“Where have all the baby Jesuses gone?” ask New Jersey citizens, befuddled by the sudden disappearance of our lord and savior, the newborn lamb.

In a straight-to-VHS Mary-Kate & Ashley movie come to life, five New Jersey 5th graders were arrested yesterday after teachers discovered their plot to “bomb” another school’s assembly. Police say the 10- and 11-year-old students at Clifton Elementary School 11 made a “device” out of cinnamon and vinegar.

Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani isn’t saying Donald Trump is right about his unambiguous claim that “thousands and thousands of people were cheering” in Jersey on 9/11. But he’s also not saying that Donald Trump isn’t not right. And to back up his timorous show of support, Giuliani trotted out a straight-up hate crime as an example.

Two people were stabbed early Saturday morning at rapper, producer, and Wu-Tang Clan founding member RZA’s Millstone, N.J., home, NJ.com reports. RZA himself apparently wasn’t home, but rather at Fun Fun Fest, in Austin, Texas.

A New Jersey pastor told police on Friday that three people attacked him at the New Covenant Missionary Baptist Church in Somerville, CBS New York reports. But after finding inconsistencies in his story, investigators found that he had faked his own assault.

Three New Jersey teenagers were indicted by an Essex County grand jury Friday on charges that they used Twitter to facilitate a variety of gang and gun-related crimes, NJ Advance Media reports.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is having a bad morning.

Let’s be clear about something, PETA: if you get turned down by that piece of shit elephant up there, you are not going to prom. Not a chance.

In the rich and vibrant folklore of the storied lands of South Jersey, the most fascinating creature of all is the fabled Jersey Devil. Now, thanks to a citizen journalist in correspondence with NJ.com (motto: “True Jersey”), the mystery is solved. At long last, we have proof: The Jersey Devil is real.

Prosecutors have accused a priest in New Jersey of pointing a functioning, Civil War-style musket at an 8-year-old boy because he was a fan of the Dallas Cowboys, NBC New York reports. The priest is a fan of the New York Giants.

“Rosy forecasts for American Dream also fly in the face of predictions that, ultimately, Internet shopping will all but eliminate brick-and-mortar shopping.” Just like The Great Gatsby!

He stared at me like he knew me. Like, if we lived in the same hood, we would kick it. We probably would. Hennessy is my favorite drink, too.

This week, an unlicensed cosmetic surgeon pled guilty to reckless manslaughter for injecting silicone into a New Jersey man’s penis, killing him, the Associated Press reports.

The New Jersey man authorities say housed Rosie O’Donnell’s missing 17-year-old daughter after meeting her on Tinder has been arrested and charged with child endangerment and distribution of obscenity to a minor, the Associated Press reports.

According to police, Rosie O’Donnell’s missing 17-year-old daughter, Chelsea, was finally located on Tuesday at the Barnegat, New Jersey home of 25-year-old Steve Sheerer, a convicted criminal she met on Tinder.

New Jersey governor and snack gourmand Chris Christie hates unions. And he really hates teachers unions. So much so, in fact, that when the bridge bandit himself was asked who he thought deserved a punch in the face, he didn’t even have to blink before confidently announcing: “Oh, the national teachers union.”

Three New Jersey teenagers were detained for several hours this weekend after they mistakenly knocked on the door of a state trooper who then shot at them as they drove away, the NY Daily News reports.

An alleged burglar was arrested as many as five days after sneaking into a New Jersey family’s house this spring when the homeowner heard a noise and found the intruder hiding under his daughter’s bed, WABC reports.

On Sunday, traffic cameras captured the surreal moment when a skydiving plane made an emergency landing on New Jersey’s Route 72 and yesterday authorities uploaded the incredible footage to Facebook.