. Is that considered a bad sign?"