For the crime of allegedly snapping a selfie in front of the Brooklyn Bridge around the same time that a suicidal man was threatening to jump off it, one anonymous woman landed both herself and her selfie on the cover — the cover — of today's New York Post.

You might have noticed that Bill de Blasio’s campaign signage features a lot of...red. The muckrackers at the New York Post might have figured out why. Today the tabloid revealed that in 1983—thirty short years ago—the Democratic candidate for New York City mayor visited the Soviet Union with a group of students from NYU, where the candidate was a presidential scholar. Or, as the Post explains:

A district judge has ruled that Sandra Guzman, a former associate editor at the New York Post, can continue her bias lawsuit against the Post and its editor, Col Allan. Guzman was fired in 2009 following what she says was a pattern of severe harassment over her gender, race, and national origin.

Here is a thoughtful article, in the New York Post, about the "complex prestige game" that informs the New York graffiti community's disdain toward Banksy: "'Street art' is associated with whimsy and even gentrification—things the mainstream considers socially good, or at the least, nondestructive."

Last week, the young son of NFL star Adrian Peterson died after being beaten by the boyfriend of the child's mother. Today, a columnist from New York's most pungent gutter tabloid has figured out a way to insult Adrian Peterson.

In a feat of either unbending loyalty or quiet ratfucking, today's New York Post allowed doomed Republican mayoral nominee Joe Lhota to comment on the recent acts of lurid violence on the West Side:

Today the New York Post published A GAME-CHANGING SCOOP concerning New York City’s mayoral race. It turns out the father of Democratic candidate Bill de Blasio, Warren Wilhem, committed suicide in 1979 after divorcing de Blasio’s mother and struggling with late-stage terminal cancer.

Richard Johnson spent a quarter century turning the New York Post's Page Six column into America's premier tabloid gossip column. Three years ago, he left for a big money gig on the West Coast. Now, he is returning home. Welcome back, you sleazeball!

Sad news, chuckleheads: Perma-enraged seething cauldron of bigotry and ill-concealed sexual tension Andrea Peyser, the tabloid columnist who has been a longtime "Gawker favorite" in the same sense that Slobodan Milosevic was a "favorite" of the International Criminal Tribunal, is taking a leave of absence from the New York Post.

Col Allan, editor-in-chief of the New York Post and possible alcoholic pig-fucker, is leaving New York for Australia for at least three months to advise News Corp Australia CEO Kim Williams.

Two Saturdays ago, a LaGuardia Airport worker drove a Southwest Airlines stair car to get pizza for lunch. The New York Post was tipped off to this possible misuse of equipment because that's the tabloid's specialty: cracking down on any sort of proletarian malfeasance that helps make its cranky old readers feel superior about their middling work ethics. Even better, this particular pizza-romping joyride offered the pop-cultural bonus of taking place in a vessel reminiscent of Arrested Development's Bluth Company vehicle.

It's not just one awful cartoonist taking a buyout: the New York Post is laying off 13 employees.

Sean Delonas, the New York Post's Page Six cartoonist, announced yesterday that he is taking a buyout, ending his 23-year run as the newspaper's mean, mediocre, gibbering id. His work was a mix of the conventional (flitting homos lusting for sheep, filthy hairy terrorists rooting for Democrats) and the inexplicable (flyblown angels in heaven)—crude and cruddy, appalling yet predictable. Like the Post as a whole, he specialized in punching down, while pretending to be punching up. Though he spanned eras, his hostility, sadism, and contempt were the essential tone of Giuliani Time. We can offer no better farewell than this cartoon, by Jim Cooke, depicting Delonas enjoying his retirement.

Salaheddin Barhoum and Yassine Zaimi, the Boston-area runners whose faces were slapped on the front page of the New York Post as possible terrorists by possible pig-fucking racist Col Allan, are suing the paper for libel, negligent infliction of emotional distress, and invasion of privacy.

Even for engaged citizens, the long New York City mayoral campaign can sometimes get a bit tedious. Our city's tabloid reporters work tirelessly to find fresh angles to keep readers interested. How about... INCEST? Or even, dare we say... INCEST BUNDLING?

Remember when the New York Post got something wrong about the Boston Marathon bombing? No, not that time. The other time, when they incorrectly called two random young men “persons of interest,” even though both had already been identified by Reddit and other online groups. Now the father of one of the young men is in the process of hiring a lawyer.

New York Post readers received an apology today for the paper's reckless and sloppy coverage of the marathon bombings.

This morning, the New York Post published on its front page a photo of two spectators near the Boston Marathon finish line, one wearing a backpack and one with a duffel bag slung at his side, under the headline "BAG MEN."

"BAG MEN," the New York Post's front cover brays this morning, underneath a photo of two Boston Marathon spectators. "Feds seek these two pictured at Boston Marathon." After its embarrassing performance on Monday in the aftermath of the marathon bombings, has the Post redeemed itself by scooping the first, much-discussed photos of the suspects?