Nicole Kidman and Woody Allen join forces, cable ratings are up, the Kennedys get a conservative treatment, Ian Somerhalder is back, and, just maybe, so is Jesus.

Casting even more doubt on whether Nicole Kidman actually incubated her baby for nine months, doctors in Australia are warning that Botox can cause birth defects after it emerged that the mother of a child born deaf and blind had used Dysport, a Botox competitor also made of botulinum toxin, in her first month of pregnancy. Okay, so choosing between a smooth forehead and the joy of bringing new life into the world is a tough decision, but no one ever said being a woman was easy. Now, who's going to break the news to Mary Rambin? [SMH]

The War of the Roses continues, with pop sanger Britney Spears asking her two sons, Harmony Korine and Palookaville, to file weekly spy reports about her ex, Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline.

You don't kick a dingo when he's down (or maybe you do, to dislodge the baby from its jaws? We always forget), but Nicole Kidman has done just that by piling on the beleaguered Australia.

Australia: the movie too bad to pirate online. [IMDB]

It wouldn't be Christmas Eve without fighting: Alec Baldwin supposedly slammed Tina Fey's body; Paris Hilton's uncle got attacked and robbed in his home and Nicole Kidman was haunted by Katie Holmes.

• Was the "exhaustion" that sent Samantha Ronson to the hospital the result of a marathon screaming match with Lindsay? [TMZ]
• Walter Noel's five daughters are a bunch of maneaters who used to steal other girls' boyfriends, at least according to one of their former Georgetown classmates. [P6]
• Now that he's dated half the blondes in New York, Lance Armstrong says he's having a baby with his girlfriend, Anna Hansen. [NYDN, PM]
• Star Jones has supposedly gained 30 lbs. recently and is now worried her boyfriend, chef Herb Wilson, is going to dump her because of it. [NE]

The aftermath of any disaster requires a period of quiet reflection followed by intense investigation. Or, if you're as ambitious as Baz Luhrmann, you combine the two in one expanded whining binge to THR.

Everyone is speculating wildly: The Post asks if Tom Cruise gave his wives cold sores; Hollywood reporters accuse their boss of naughty flights and Madonna thinks a new baby can maybe fix everything.

• Both Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman have active cases of herpes, reports Page Six, something you should probably keep in mind in the event either woman tries to plant a kiss on you. [P6]
• William H. Macy will take over for Jeremy Piven in Speed-the-Plow now that the Pivster has overdosed on sushi and will need to take time off to cleanse his sacred temple from mercury. [NYP]
• Marci Klein, SNL producer and daughter of Calvin, is calling it quits with her husband of eight years, Scott Murphy. [P6]

Damn, Australians are not playing around! Shortly after Nicole Kidman desecrated human life, everywhere, by being forced to barely blow into a didgeridoo on German television, her home country has leveled insane threats against her:

Australia is SO MAD at Nicole Kidman right now. And it isn't because she honored her home continent with an eponymous bomb, or even because of her proximity to Fergie's labia.

What do you do when your big sweeping Oscar-hopeful epic that cost $130 million dollars does a shallow swan dive at the box office? You completely change the party line on the entire movie! Well, that's what Fox is doing about Australia—Baz Luhrmann's continental Nicole Kidman/Hugh Jackman period romance—at least. Though the film initially was being thrust at us as Titanic but with Aborigines and a lot more plastic surgery, it's now been shifted (or downgraded) to an artsy "adult" (not that kind of adult) flick. So its disappointing $20 million Thanksgiving numbers aren't disappointing at all anymore!

Welcome back to a special holiday edition of Defamer Attractions, your weekly guide to everything new, noteworthy and/or stillborn at the movies. And this Thanksgiving, we're grateful for a slate of Wednesday releases granting us a reprieve from another day of Twilight chatter. Not that any of them will surmount last week's blockbuster, but we have a quick and dirty forecast for long weekend's hits, sleepers and subplots, including a glimpse at the biggest disappointment and underdog to come. As always, our opinions are our own, but are easy to bake for that last-minute dessert idea. The full recipe is after the jump.WHAT'S NEW: Speaking of recipes, Four Christmases sure has a fresh one! Mix Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. Add two cups of diced ensemble players including Robrt Duvall, Jon Favreau, Kristin Chenoweth and Sissy Spacek. Flavor with ball-kicking, pratfall and baby-vomit jokes. Bake for two hours. Serve lukewarm. It's good for about $40 million over five days. Transporter 2 is a little simpler hors d'oeurve for the guys out there, with Jason Statham liberally seasoned with bullets, quick cuts and decibels, turning out $18 million before the main course on DVD. But if you're allergic to the multiplex, you may be best best suited to skip ahead to this week's new home video releases; the art-house kitchen appears to be closed to deliveries for the holiday weekend. THE BIG LOSER: Australia is almost three hours' worth of the expansive (and expensive, at $130 million) hisorical epic no one makes anymore. And despite Oprah Winfrey's lavish endorsement, there's a reason for that: It's one in a generation that actually finds any traction in the two female quadrants whose repeat viewings push it toward box-office longevity and, almost necessarily, Oscar luster. Fox needs half a Titanic here (thus its Hugh Jackman heartthrob push at non-starter Nicole Kidman's expense) to make this work, and for the sake of the studio and director Baz Luhrmann and all involved, we hope they get it. But the middling, $26 million reality — especially on Twilight's likely second week at No. 1 — is what it is.

Agyness Deyn hailing a cab in Soho ... Reese Witherspoon walking around the city with a friend before appearing outside the Letterman show yesterday evening ... Nicole Kidman speaking at an event for the United Nations ... Jay-Z and Beyoncé sitting courtside at the Knicks game last night, and then Beyoncé performing on the Today show this morning ... and John Mayer leaving his apartment building last night with a FedEx package in hand.

Nicole Kidman's cringe-inducing appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night is continuing to serve up some aftershocks, and during the star's appearance on Regis and Kelly today, Regis treated Kidman as though she were promoting her late-night trainwreck, not Australia.To be fair, Kidman (made up to look like an insane cross between a pilgrim and the Baroness from The Sound of Music) attempted to be diplomatic about the appearance, but Regis refused to have it, placing the blame for the encounter squarely on Letterman. Careful, Regis — a war with Dave is one that few walk away from as the victor. Just look what happened to John McCain! [Live with Regis and Kelly]

Amy Poehler pushing her new baby boy, Archie, in a stroller ... John Leguizamo riding his bike down the street ... Kirsten Johnston talking on her cell phone ... Nicole Kidman outside the premiere of Australia, just after Hugh Jackman made his arrival ... Kelly Ripa and husband Mark Consuelos unveiling Cartier's holiday windows ... James Taylor arriving at his hotel, followed by Faith Hill and Tim McGraw ... and Katie Holmes walking down the street with Suri.

If Hollywood is soon to lose Nicole Kidman to motherhood, at least she's going out in a blaze of glory! The actress appeared on Letterman last night to promote Australia (we've seen it, and we feel safe in saying that Kidman's nose gives her finest performance ever), and the host/guest interaction was so uncomfortable that even Kristen Stewart sent Kidman flowers afterward (with a note attached that said, "Damn, girl. Loosen up!").Hard to say exactly what went wrong, but things simply seemed off from the start, as Kidman seemed acutely unable of more than two-word responses, and repeatedly failed to pick up on David Letterman's conversational cues. "I'm just smiling!" Kidman insisted. Oh, so that's what that was!

Stateside critics have finally seen Australia, and the reviews are in! Kind of, anyway; we've mostly been sorting through first impressions, rough blog sketches and less-then-soaring anti-summaries ("Some kind of lethargy virus had taken over my system," wrote Jeffrey Wells), but we think we have enough to go on to figure out where Baz Luhrmann's epic may sit among this fall's most anticipated releases. Your one-stop cheat sheet follows the jump.· It's... OK! Todd McCarthy has the most substantial review so far in Variety, starting off:

♦ The Ashley Dupre press bonanza begins: In her first print interview with People, which hits newsstands on Friday (the same day she'll appear on 20/20), Dupre says she's just a "normal girl" who has "a lot of depth," and that she feels sorry for Silda Spitzer, but doesn't blame herself for Eliot's downfall. [People, NYP]
♦ Are Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin splitting up? The two have spent very little time together since this summer, and now she's become "very good friends" with Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer. Gwynnie reportedly spent time with Soffer (and his Bentley and yacht) this past weekend in Miami. [P6]
♦ Britney Spears is supposedly dating a 27-year-old model named Marco D'Angelo who she met through friends in Las Vegas. [Star]
♦ It looks like Anne Hathaway is attracted to lovable losers, since people who know her new boyfriend, actor Adam Shulman, say he's an "opportunist" who "went after all the heiresses" when he was a student at Brown. [P6]