The Philadelphia Pokémon Situation Is Hell

PHILADELPHIA — Thus far, the Democratic National Convention has been many things: scorching, plagued by scandal, a logistical nightmare. But now, after just over 24 hours in Philly, I can add one more thing to this ever-growing list: An willful affront to Pokémon Go players everywhere.

The Republican National Convention was an oasis of diverse, vibrant Pokémon fauna. Thanks to a mere week in Cleveland, my Pokédex runneth over. Just look at the many new friends I was able to enslave during the course of my RNC reporting.

Growlithe! Seel! Medieval exotic dancer! These are just a few of the new additions that never seemed to end.

Even in the RNC arena itself, as Giuliani screamed his way through an aneurysm, Cleveland offered a friendly face amidst the madness:

Surely, I thought, Philly—the city of heart attacks and unchecked rage—will be equally generous. The Democrats are the party of diversity, after all.

Instead, this miserable inferno of a town has taunted me with this:

And this:

And worst of all, this:

Bernie Sanders would have never let this happen.

I’m voting for Trump.