That's quite an ante, Vice Admiral Giardina.

At least 13 people were killed and as many as 10 others were wounded Monday morning during a shooting at the Navy Yard in Washington DC. One gunman is dead, and Metro police are seeking two other potential shooters.

The off-campus party house where a Naval Academy midshipman has alleged three football players gang raped her in 2012 was apparently called the "Black Pineapple," and was strictly prohibited by Navy rules.

Whoopsies. A Navy exercise went terribly wrong last week when American fighter jets dropped four unarmed bombs onto Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

A female US sailor on the town in Dubai thwarted an attempted rapist "into submission with a leg strangle hold." Hey, maybe we should put women in the infantry or something.

After 9/11, the US Navy launched a massive program to build a "Littoral Combat Ship" that could fight submarines, clear underwater mines, and perform other tasks close to shore, because, um... you never know where the terrorists might be, with snorkels. Astoundingly, it appears more and more like this boondoggle has become—you guessed it—a boondoggle.

The U.S. Navy has had some recent trouble with bath salt usage among its sailors, so they did what any forward thinking branch of the military would do: They released a bizarre PSA about the drug. According to the video, at least one of the following will occur if you ingest bath salts: 1) you'll vomit, 2) you'll punch your girlfriend while bowling, and 3) your friends will transform into demons before your eyes. Also: you'll only be able to hear dubstep.

It's a textbook case of not appreciating what you have until it's gone: the U.S. Navy plans to replace some of its mine-hunting dolphins with unmanned submersibles described as "12-foot torpedo-shaped robot[s]" by 2017. Were you even aware before this announcement that the Navy had a $28 million-dollar marine mammal program based in Southern California? Or that it began in the 1950s and at one point also included "killer whales and sharks"? If not, you must feel this loss all the more keenly.

The Walt Disney Co. has withdrawn its ill-considered bid to trademark "SEAL Team 6," forever robbing us of the family film franchise that could have done for pinniped commandos what G-Force did for guinea pig spies.

No sooner does a team of anonymous American heroes risk their lives in pursuit of a solemn oath of justice than a multinational cartoon corporation seeks to profit from it with shitty tchochkes. Two days after members of the Navy's SEAL Team 6 killed Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name for use in, among other things, "Christmas tree ornaments."

The Navy is getting a special reward for shooting Osama Bin Laden: Gay marriage! Navy chaplains will be, officially, allowed to officiate same-sex marriages after Don't Ask Don't Tell ends this summer. The news came in a memo, which also covered the possibility of using base facilities for the events:

Turns out that Bin Laden's guards didn't put up much of a fight—and that those helmet cams didn't work very well. Obama won't release Bin Laden's death pic, so a disappointed nation drowns their bloodlust in fakes. The SEALS that did the deed remain in hiding, and the crazy Bin Laden hunter wants his reward. It's day three of our post-Osama world, with updates.

Welcome to the future, people. The U.S. Navy has perfected a high-energy laser that can be aimed from a ship and can set another boat's engines on fire. The military thinks it will be perfect to prevent attacks by smaller vessels, so pirates being zapped with lasers won't be something you'll just read about in comic books anymore.

When Capt. Owen Honor became the executive officer of the USS Enterprise, his chief mission was to gain control of the ship's nifty audio-visual materials and produce some hilarious sexist and homophobic videos. The Navy recently released them all.

Collin Campbell, a Machinist's Mate 2nd Class in the Navy, is under house arrest after a fellow Navy guy borrowed his iPhone and discovered a bunch of kiddy porn in a folder labeled (drumroll) "porn."

The USS Enterprise will soon offer video games and karaoke instead of raunchy videos for its crew.

The Navy Times has discovered some more "XO Movie Night" videos from Capt. Owen Honors, the former commander of the USS Enterprise who was suspended for making tasteless and vulgar and unfunny videos. He is totally not gay, guys, OK?

Undersexed Captain Owen Honors will be temporarily removed as commander of the USS Enterprise while the Navy investigates his unsurprising masturbation field guide video that includes anti-gay slurs and odd shower scenes, a Navy source told NBC.

In the 1970s, the U.S. Navy produced this educational video warning against the dangers of syphilis. Rather than make a boring old film strip, they recruited Count Spirochete, the VD vampire, and showed him— literally—crawling into a lady's vagina.

Hey, military people leaking sexy secret documents: Your counterparty could be an undercover federal agent who'll arrest you! So it went with petty officer Bryan Minkyu Martin, who's now in custody at Fort Bragg after a transaction gone awry.