Alright, it was cute when Republican base trolled us with the Trump, Bachmann, Perry, and Cain surges and collapses (surglapses, we'll call them, or perhaps anti-boners), but throwing Newt Gingrich onto the heap of other Potemkin candidates after he was leading by 20 points everywhere like a week ago, this late in the process, is cruel.
On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart used his last show of the year to deliver an impassioned plea to the people who have made Newt Gingrich the latest frontrunner for the Republican nomination; it boiled down to, simply, "don't do this." Stewart trotted out footage of other prominent Conservatives who have major problems with Gingrich but it doesn't seem to matter. After all, nothing can undo Gingrich's greatest quality: not being Mitt Romney.
On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart pitted Mitt Romney against President Obama in the only category that truly matters: ball size. Each man has a legitimate claim to the prize, Romney for suggesting that Newt Gingrich is inconsistently conservative and Obama for asking Iran to return the downed drone that was spying on them. The competition was most certainly stiff and, in the end, President Obama won by a hair.
Let us thank the Obama campaign's senior strategist David Axelrod for this sterling metaphor today, regarding Newt Gingrich's anus — something we'll see more of as the primary season lingers on.
Just as Newt Gingrich was rising to his spot as the nearly prohibitive favorite to win the Republican presidential nomination, he made a pledge not to "go negative" on his political opponents. Or, in cocksure Newt-speak: "They're not going to be the nominee. I don't have to go around and point out the inconsistencies of people who aren't going to be the nominee. They're not going to be the nominee." But guess who's pointing out his opponents' "inconsistencies today, and always, very negatively? This is the worst pledge ever.
It did not seem possible that Newt Gingrich, star of the biggest political flameout of the 1990s, would find himself weeks away from the 2012 Republican presidential nominating contests and leading by double-digits in both national polls and three of the four early primary states. But thank Allah he is! Go Newt! This is the best thing that's ever happened. Now let's watch some elite conservatives pundits squirm.
The Smoking Gun has gotten its paws on Newt Gingrich's Washington Speakers Bureau contract, replete with all of his pampered demands. For each speaking gig, he wants a nice hotel, first class plane ticket, check for $50,750 — the usual. But there's one item that stands out as appropriately idiosyncratic: His demand for two bathrooms, in a one-bedroom suite. This is his most profound idea yet.
It turns out that Newt Gingrich has been annoying the public with his many trillion half-baked ideas — remember that he is, fundamentally, an Ideas Man, in the fundamental sense — since 1954. He was an 11-year-old boy, and he and his "buddies" had a grand vision: to throw some animals in a park and call it a zoo.
On Friday, the conservative website Newsmax announced it would hold a Republican presidential debate on December 27, moderated by none other than Donald Trump. Only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have so far accepted the invitation, with Jon Huntsman and Mitt Romney refusing it—even Karl Rove doesn't like the idea! But you know who is excited about the prospect of a Trump Debate? Jon Stewart, as he explained on tonight's Daily Show.
Being a carefree Republican gasbag isn't always as fun as it seems. All they want to do is call President Obama the worst names and insult his heritage. And yet personally attacking the president, as Republican strategists said in what was supposed to be a private conference call today, would seriously turn off the many swing voters needed to win a general election. Having to build majority coalitions on a national scale just takes the joy out of life, doesn't it?
What flavor of eternal hatred for Mitt Romney are Republican primary voters trying out this week? He's not merely a liar, an opportunist, a socialist, and a member of the Utahan Space Jesus cult anymore. Now he's also the dad who went out for cigarettes and never came back, or did come back, only to ignore you.
We still can't quite wrap our heads around this after a full hour of staring at the wall, and crying, so let's see if the simple act of typing it out helps: Donald Trump, after meeting with child-labor zealot Newt Gingrich this morning, has announced a plan to hire at least 10 poor children as "apprenti." This development is about as surreal as the phrases "2012 Republican presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich" and "2012 Republican debate moderator Donald Trump." Are we completely untethered, now? Have things come undone?
"What's it like to have sex with Herman Cain?" is one of the key unanswered questions of the 2012 presidential race. And now, thanks to former mistress Ginger White, we have an idea: Sex with Herman Cain is boring. And a little bit emotionally weird.
That's it, folks! Roll up the circus tents and pack up the wagons: The nationwide search for a foe worthy enough to do battle with President Obama in the 2012 presidential election is finally over. The nominee is Newt Gingrich. It's done! Over. Kaput. Newt said as much to ABC News's Jake Tapper this afternoon:
Newt Gingrich has attacked Mitt Romney on the issue of the individual health insurance mandate, while chalking up his own past support for the idea as an indiscretion in the 1990's. But as it turns out, those 1990's stretch all the way to 2005 - and beyond, to 2008 - when Gingrich gave as passionate an explanation of the mandate idea as any current supporter could ever muster.
Newt Gingrich is just a factory of rich, intellectual, stimulating ideas that no one has ever considered before, as Newt Gingrich is the only person who meets the intelligence threshold necessary to conceive him. Gingrich himself has been telling us this for 30 years, and finally — finally — we cretins have agreed to coronate him as president. Sorry, to keep you waiting, sir! Now that we've come to our senses, let's look at some of the impeccable policy ideas perfected each day in the Gingrich Idea Cave that will make it to the Gingrich Administration.
