Here is a story on the New York Post's website about a jury ruling that Americo Lopes, a New Jersey man who hit a $77 million lottery jackpot, must share his winnings with his coworkers, who were in a lottery pool with him. The details of this story are unimportant. It is fascinating because, like a petri dish freshly set with agar gel, it has attracted every variety of Awful Internet Commenter. Behold:

Greg Kelly, NYC Fox News anchor and son of police commissioner Ray Kelly, is off the hook on rape charges after police decided that his accuser actually had a consensual encounter with him, then changed her story when her boyfriend found out. Fine. Only Kelly and the woman really know what happened. But why is the New York Post such an extremely gleeful Greg Kelly defender?

What a year it's been for Andrea Peyser, the sourpuss racist lesbian xenophobe sex fiend who serves as the conscience of New York City's most fascist tabloid. Today we are blessed with Andrea's "Year in Review" column, widely considered journalism's most exciting day after the Pulitzer Prizes. Equally looked-forward-to is our condensation of this column into readable form! Without further ado, we present The Shorter Version of Andrea Peyser's Year in Review Column, Which Is, Naturally, on the Topic of SIN:

Earlier this week, Manattan ad executive Suzanne Hart was killed in a freak elevator accident. These things are referred to as "freak accidents" because they are very, very rare. No matter; everyone is taking the stairs now, forever.

Fascist comedy rag the New York Post has consistently produced more Occupy Wall Street-related works of fiction than any other New York-area performance artist. Remember how they essentially tried to pin all of the world's evils on one woman because she had dreadlocks? Really, really advanced stuff, people.

The New York Post, the pandering tabloid of the fascist power structure, has spared no effort chronicling the most important story of the Occupy Wall Street movement: the presence of some hippie lady of which the New York Post does not approve. Today: the hippie lady villain rides again!

Yesterday morning, a tipster pointed us to this Twitter posting about our favorite New York Post sex and hatred columnist: "Just saw Andrea Peyser say "Fuck you!" to a man questioning her attempted ambushing of a man who dared to (gasp!) bring a child to #OWS." Then another tipster sent us this photo of Andrea looking positively despondent down at OWS. Why the sour face, Andrea? Perhaps her column today holds some clues!

Seven full weeks after the Occupy Wall Street began, the New York Post—which has become increasingly crazed in its condemnations of the OWS protesters—finally dispatched a reporter to "Zoo-cotti Park" to observe the "animals" in their native habitat. Somehow she lived to tell about it.

A New York Post exclusive: Occupy Wall Street protesters have sex, and are not immune to STDs. And they actually get tested for them! Ew. Shame! Shaaaaaameeeeee.

The New York Post—the fascist barrel-scraping newspaper with its finger placed closest to the vibrant pulse of young, "hip" Brooklynites—has unearthed a new, hip trend, which is occurring among hipsters—in Brooklyn, of course. The hip, fashionmongering young people are diving into dumpsters to extract food, completely without care for the inherent wackiness of such a stunt, their eyes focused on only on nutrition—and hipness. Who ever heard of such a thing?

The New York Post has identified an insidious new dimension to the Occupy Wall Street menace: There are womenfolk there who are protesting instead of keeping a clean, prosperous home as God intended. This one "ditched her family," the Post says. Stone her!

Diane Passage, the pole-dancing wife of Ponzi schemer to the stars Ken Starr, penned a column for noted employer of prostitutes The New York Post today. The title is "How to Get What You Want From Men," which is ironic, because Diane actually failed to get what she wanted from Ken, since it turned out he was a criminal without a legitimate penny to his name. But let's not quibble.

Of all the arguments Occupy Wall Street critics' deploy, the most entertaining is the issue of public health and sanitation at the protests' headquarters. As they tell it, the protests are a steaming pile of human excrement, used condoms and sinfully bare breasts.

After announcing it to Congress last week, President Obama unveiled the $450 billion American Jobs Act at the White House on Monday. The next morning, Fox & Friends ripped the President for fastening the 200-page bill with a "chintzy clip," a move Stephen Colbert described as "Clip-gate" on tonight's Report.

If you had to think of one thing that stood out on the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, you would probably say there was a lack of television tributes, right? Funny, because that's how the New York Post sees it, too. Fact-based reporting from the paper:

You know it's mid-August when a man walking past Ann Curry's empty Upper West Side townhouse is newsworthy. That, or we're talking about the New York Post. On Saturday, the Post reported that a "hobo" had been squatting in Curry's abandoned $2.9 million townhouse for about a year until police removed him from the building. As the "bum" explained to the paper, "I'm not a drug addict; I just don't have a place to sleep." Police took the man to a homeless shelter without incident.

Wednesday's New York Post covered the turmoil in the stock market this week with an especially silly front page headline and photo, as you may have noticed. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert took some time to analyze the Post's decision to slap a smoking prostitute on the cover alongside the headline "Crazy Stox like a hooker's drawers... UP, DOWN, UP," before unveiling a few hooker-related mock covers for other recent news stories.

Here's a New York Post EXCLUSIVE that will shock you: An Upper East Side mom named Elissa Drassinower was banned from Fairway Market for accidentally walking out of the store without paying for a half-gallon of milk and some beer. It appears that she put the items underneath her baby carriage because the "handbasket was getting so heavy." She forgot to pay for the beverages and walked out of the store, leading a guard to accuse her of shoplifting. Drassinower was then slapped with a lifetime ban from the store. And that's not all! A security guard even took her picture.

Those folks at the New York Post—love em or hate em, they sure know how to write a snappy headline! "Too many damn ho's." Is it a double-entendre on someone's name? Is it a play off of a direct quote in the story? Nope. It's just a straight up headline about how there are "Too many damn ho's" out there. Haha. And how!

The Rupert Murdoch-owned New York Post has instructed its reporters not to destroy any documents "pertaining to unauthorized retrieval of phone or personal data, to payments for information to government officials." Ruh-roh.