Reader, I went to Philadelphia to find the Bernie Bros. Instead, I found myself.

PHILADELPHIA—On Thursday evening, surrounded by a throng of reporters with cameras and soggy from the light rain, Joey Johnson performed the same trick he’s been performing for three decades. From a few rows back, it was briefly possible to see the flame that was licking the American flag he held in his hand, but the fire went out after just a moment or two.

Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim U.S. Army captain killed fighting in Iraq and unexpected star of the Democratic National Convention, appeared on MSNBC’s The Last Word with a plea for Republican leaders to reject Donald Trump.

During the final few nights of the Democratic National Convention, the politically-minded users of Twitter dot com noticed a phenomenon: Republican commentators openly lamenting that their party’s convention had been surpassed in the category of “patriotic fuckfest” by the Democratic party they had at one point successfully branded as only for anti-war pants-pissers.

The Democratic convention in Philly featured “celebrities” including Eva Longoria, Elizabeth Banks, and Lena Dunham. Why no Beyonce?

PHILADELPHIA — On the third night of the Democratic National Convention, the parties were empty. The ones I was invited to, anyway.

Regardless of whatever political good or harm it did, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg’s appearance at the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday appears to have gotten under Republican nominee Donald Trump’s skin. “Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business,” Bloomberg told the DNC. “God help us.” (Folks!) “I’m a New Yorker,” he continued, “and I know a con when I see one.”

PHILADELPHIA — Making a late-night appearance at a post-DNC party early this morning, a vivacious and enthusiastic Governor Terry McAuliffe asserted to Gawker not only that Hillary Clinton is not at risk of changing her position on TPP, but that she had “never supported it and never would.”

On Thursday, Hillary Clinton formally accepted the Democratic party’s nomination for president, making her the first woman ever to be nominated. Here’s the full text of her historic speech:

On Thursday night, Hillary Clinton took the stage at the Democratic National Convention to become the first woman ever to be nominated for president by a major party. Standing before a crowd of thousands of supporters, Clinton accepted, saying, “When there are no ceilings, the sky’s the limit.”

During her historic acceptance speech Thursday night, Hillary Clinton thanked Bernie Sanders. As the cameras cut to him, Bernie visibly reacted, which is to say I can tell he’s not dead because he’s clearly blinking. Never change Bernie!

Turns out politicians are just like us—they were once young and attractive, with their whole lives ahead of them, and now they’re not. Join us on a truly incredible DNC-themed look back at once was, what could have been, and which former cutie you should call “dad” this week on Twitter (it’s Tim Kaine).

PHILADELPHIA — Tonight in front of thousands of people, Hillary Clinton came out [BEAMING? TK]. And as she made her way to the podium, on what is perhaps the biggest night of her career thus far, Hillary Clinton [TYPE OF FALL TK] right on the DNC stage.

Offering to lend Donald Trump his copy of the Constitution, the father of a Muslim soldier killed fighting in Iraq humiliated Donald Trump on stage at the Democratic National Convention, pointing out, rather accurately, that Trump has never had to make a major sacrifice in his life.

This is an incredible night to be absolutely anyone other than Donald Trump. Let the owns continue.

PHILADELPHIA — Last night, former New York mayor and billionaire executive Michael Bloomberg addressed the Democratic National Convention, in prime time, in a speech designed to present the political independent’s case for supporting Hillary Clinton for president.

PHILADELPHIA — Here at Gawker, a company bankrupt both economically and morally, we have rented no “official” DNC headquarters for the week. Luckily for us, the Washington Post has kindly allowed us into their beautiful set-up at the City Tap House, where we have been dining and imbibing all day, for free, which I presume will continue until the woman guarding the door realizes her mistake.

The concourse at Philadelphia’s Wells Fargo Center is filled with all sorts of chicken sandwiches, some of them vaguely pleasant, others pleasantly vague. But which of these breaded breasts allegedly sickened a New York Times reporter in town for the DNC?

While addressing the LGBTQ Delegates at the 2016 Democratic National Convention on Wednesday, Chelsea Clinton read this year’s Republican Party platform for filth.