Remember that episode of Sex and the City when two women tip Samantha off to a great new male masseuse, who does special things not typically included in your standard massage? (When she finally goes to him, he refuses to "perform" and she gets him in trouble, which enrages the other women—"Who's going to fuck me now?!") Well! Turns out this situation is not an urban myth. Tango, the magazine about relationships, investigates: "'It's such a well-known thing for guys, and women are finally getting more comfortable asking for it,' said Anna, a self-described 'massage healer' who has worked at several upscale spas and performed happy endings on female customers." Huh. After the jump—the spas in question.

"ALF is back! And I don't mean in pog form." There are ALF reruns on WGN now, yall.

If you're new to this website—or even if you're not!—there may be moments when you ask yourself, "WTF is going on?" In order to increase traffic, we feel it's important to make this site's host of internet slang terms more accessible to moms. But seriously—in case n00bs are getting confused by our describing people as webtard/fameball/emosoynistic douchecomplexes, here's a handy guide to the terms and insults of Gawker Media. Inside: the difference between a catbag and a cashfan explained.

Press releases: everybody hates them. Reporters hate them because they are trite, condescending, unreadable, superfluous, or some combination thereof. The flacks who write press releases hate them because they know that their intended recipients have nothing but scorn for their hard work. And the public hates press releases because the lazy media uses them anyways, producing tons of craptastic non-news. Flacks recommend buzzwords to get a press release picked up: "green," "environment," "foreclosure," "toxic," and, in Idaho, "polygamy." Wrong! Buzzwords are why people hate these things in the first place. After the jump, five real live ways to put together a good press release:

Yesterday, a grown man threw a tantrum and stormed off the internet. Because we bullied him. It wasn't pretty. Are we proud? Well, it's a living. We spent today mulling over some wise advice we received. And, of course, it's true. We should be constructive! In the spirit of friendship, we'll explain how to survive the Internet without letting the bastards get you down. Heed our words, and you'll never have to shut down another blog. Or quit a message board, or ban yourself from a comments section. Never again will you hear the sirens of the waaaahmbulance.

A common complaint among the olds—which is absolutely valid—is that companies discriminate against hiring them in favor of the youngs, despite their greater experience. This is certainly true in HIP fields like media, fashion, and marketing, where young people are not only perceived as having skills better suited to our wild modern internet world, but also come cheaper. What are the olds to do? The Wall Street Journal (appropriately) has the answer for them: take rad rock star pics of yourself! That, and other tips for getting hired past your prime, after the jump:

In an attempt to be servicey (and atone for our sins), we posted the awesomest Craiglist apartment-seeking ad ever—it was a riot of nerdy kookiness. Musician Ed Shepp (our erstwhile advice columnist Tionna Smalls' buddy) was absolutely deluged with responses! To refresh your memory, he was looking for something cheap, "like seriously cheap, like under $700." (In case you think that's impossible, come to my place—I have achieved it.) Read on, because Ed has, too—"Thanks in great part to Gawker!" He's also included a computer rendering of what he hopes to turn his backyard into, complete with a menagerie of plastic lawn ornaments.

Yesterday, a reader asked us: just how the hell does one get a media job in this town? Good question! Even the recently-graduated Ivy Leaguers have it bad, notes the Observer today. ("You've got 21-year-old girls being hazed by their 25-year-old bosses, and the assistants have college students that they're totally hazing.") And that if you get a job. We rounded up the best comments into a list of servicey advice that's actually useful!

People ask me this all the time, and I'm perhaps the worst person to consult. After being fired from a doll store and a telemarketing company, I started some internships (at age 26), which eventually turned into the incredibly glamorous job of blogging by the pageview. So what's a young, smart person just arrived in New York to do? A jobless and confused reader needs our help! "I moved to NYC in January. Gawker is about media news and that happens to be the field I am getting myself into. But I have one important question, how in the world does that happen in this city?"

You are pretty much everything that is wrong with everything. Read a goddamn book. You are seriously the worst. [The Tumblr That Represents All That Is Wrong and Evil In This World]

Think of how easy it might have been to understand Arianna Huffington's bloggy animus toward Tim Russert if there were a book out chronicling all the sordid details of their decade-and-a-half-long secret feud. (There is.) Every gossip-mongering gadabout should know the full backstory on every spat, falling out, and long-running mutual antagonism in media. Below are the volumes no shelf should be without.

Every big website in the world suckles at the teat of traffic like so many piglets fighting over a bloated sow. But figuring out the whims of the traffic gods is not as easy as you might think. If the oldest magazine in the world hasn't cracked the code yet (see the pitiful performance of the The Atlantic's Britney Spears cover), it's a lot to expect from the "new" media, even with all our fancy computerized counting machines. Sometimes it's out of your control; CNBC.com's chief just wrote that the business site's traffic took a dive yesterday when all of its golf-loving rich white guy readers turned away from their computers to watch Tiger Woods win the US Open. But there are some fairly reliable ways to build traffic successfully, which we will now reveal to you, after the jump. Is sex involved? Click now to find out!:

Frank Bruni is pissed! The New York Times' omnipotent restaurant critic (pictured) today reviews a new Tribeca restaurant named Ago, which is owned in part by actor Robert De Niro. And Bruni's experience there is proof for the entire restaurant business that no matter how popular, expensive, or exclusive your place is, it is still quite possible to receive a terrible review if you act like an idiot. Please: Learn some lessons from Ago's fiasco. Here is what not to do when your restaurant is being reviewed:

The New York Post is tough on crime. Especially celebrity crime. They take gleeful pleasure (as we all do!) in cataloging the excesses and trashy doings of the drug-addicted and famous. Yesterday's breathless report on the arrest of poor former child star Tatum O'Neal went into embarrassing detail of her arrest for purchasing crack cocaine ("I'm researching a part," a "source" told the Post). But today's front page? And accompanying exclusive report from brittle columnist Andrea Peyser? A sympathetic tale of a troubled woman just doing her best to stay clean. The lead: "TATUM is saved!" Who the hell is O'Neal's publicist, Obi-Wan Kenobi? (Or, uh, Howard Rubenstein?) Drug-addicted celebrities! You may wonder how to garner such friendly treatment in the Post after your next drug deal gone bad! We have some suggestions:

Occasionally we do good here, instead of the usual evil. Case in point: when a young lady met Manhattan Casanova and creepy sexual compulsive Paul Janka at a restaurant recently, she almost fell prey to his inexplicable charms. But she figured out who he was after he had her come to the Upper East Side for drinks, and then refused to come down from his apartment, hoping that she would feel pressured to enter into his lair. (That's his M.O.!) "Your blog basically saved me tonight," she wrote. "Last thursday I was at JG Melons and met this guy who gave me the F*** me eyes..." The story, and text convo, after the jump.

If you're famous, and you want to do cocaine (or smoke crack), our best advice is: don't do it, because you're a role model. Ha ha. But seriously, hopeless crackhead celebrities; if you're going to do it at least don't be an idiot. Coke is hardly even frowned upon in Hollywood, but getting busted while acting like a maniac can seriously impair your image and earning ability in middle America. So learn from your more unfortunate peers' mistakes; after the jump, five cases of cocaine-fuelled idiocy, and how not to reproduce them.

Doesn't anyone just sniff Rush anymore? "Health officials are warning New Yorkers to stay away from an illegal aphrodisiac made from toad venom after the product apparently killed a man. The city's poison control center issued the warning Friday after receiving a hospital report that a 35-year-old man who ingested the hard, brown substance died earlier this month. The product is sold under names including Piedra, Love Stone, Jamaican Stone, Black Stone and Chinese Rock at sex shops and neighborhood stores. It is banned by the Food and Drug Administration."

"Contrary to common belief, urine color is not a great sign of dehydration, says Rachel Vreeman, MD, a fellow in Children's Health Services Research at the Indiana University School of Medicine in Indianapolis." I don't get sick, because I drink plenty of delicious alcohol and germs rightfully fear me. But for humans, here are some handy tips for staying well so you don't end up looking like Moby. Do you really feed a fever and starve a cold? Is coffee bad for you?

Dave Eggers's semi-precious literary magazine, McSweeney's, seek senryu and pantoums submissions for their next issue; "no other forms of poetry will be considered that this time." Now you're all wondering what those are, right?

Can we help this young man? "Dear Gawker, It has come to my attention that hipsterdom has permanently destroyed my gaydar. 'Hipster or homeless' is pretty easy to figure out (most of the time) but figuring out hipster vs. homo-hipster seems to have become impossible..."