Thanks to an article from the Post, we learned that nightlife jackanapes Noel Ashman has a running invite list of some 85k people for his events, and, thanks to our friends in Fannypack (whose new album drops in March, we hear), we now know that being on that list is akin to sawing your ears off with a rusty spoon. Fannypack member Fancy is on Ashman's golden list and, after receiving countless enthusiastic invites, he has kindly compiled an audio medley of the insistent messages left over the years by Ashman's phone slave. It has to be heard to be believed.

· Catch 'em before the backlash starts: the only respectable "journalists" out there, Jon Stewart and his Daily Show cronies, read from their bestselling America (The Book). The price is $36, but all proceeds go to nonprofit youth writing center 826NYC. [flavorpill]
· Indie rock fixtures Razorlight bring their garage sound to the Bowery Ballroom with The Features and local buzz-makers Asobi Seksu. [Oh My Rockness]
· Do you have a real kitchen? Lucky you. Now go be domestic and learn how to organize that space with advice from the National Association of Professional Organizers. Bringing photos of your crappy cupboards is encouraged. [TONY]

We knew tsunami relief would be hot, so Gawker Media planned ahead and sent three cases of Dos Equis and our old Big Mouth Billy Bass to Banda Aceh. We felt that we were doing the best we could to help out, but now we're both shamed and upstaged by the New York's nightlife overlords. They're just so pretty, dammit, and we can't compete:

· The late famed sculptor Isamu Noguchi said, "It is space itself which gives validity to sculpture—beyond objects there is always the situation, the time, the performer and the spectator. All are in re-alignment...in constant flux." Dude must have smoked a lot of weed. In any case, spatical issues such as this are discussed tonight at the "Conversations on Art: Movement in Uncommon Spaces" discussion at the Whitney. [Whitney]
· Kate Walbert's latest book, "Our Kind," was nominated for the 2004 National Book review. Her literati pedigree (her fiction has been published in the Times and the Paris Review) backs that shit up, yo. Well, maybe not the Times part, but still. She appears tonight at Lolita as part of the Cupcake reading series. [Cupcake]
· "So Jealous", from Canadian idential twin duo Tegan and Sara, was named one for Rolling Stones' "Top 50 Albums of 2004." We all know better than to trust Rolling Stone on any matters musical, but these cute lesbians rock. 10:30pm at Bowery Ballroom. [flavorpill]

· It doesn't get more self-referential than this: BB King plays at, um, BB King tonight. [BB King]
· Actress/author Carrie Fisher reads from her new Hollywood satire, The Best Awful, at Coliseum Books, 6:00pm. Princess Leia groupies, stay at home: the event description explicitly states that "no Star Wars memorabilia will be signed." [Coliseum]
· C Rayz Walz, Rob Sonic, Hangar 18, and the rest of the Def Jux backpacker crew take the stage tonight at Mercury Lounge. No dancing—head-nodding only, please. [flavorpill]

· Bass master Charlie Hunter, Soulive guitarist Eric Krasno, and DJ Logic mish-mash it up tonight at Tonic in the first of two back-to-back shows. [Tonic]
· Fat, drunk, and stoopid is no way to go through life, unless you're a frat boy in a Benoit Denizet-Lewis story. So get your lazy ass to the 92nd Street Y today, which is holding an open house at its health and fitness center complete with fitness and flexibility assessments and blood-pressure screenings. [ToNY]
· MoMa screens some lesser-known work of avant-garde filmaker and Dartmouth dropout Stan Brackhage as part of its "Shorts" series. $10 bucks (not quite sure if that's in addition to the entry fee); 6:15pm. [MoMA]

Friday:
· Shake it like you got it, baby: Brooklynites TV on the Radio open up for George Clinton and his merry band of funk crusaders tonight at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. [BAM]
· Underground theater artists enter the wonderful world of the mainstream at this weekend's Under the Radar performance festival in Brooklyn. We'd tell you who exactly was scheduled to perform but we don't quite recognize any of their names. But here's to hoping we will by Monday! [Arts at St. Ann's]
Saturday:
· It's your last chance to see all the pretty little landscapes of Dana Miller—her exhibit at Jen Bekman closes tonight at 6:00pm. [VV]
· The functioning and marginally functioning alcoholics of Sideways—Paul Giamatti, Thomas Hayden Church, Sandra Oh, and Virginia Madsen—all appear tonight at the Directors Guild Theater to discuss their indie hit. Wonder if they'll be serving any merlot. [MI]
Sunday:
· You got your NFL football playoffs for the straights, and the "politically charged rock cabaret" (complete with cheerleading squad) of Bling Kong at Makor for the Gays. Take your pick. [92Y]

· Dirty-talking, innuendo-making Canadian Melissa Burns hosts "Because We Love You" at Orchard Bar tonight. If you attend and do not, in fact, love her back, please don't blame the messenger. [Paper]
· The kimono-clad Yoshida Brothers—Japan's version of Animal Collective—bring their neo-folk sound to the Knitting Factory tonight. That shit is free, too. [KF]
· Already at Knitting Factory? Too lazy to leave? Stick around for Cock Rock Disco, featuring laptop-smasher Jason Forest (aka Donna Summer) and Duran Duran Duran. [flavorpill]

A reader sends us a very special Page Six sighting:

· Amelie director Jean Pierre Jeunet goes all outer-borough at the Museum of Moving Image in Queens tonight, where he hosts a question-and-answer session after screening his new movie, A Very Long Engagement. [MoMI]
· Sufjan Stevens labelmates the Castanets bring their "menacing and heady blend" of blues and antique folk tonight to the Knitting Factory tonight. [flavorpill]
· We swore off all forms of "multidisciplinary art" as part of our New Year's resolution, but it's proving harder to avoid than we anticipated. Case in point: the Culturemart Festival, which kicks off today. [TheatreMania]

Worth mentioning: we were at a severely overcrowded event at LES nightspot Pianos and, thanks to our journalist-dar, we noticed a certain reporter from the Village Voice patiently and unsuccessfully trying to cover the show. On our way in, we casually mentioned to the ticket-girl that she should maybe let the only journalist present document the event, and what did she say?

· Remember that New Year's resolution you had to be more artsy? Realize what a stupid idea that was by indulging in some nonsensical short films at the Museum of Modern Art, 8pm. [MoMA]
· We have no idea what an "illustrated production" of a stage play might involve, but this one has to do with Mae West so it could be interesting. [TONY]
· Watch Jeremy Piven star in Fat Pig, a play about a bachelor who falls for an overweight woman. Or, save a few bucks and rent Shallow Hal. [WUNY]

1. John Mayer + Corey Harris play at Webster Hall tonight if that's your thing. Mayer is returning to his blues roots, the ones he developed in Fairfield, CT strangely enough. [Village Voice]
2. Original punk priestess Patti Smith performs at Bowery Ballroom tonight and tomorrow in a two day warm-up before her big New Year's gig there. [Bowery Ballroom]
3. Shakespeare's The Merchant Of Venice opens tonight at Lincoln Plaza Cinemas and Loews East Village Theatre. Go see Pacino get his Shylock and scream on.
4. DJ McCUTCHEON! Rock and roll, Britpop and more at 12" Bar on Essex below Houston.

1. For a music store as cool as Other Music you have to question why they're holding their 2nd Annual Holiday Party in the Meatpacking District of all places tonight. Then again, that could be a stroke of brilliance if you take into account how dead the city is in the days leading up to New Year's. [FreeNYC]

Did your plans fall through to spend New Year's in St. Bart's with all the other rich New York assholes? Well don't fret, just take that $50,000 you keep for "walking around" money and bid on a party at 49 Grove, "New York's Newest Most Most Exclusive Lounge." They used "most" twice so they must be serious.

Is Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve still rockin' without him? Your preference for Regis Philbin aside, apparently it still is according to Priceline.com. New York City ranks as the #1 destination for New Year's celebrations according to hotel reservations (though Hotwire's bookings tell a much different story) and specifically 4 of the top 5 neighborhoods are New York: midtown west, midtown east, midtown south, and upper midtown/Central Park south. Okay, so does that cover midtown? Of course, go to a source like PubClub.com "the purveyors of partying" and read why New York is the #1 place to avoid on the big night.

1. This comes to us from a MySpace.com message board that requires membership so just trust us on this one. It sounds like something you should check out.

Stuck in town over the holiday weekend (and feeling so much self-pity that we actually had a solo Christmas dinner at the McDonald's on Delancey Street), we thought it would be a good idea to embark on a walking survey of the Lower East Side to see if the old Jewish neighborhood's offerings were plentiful for alcohol-seekers on Christmas night. The map above designates bars that were open and while we didn't drink at each one, we did give them all the door knob test. Textual listing after the jump.

Friday:
· Ah, Christmas Eve: the height of conspicuous consumerism, familial-induced self-loathing, and excessive alcohol consumption. And now, thanks to The Woodsman, pedophilia! Be sure to wear a raincoat to the theater. [Fandango
· The J-Date set gives real human interaction a go tonight at The Ball 2004, billed as the largest Jewish singles event in the nation. Bonus: it s in that trendy Meatpacking District area we ve been hearing so much about! [LMPG]
Saturday:
· Jewish? Have no family? Hate your family? Makor holds its second annual movies and all-you-can-eat Chinese food celebration. Laughs come courtesy of Borscht Belt comedians Ben Stiller (Zoolander, The Royal Tenenbaums) and Mel Brooks (Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein). [92nd Street Y]
· Finally, a Christmas party not centered around your insane family: the kind folks at Anatomy bring you the Blunted Funk San Francisco Xmas party, with west-coast beats and west-coast beer for all to enjoy. [Rhythmism]
Sunday:
· Oh, who are we kidding? You're either sleeping off your hangover or spending the day waiting in line to return those god-awful holiday Uggs bestowed upon you by some misinformed cousin.

· Evidently feeling that the names of his mates in Wu-Tang weren t bizarre enough, the always-lovable Raekwon the Chef takes the stage tonight at Lion s Den with Poison Pen, Manhood Ent Cashmere, and Silverback Guerillaz Domination, among others. [CEG]
· Well-respected Jazz legends with over 40 records are kinda hard to make fun of, so we ll just give it to your straight: vibraphone superstar Roy Ayers grooves out at Joe s Pub tonight. [flavorpill]
· Judging by the number of ostensibly Jewish events this December, it appears as if the tribe is poised for an all-out takeover of Christmas. Tonight, the Knitting Factory plays host to Rob Tannenbaum and Sean Altman s What I Like About Jew. Guests during the two-night stint range from Screw Magazine founder Al Goldstein to Jackie Hoffman. [KF]