Healthy eats! Echo ears! Thunder pictures! Alien sounds! Head-volution! Space geysers! Spider silk! And statistics that some might call stunning! It’s your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with X-Ray Vision!

A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.

When you think of liquids that you'd like to guzzle, does milk make it into your top ten? How about top fifty? Would you like to strike gallons of milk from grocery store shelves and watch as they bleed out into oblivion? Sure you would. Skrrtt—but wait a sec. What if I told you milk could taste like marshmallow Peeps?

For the first time in 21 years, the FDA-mandated nutritional information labels on consumer foods may soon get a major updating, because you're all fatty-fat fats, and you really need to pay attention to these goddamn things, people.

The fast food industry cares about the health of your kids. That's why the fast food industry is self-regulating when it comes to marketing their meat-poison to children. And self-regulation always works. That's why kids are still eating tons of fast food.

There are some things that make you reminisce wistfully on your own childhood and realize, "yeah, things were better back then." Like today's so-called "music." Or today's so-called "fashion." Or when Taco Bell announces they're ending their kids meals.

Hello, it is time for "Hey, Science," our nauseatingly scientific weekly feature in which we have your most provocative scientific questions answered by real live scientists (or related experts). No question is too smart for us to tackle, which will be our downfall. This week, medical experts answer the question: Can you eat your own poop?

Fast food restaurants: do you think they're "all the same?" Sure, and I guess human beings are "all the same" too, right? That's what Hitler thought, as well. For the rest of you, who know better, America's fast food establishments beseech you to take into considerations all the important factors relevant to your choice of a casual dining establishment. Once you purchase that McGriddle, there's no going back for a Croissanwich. This choice is forever.

The First Lady is not making many friends in the cranberry industry.

Are school vending machines causing obesity amongst America's youth? Haha, haha, yeah right. Eating one dozen Cadbury "Creme" eggs in the closet at midnight while typing furiously on Twitter is causing obesity amongst America's youth. Still, every little calorie saved helps, when it comes to our corn-syrup-addicted children. The government is setting new guidelines for what can be in school vending machines. What (vending machine) food should be put on (the kids in) our families (in school)?

The US Army has launched an investigation into workout supplements after two soldiers fell down and died from heart attacks after taking pre-workout boosters like Jack3d and OxyElite Pro, which contain DMAA, a no good very bad/ perfectly safe amphetamine that either gives you heart attacks or is totally innocuous, depending on who you ask.

For years, nay, decades, public health scolds have tried and tried to politely inform the American people that drinking gallon upon gallon of Fanta cola in lieu of water could have negative health effects, including but not limited to the fact that we as a nation are now enormous. But! Now, public health advocates have learned to tap into that most primal fear of Americans: fear of exercise.

Sausage-addicted personal injury attorney Richard Katz is suing the Setai Club & Spa Wall Street over a complimentary breakfast that, in his estimation, has been in steady decline.

Romance-defiling reality hag Patti Stanger has been shilling hard for Sensa — "the weight-loss system" you "sprinkle on your food" (active ingredient: 100% horseshit) — on commercials that run during her Bravo reality show, Millionaire Matchmaker. Well, a reader who gave Sensa a shot wrote in to share her experiences with the miracle product, and we thought we would in turn share them with you.

As of Saturday, the Danish government is charging a surtax of 16 kroners per kilogram ($6.27 per pound) of saturated fat in high-cholesterol grocery items. That's almost a whole kroner per danish! The goal's to curb heart disease, not obesity.

Organizers of the State Fair of Texas have just announced the winners of the Big Tex Choice Awards—the annual cooking deep-frying contest for fair concessionaires—and for the "most creative" dish they chose Fried Bubblegum. Which doesn't have any gum in it. Creative! Also: what?

Two guys and a redhead girl have a bright idea for a video. It's a porn with carrots. Making cole slaw has never been this fun. Come on, guys, Grow up!

A nutritionist stuck to a diet of Twinkies, donuts, Doritos, and other types of "junk food" for two months. He lost 27 pounds proving that it's the number—not quality—of calories one consumes that matters. Take that Jenny Craig.

You may be too old for trick-or-treating, but there'll still be ample treats around the office and at the parties you attend this Halloween. Here's the candy to avoid if you want to fit into your costume again next year.

For anyone who wants to have a few drinks without getting too messed up, beer is always a good choice. But the calories! And the beer belly! Fret no more. Here are the healthiest brews. The winner will surprise you.