PETA Coolly Rejected By Just The Ugliest Goddamn Elephant You Will Ever See
Let’s be clear about something, PETA: if you get turned down by that piece of shit elephant up there, you are not going to prom. Not a chance.
I mean look at that ugly thing. Jesus.
That godforsaken abomination of an “elephant” is known as Lucy, and Lucy, in a fun instance of perfect congruity, is a Jersey Shore landmark. Because why the hell not. Christ, the whites of her eyes stick out farther than her pupils.
Quick, somebody euthanize that poor thing before I vomit.
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) recently offered $2,000 towards efforts to restore Lucy, as if that sum of money could even begin to fix what ails her. But, because they’re PETA, and therefore cannot make a move in any direction without an accompanying attention-grab, their money came with strings attached.
PETA requested that Lucy be fitted with a foam shackle, a teardrop tattoo and a banner promoting awareness of circus elephant abuse, according to an announcement by the Lucy Board of Trustees.
Apparently there is such a thing as the Lucy the Elephant Team, and apparently they have a CEO, and his name is Richard Helfant, and when he’s not just hating the shit out of elephants and New Jersey and basic human decency, he’s saying things like the following:
“Lucy is a happy place.”
You son of a bitch.
“We must always insure that children who visit Lucy have a happy experience and leave with smiles on their faces. Anything that could sadden a child is not acceptable here at Lucy.”
So, first things first, get rid of the fucking elephant.
Lucy and her handlers gave the vicious stiff-arm to PETA, on the grounds that a teardrop and shackles would ugly up a giant papier mâché-looking nightmare pachyderm from hell. The Save Lucy Committee is hoping to raise $58,000 to repaint, fix the railings on the riding carriage, and clean up some rust. Why PETA thought offering 1/29th of that sum would entitle them to rebrand the horrible thing into an activist elephant is, frankly, beyond comprehension.
