The New York Post reports: 500,000 New Yorkers might have Swine Flu, and not even know it. Is this flavored with any kind of fact whatsoever, or is the Post just really bored with Michael Jackson stories?

Here's the cover of The Post New York Post, a 1984 parody about how the tabloid would cover a nuclear holocaust. It was edited by, I believe, Tony Hendra and Kurt Andersen. I remembered it today for obvious reasons.

Albany is such a joke, the Post photoshopped everyone as scary clowns and the Times handed over its op-ed page to the funniest/scariest clown of all, Rudy Giuliani.

If there are two things that define angry sex fiend Post columnist Andrea Peyser, those things are being angry (at people, and things) and liking sexy people (free or not). Today she gets to do both, in one paragraph!

Today a blogger decided to have jerk chicken and mac-n-cheese for lunch at an East Village restaurant. He went inside, grabbed a seat, and seconds after his food was served, a hawk swooped in and landed on his plate.

In your plastic Wednesday media column: Greta Van Susteren explains why she's a better friend to "poor African Americans" than Barack Obama is, along with newspaper news, TV news, and New York Post blowjob news.

If anyone can get the scoop on a fringe Kennedy family member's creepy porny obsession with JFK Jr., and a very specific description of said guy's child porn collection, it's the New York Post. They've done it! Kennedy creepiness ahead.

Two gay men, one of them dressed as a woman, sort of duped the city into granting a marriage license and performing an official ceremony for them, despite the fact that they both have male first names. [New York Post]

Nikki Finke's got it on good authority that Roger Friedman's gonna sue Fox for his firing over watching a leaked copy of Wolverine. And he's talking about it in the (Fox/NY Post competitor) Daily News tomorrow. [DHD]

To make up for employing Sean Delonas, News Corp. is forming a "diversity community council" to rubber-stamp bland statements affirming the company's commitment to non-white individuals, or whatever. Which frees up Sean Delonas to expose NObama as an Arabian terrorist!

Early this morning, at about 5AM, we were browsing through today's edition of the New York Times when we ran across David Carr's media column. Something about it struck us viscerally, so much so that we were unable to process it at the time and write anything about it.

Dawud Yaduallah says that an anti-psychotic drug administered to him by a nurse at an upstate prison caused a 55-hour erection, leaving his penis "irreparably injured" and in need of a prosthesis. [New York Post]

Million-year-old gossipeuse Cindy Adams got the funniest email from her good friend Edward Elson! So she just reprinted it, in her New York Post "gossip" "column," because we can't all be Andrea Peyser, right? See, a guy goes to his doctor...

It's always funny when the New York Post and the New York Daily News replicate each other in some way because they hate each other with the intensity of a million white-hot suns, so you just know somebody got bitched out at both papers after what happened on Sunday.

Sometimes the New York Post inches over the line from "amusing" into "despicable." Okay, not sometimes—all the time. Today, in particular! Sandra Boss' husband lied to her, conned her for years, and then kidnapped their child. So Sandra should be thrown in jail, according to the Post.

You want a powerful opening statement, bitches? "In the annals of stupid ideas, this has got to be the worst. Ever." Ever! What is sex fiend columnist Andrea Peyser talking about? Something everyone else thought was a good idea:

The New York Post cannot contain its excitement about our new Hispanic Supreme Court nominee! The millions of Hispanic people in NYC are encouraged to pick up a copy right away, and celebrate! The white rednecks of NYC are also encouraged to pick up a copy, for routine conservative sneering.

Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the surviving teenage Somali pirate, was back in court yesterday, making the best of his unplanned NYC visit. So far his main contribution has been to stimulate New York Post headline writers:

Mitchell Wiener, the assistant principal at IS 238 in Jamaica Estates, Queens, has died of complications from the H1N1 virus, popularly known as the dreaded swine flu.

He then "pulled a Fredo", ate some onion rings, and gassed the audience to a Journey song. Is the other Tony listening? Method acting: in. [Page Six]