Hey remember swine flu, that horrible, HORRIBLE scourge on humanity that killed tens worldwide a couple of weeks ago. Well, it's back, so says the media anxious to fan the flames of frenzied delirium again.

Who shall stand up in defense of no-offense-but-no-gaymars-please Miss California, Carrie Prejean? Besides certain parts of the straight male anatomy, HAHA? Tabloidian sex fiend Andrea Peyser shall! Hark:

"STAB DAD NABBED IN DRAG." That's like an entire section of the Post's rhyming dictionary.

Rupert Murdoch's last biographer thinks his young wife is turning him soft and liberal. Maybe so: The mogul's pet tabloid went easy on party-switching Sen. Arlen Specter today, compared with Jim Jeffords in 2001.

New York's tabloids are in high dudgeon over yesterday's Air Force One flyby. Who got the best headline and front-page out of it?

• More on the decision by Condé Nast to shut down Portfolio. [NYO, Gawker]
• Newspaper circulation figures for the past six months show steep declines at most major papers, including the Times, Post, and Daily News. One bright spot: the Wall Street Journal, which experienced a tiny, 0.6% gain. [E&P]
• Phil Falcone's Harbinger, the hedge fund that battled for a piece of the New York Times Co. last year, may now be looking to unload its stake. [WSJ]
• CNN has fallen behind MSNBC and Fox News, as you may have heard. [NYT]
• PRWeek is going monthly. But it'll still be called PRWeek, so you know. [NYT]
• Obsessed starring Beyonce was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [THR]

You can always tell how kinky a Republican is by how vociferously they condemn whatever they secretly love, which maybe is why Andrea Peyser is writing about violent teen sex now.

Somali teen pirate sensation Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse (today's spelling!) went to court yesterday, and guess what, he cried. Will this give the NY Post the chance to use the term "Priva-Tears?" Let's find out!

If there's one thing that formaldehyde-preserved Post columnist Cindy Adams hates more than things that could not happen "only in New York," it's Poindexter politicos using big words. Like today: "Regulation"?!?! Okay, mumbledy-dumbledy!

• The 2009 Pulitzer Prize winners were announced today. [Pulitzer.org]
• It's been six years since the release of The Da Vinci Code, but Knopf says Dan Brown's latest, The Lost Symbol, will hit stores in September. [AP]
• Hollywood agencies Endeavor and William Morris appear to have cemented a merger, although an official announcement is still forthcoming. [THR]
• With the radio business struggling, some commercial stations are now following the lead of public radio and asking for donations. [WSJ]
• 17 Again was No. 1 at the box office with a gross of $24.1 million. [THR]
• Fran Drescher says she's in talks to host a cable TV talk show. The program would cover politics, culture, and health issues, and she claims she's in discussions with MSNBC, PBS, and Oprah Winfrey's OWN. God help us. [USN]

A newspaper's most basic function, one could argue, is to keep tabs on crime. For decades, New York newspapers have done this out of the "police shack," but the NYPD is now kicking them out.

I wonder if the New York Post's secret sex beast columnist Andrea Peyser has found some sexy pornography to write about today? She has! "I must have your honey milk," it says, in part:

You know, it's been more than a month since hateful NY Post cartoonist Sean Delonas drew an offensive (and uncreative!) cartoon. Maybe he's not so bad...wait, did he just mock a blind man, for blindness?

Page Six boss Richard Johnson went to a party in Palm Beach last week! And the local gossip columnist was there, in an amusing role reversal. Johnson's wife keeps him sober-ish:

All Americans are currently home sharpening their hatchets, consumed by burning class rage, thinking of how they can't wait to gut those AIG bonus bastards like a fish. And now we know some names!

The status of actress Natasha Richardson after her skiing accident remains unclear, as various news agencies are reporting vastly differing items. The New York Post claims she is "brain dead," TMZ claims she is not.

St. Patrick's day is coming up, and you know what that means: time for New York Post media columnist Keith Kelly's annual "Kelly Gang" dinner event! Famous Irish types, attend or else.

Andrea Peyser cannot conceal her throbbing sexuality for even the length of a single column. Nor would we ask her to! Her sourpuss writing fairly drips with (unfulfilled?) kink. Today: rock-hard prison sex!

Good lord. New York Post columnist Braden Keil died Tuesday night. His funeral was held at 11:30 this morning. How long, do you think, before the first PR pitch pegged to his death came in?

Longtime New York Post real estate columnist Braden Keil died last night, after a battle with melanoma. He worked up until the very end, with his wife helping him write his last column.