Britney is converting to Judaism, Gwyneth is brainwashing her GOOP death cult into thinking that a cleansed colon is the way to God, Jeremy Piven preaches the horrors of fish and Katy Perry frolics in a bikini in Turkey.

We have news from around the world today, but mostly from Foxborough and Australia. Two places both alike in dignity, but then suffering complete indignities like American Idol and movies about teenagers who save the world.

Natalie Portman turns 28 today. Johnny Depp turns 46. Michael J. Fox is 48. Embattled restaurateur Giuseppe Cipriani is 44. Writer/producer Aaron Sorkin (A Few Good Men, The West Wing) turns 48. Comedian Jackie Mason is 73. Crime writer Patricia Cornwell is turning 53. Former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara turns 93. Screenwriter/director David Koepp (Jurassic Park, Mission Impossible) is turning 46. Guitar legend Les Paul is 94. And longtime basketball broadcaster Dick Vitale is celebrating his 70th today.

• Cynthia Nixon and longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni have gotten engaged. The couple announced the news at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally over the weekend. [OK!, ET]
• Mariah Carey reportedly threw a fit in Cannes on Friday evening when the director of her new movie had the audacity to show up late to the premiere, thus denying her precious time on the red carpet. [NYDN]
• Also in Cannes: Giuseppe Cipriani was seen making out with Tara Reid; and Kirsten Dunst missed the party she was supposed to be hosting because she missed her flight. [NYDN, Mirror]
• Kelly Bensimon is telling friends she regrets joining the Real Housewives cast since appearing on the show has "ruined her socially." [P6]
• Brooke Shields says her mother was checked out of her nursing home last week by a National Enquirer reporter looking for a scoop. [People]

Kelly Bensimon comes to the stark realization that she was on a reality TV show, a Vogue intern gets a stripper's digits, and Brittney's still getting her cashflow juiced by everyone.

[The actress on the set of her new film "Hesher" in Los Angeles; image via INF]

Natalie Portman closed on the sale of her Charles Street condo a few months ago. And if you're prepared to believe what the Star is reporting this week, she's currently getting it on with a newly single Sean Penn. If in fact she is dating Penn, she won't have to travel quite as far to see her new beau: She's agreed to pay $3.25 million for a four-bedroom "mini-mansion" in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles. [Real Estalker]

• Stephanie Seymour and Peter Brant will meet in Greenwich divorce court for the first time today. Expect some fireworks: Brant has already filed a motion demanding Seymour "undergo drug and alcohol testing"; for her part, Seymour is accusing Brant of "hostile, threatening and intimidating behavior." [NYP]
• Now that he's split from his wife, Sean Penn is supposedly dating Natalie Portman (again), since she "stimulates him in ways no other person has." [Star]
• Rumor has it Madonna and Jesus Luz are planning some sort of commitment ceremony at the Kabbalah Center sometime soon. [NYDN]
• Luke Russert was either the "It" boy at the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, or has been a major disappointment for MSNBC, depending on who you talk to. [NYDN, P6]
• Speaking of nepotism, Meghan McCain reportedly "lost it" and acted like an "insolent child" when a guard told her she couldn't bring two friends into the Correspondents dinner on Saturday. [NYDN]

Deal or No Deal makes, um, a new deal. Americans poach from the French who poached from the Americans. Bad news for a Sister, and good news for Bruce Willis.

[Natalie Portman arriving at a Tribeca Film Festival event today; image via Splash]

• It's not just high-end restaurants suffering due to the recession. Take a moment to think a good thought for Applebee's in Times Square. [NYT]
• NYMag's Adam Platt visits La Fonda del Sol, giving it one star for Josh DeChellis's "inherent talent" and another for its tapas. [NYM]
• Graydon Carter's Monkey Bar now has a reservations line. [NYT]
• The secret to Marquee's longevity, at least according to a Harvard Business School case study on the subject. [NYP]
• Jimmy Fallon took to Twitter after getting kicked out of Posto. [Slice via GS]
• Good World has closed its doors. [BoweryBoogie]
• A sushi spot in Midtown has a new roll: the Natalie Portman. [ML]
• Kate Moss may have a cookbook in the works. [Mirror]

• The Jeremy Piven sushi drama just won't quit. Piven's dispute with producers over his decision to leave the cast of Speed-the-Plow will now be heard by an arbitrator in June. But Piven doesn't seem too worried: He says he's "looking forward to testifying," since President Obama recently described mercury poisoning as "the world's gravest chemical problem." [Reuters, Us, TMZ]
• Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were supposedly spotted "making out" at the Sunset Tower Hotel earlier this month. At least that's what the Star says. [Star]
• Are David Duchovny and Tea Leoni getting back together? They were spotted "canoodling" on the beach in Mustique. [NYDN]
• Scarlett Johansson is on a "rigid diet" at the moment. She's also the "new muse" of Moet & Chandon, just so you know. [P6, WWD]

A SAG-sack returns, two beauties team up for impossibly beautiful lovemaking, Up graces Cannes, Kevin Costner is back, and so is Behind the Music.

• Get the welcome wagon ready: Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York soon, both to be closer to John Mayer and because she's filming her next two movies here. [Fox 411]
• A bunch of people who attended Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's Oscars party at Guy Oseary's house ended up leaving early and heading over to the more popular Vanity Fair bash instead. Kate Winslet screamed "Wooo!" at everyone who congratulated her (and later tripped down a small set of steps), a tipsy Natalie Portman flirted with Twilight's Robert Pattinson, and Mick Jagger chatted up every woman that came within two feet of him. [P6, NYDN, E!, Mirror]
• Madonna looked conspicuously wrinkle-free while squiring Jesus Luz around LA last weekend and eventually ran into Sean Penn on Sunday night. After congratulating him on his Oscar win, he pointed in Luz's direction and replied, "Thanks. Another kid already?" [NYDN, DS, Sun]
• Nicky Hilton placed a homeless man under "citizen's arrest" after he pushed her on to the ground outside an IHOP. Seriously. [Us]

• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer made their first awards show appearance together at last night's Oscars, sitting just 12 seats away from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, although they managed to avoid a run-in by skipping the red carpet and showing up at different pre-show parties over the weekend. [People, NYDN]
• Uma Thurman, Darren Aronofsky, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and Daniel Craig all skipped out of the show early to head over to the Vanity Fair bash, where Graydon Carter invited Chesley Sullenberger and his wife Lori as surprise guests. [LAT, P6]
• Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise had an awkward encounter at CAA head Bryan Lourd's house party on Friday night, while Oprah and Gayle King held court at Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg's pre-Oscars bash, and everyone "partied like it was 1999" at Harvey Weinstein's gathering. [P6, P6, Fox 411]
• At the Spirit Awards on Saturday, Mickey Rourke "playfully mauled" Rachel Weisz and "made a grab" at Jessica Alba's chest. [People, NYDN]
• A full list of Oscar winners, in case you missed the action last night. [People]

The trailer above is just a sampling of the vaguely lesbionic tussling that can be found in Polanski's short film Greed, which is exclusively showing over at Dazed Digital. The project is the latest work from artist Francesco Vezzoli, who's known for creating trailers, premieres, and now a perfume ad for products that don't actually exist (you may remember his fake coming attraction for a Caligula remake starring Courtney Love, Benicio del Toro, and Helen Mirren). Finally, we've found a plausible explanation of the trailer for Crank 2: High Voltage!

Julia Stiles walking in the snow ... Cameron Diaz and Paul Sculfor shopping in SoHo ... Naomi Campbell walking to lunch in Midtown ... Natalie Portman filming scenes for her new movie downtown ... Katie Holmes and Suri visiting a pre-school ... Dustin Hoffman crossing the street ... Liam Neeson walking in Central Park ... Jessica Szohr carrying presents in Midtown ... Richard Chamberlain leaving the Trump International hotel ... Renee Zellweger leaving a building with a coffee cup in a hand ... and John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston going to dinner at La Esquina, around the same time Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos turned up, too.

· There are no words. [via BWE.tv]
· The LAT reviews the second phase of L.A. Live: "It actively discourages any of the activities we traditionally associate with the use of collective space in a city: talking, reading, sitting under a tree, even pausing with a friend for a cup of coffee. Anybody who tried to do any of those things in the L.A. Live plaza, which is filled with both yelping video displays and security guards, would look not just out of place but foolish." Quick! Run to the parking structure before we go blind or are forced to interact!
· No one knows the double indemnity facing "macho, non-metro actors" who take on gay roles better than Sean Penn.
· Natalie Portman's vegan shoe empire crumbles.
· Yo—Emily chick, with the bangs and the cats and the little black tunic? You're busted. [via BoingBoing]
· We see ET finally had the decency to drop the "In The Head"-part from their exclusive headline. Stay classy, guys.
· Only three more days to get your sleighpass for LASantacon.
· Which reminds us—it's time to pick up this year's Christmas Tree!

♦ Natalie Portman has closed on the sale of her three-bedroom condo at 165 Charles Street for $6.55 million, two months after it was first reported that the apartment had gone into contract. The buyer is listed in property records at Monkway Properties Inc. [Cityfile]
♦ Alex Rodriguez has lowered the price of his Trump Park Avenue condo for the second time since first listing it for $14 million back in September. The 4,600-square-foot spread can now be yours for the bargain basement price of $10 million. [Page Six, Modlin Group]
♦ Philip Morris vice president Charles Wall paid $4.42 million for a 10th-floor apartment at 170 East End Avenue, the same building where art dealer Dominique Lévy picked up an eighth-floor spread in October. [Cityfile]

What does an Ivy League education get the average young Hollywood star these days? If Variety's recent collection of peer-on-peer salutations — featuring Natalie Portman and James Franco among many others — is any indication, it pretty much depends on the school.