There is nothing more American than pizza, a dish we stole from another culture, claimed as our own, and have argued about ever since. It’s deeply American in other ways, too; fatty, mostly cheap, and occasionally exceptional. So of course, it’s a clear favorite when it comes time for our presidential candidates to feed their hungry, freedom-loving staffers.

But can a candidate’s worth be judged by his or her campaign’s pizza consumption? In a word, no. Still, we went through their campaign finance reports for the last nine months anyway, just to see how aligned they are with America’s pizza values.

Carly Fiorina—$0

April-June: $0

July-Sept: $0

Oct-Dec: $0

Incredibly, Carly Fiorina’s campaign had zero explicit pizza expenditures. And a brief scan of Carly’s restaurant payments over the last three months shows only one venue that even had pizza listed on the menu: Reagan’s County Cafe, which offers diners a choice between a $6.95 three-cheese pizza and a $7.50 pepperoni pizza. This woman will never be president.

John Kasich—$69.18

April-June: $0

July-Oct: $0

Oct-Dec: $69.18

  • Donato’s Pizza $69.18

This guy gets it...

Marco Rubio—$293.21

April-June: $0

July-Oct: $0

Oct-Dec: $293.21

  • Caesario’s Pizza $293.21

Last quarter Marco Rubio’s campaign spent $40,090.57 on food. Less than $300 went towards pizza. A bad ratio, in my opinion.

Donald Trump—$1,233.64

April-June: $0

July-Oct: $0

Oct-Dec: $1,233.64

  • Angelo’s Pizzeria $520.28
  • Famous Original Ray’s Pizza $18.00
  • Original Ray’s Pizza $32.03
  • Vinny’s Italian Grill and Pizzeria $663.33

Observations: Donald Trump looks like a pizza, but his campaign sure isn’t paying for it. And he has no loyalty to Pizza Hut, the company that once paid him to make alimony jokes with Ivana in a commercial.

Chris Christie—$1,527.24

April-June: $0

July-Oct: $32.29

  • Godfather’s Pizza $32.29

Oct-Dec: $1,494.95

  • Giovanni’s Pizza $70.50
  • Godfather’s Pizza $265.36
  • Grand Slam Pizza $725.35
  • Otto Enoteca $94.91
  • Paisano’s Pizza $338.83

It’s nice to be surprised by people.

Rand Paul—$2,185.48

April-June: $203.82

  • We the Pizza $203.82

July-Sept: $747.95

  • Chico’s Pizza $334.40
  • Domino’s $327.52
  • We The Pizza $86.03

Oct-Dec: $1,233.71

  • Domino’s $637.39
  • Papa John’s $308.85
  • We The Pizza $287.47

Once a quarter, Top Chef superfan Rand Paul gets to order whatever he wants off the menu at We The Pizza. It is his favorite day of the year each time it happens.

Ted Cruz—$2,481.45

April-June: $433.59

  • Pizzeria Solario $328.96
  • We The Pizza $104.6

July-Sept: $446.32

  • Domino’s $283.86
  • Fuel Pizza $24.40
  • Pizza Hut $45.00
  • Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza $93.06

Oct-Dec: $1,601.54

  • Armand’s Chicago Pizza $31.88
  • Barry’s Pizza $12.72
  • Domino’s $772.26
  • Island Slice $57.24
  • Old Chicago Pizza $27.06
  • Pagalo’s Pizzeria $39.56
  • Papa John’s $67.87
  • Pizza Hut Houston $316.87
  • Pizza Hut Mount Pleasant $86.53
  • Pizzeria Solario $117.06
  • Rockwall City Pizza Ranch $8.55
  • Villa Pizza Detroit Airport $12.88
  • We the Pizza $51.06

I do not respect Ted Cruz but I do respect his campaign’s pizza consumption.

Bernie Sanders—$3,354.76

April-June: $0

July-Sept: $484.70

  • Leonardo’s Pizza $275.70
  • Panacea Pizza $209.00

Oct-Dec: $2,870.06

  • 900 Degrees $224.00
  • Circus Circus Pizzeria $387.83
  • Leonardo’s Pizza $389.07
  • Olympus Pizza $242.34
  • Panacea Pizza $110.00
  • Portland Pie and Co Manchester $796.54
  • River Bend Pizza & Subs $359.43
  • Sunset Pizzeria $750.68

For a “man of the people” who will “never wear a tux,” Bernie Sanders’ pizza disbursements are, frankly, underwhelming.

Jeb Bush—$3,583.29

April-June: $307.12

  • Domino’s $307.12

July-Sept: $687.39

  • Leo’s Pizza $225.00
  • Papa John’s $462.39

Oct-Dec: $2,588.78

  • Domino’s $109.18
  • Leo’s Pizza $1,102.63
  • Pizza Ranch $1,097.09
  • Super Pizzeria $279.88

Jeb Bush spends a lot of money to have such terrible taste in pizza.

Ben Carson—$3,707.33

April-June: $0

July-Sept: $1,195.02

  • Bertuccis $298.44
  • Crust $165.09
  • Domino’s $15.91
  • Grimaldi’s $33.63
  • Little Ceasars $363.76
  • Pizza My Dear $164.00
  • Taste of New York $89.39

Oct-Dec: $2,512.31

  • Anthony’s Old Style Pizzeria $66.52
  • Caesarios Pizza and Subs $40.39
  • Dimitri’s Pizza $166.23
  • Domino’s $611.93
  • Godfather’s Pizza $50.07
  • Gold House Pizza $495.71
  • Gusto Pizza $38.98
  • Il Porto $495.71
  • Lancaster House of Pizza $11.27
  • Mountain Mike’s Pizza $145.40
  • Papa John’s $1,161.96
  • Pizza Barn $54.97
  • Pizza My Dear $15.81
  • Pizza Rock $58.89
  • Taste of New York $121.05
  • The Pizza Joint $36.45

As Ben Carson’s popularity dropped, his pizza consumption went way up. Causation or correlation, you ask? I pick the judgmental one.

Hillary Clinton—$9,046.38

April-June: $0 (but she did spend $645 on hot dogs.)

July-Oct: $4935.10

  • Alley Cat Pizzeria $471.22
  • Amber Waves Pizza $500
  • Domino’s $235.97
  • Gusto Pizza $1,119.19
  • Need Pizzeria $2,053.76
  • Sal’s Pizza $554.96

Oct-Dec: $4,111.28

  • Alley Cat Pizzeria $403.81
  • Broadway Pizzeria $136.12
  • Chef D’s RockPower Pizza $209.17
  • Domino’s $2,535.21
  • El Fredo Pizza $250.31
  • Little Ceasar’s $304.85
  • Pizza Hut $271.81

Hillary Clinton is the one true Pizza Queen.

Image by Jim Cooke, photos via Getty and AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.