• Tiger Woods released a statement this morning: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. [TMZ]
• One thing that may have pushed Tiger to finally issue the apology: While Rachel Uchitel didn't want to cop to hooking up with Woods, two other women turned up to take her place yesterday. A 24-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs appeared with tawdry text messages from Woods to back up her story. (Sample: "I will wear you out!") And a Vegas club manager came out to say she's been having an affair with him "for some time." [Us, NYP, NYDN]
• Tiger won't face criminal charges for crashing his SUV outside his Florida home. He's getting a traffic ticket and may pay a $164 fine. [Us]
• Bill Clinton is pumped his daughter Chelsea is marrying investment banker Marc Mezvinsky because, Bill says, Marc is a "great human being." Not only that, but when Hillary is traveling, Chelsea and Marc take pity on poor old Bill and take him to dinner and the movies. [People]
• Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich just bought a $90 million estate in St. Barts and now everyone is expecting him to throw the "It" Christmas party of the year. No word on whether the Salahis were invited. Not that the lack of an invite will stop them from attending anyway, of course. [P6]

"I feel bad" for boyfriends whose girlfriends don't send them XXX self-portraits, says Rihanna; Tiger Woods' sexy texts messages are out; LiLo and SamRo make nice. Wednesday's gossip is one nip slip short of a tabloid triathlon.

[Natalie Portman was a typically unamused vegan when Chris Rock called her a salad shooter at the Gotham Independent Film Awards party in New York last night. Image via Getty]

[Natalie Portman cops an inappropriate feel on co-star Tobey Maguire last night at the New York premiere of their new movie Brothers. Image via Getty]

Kind of like a Harry Potter book, right? Michael Lohan's now Jon Gosselin's contracts expert. Nothing but squares at the Daily News. Robert Pattinson hates his life. Carrie Prejean: monumentally stupider than previously imagined. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Happy Veterans Day! Thank a veteran today? No? Do it now! Call any veterans you know and say thank you, OK? There's time before the live blog starts. And, no, veterans of Restaurant Wars do not count.

Dina Lohan recounts corporal punishment at her daughter's hands, Tom Cruise converses with doorknobs, and footage of Joanna Krupa at Snoop Dogg's Girls Gone Wild party surfaces. Come, stroke the supple hide of Friday's gossip.

• Madonna is reportedly "taking a more active role" in promoting boy toy Jesus Luz's career. She turned up to hear him spin at the Valentino party the other night, danced with "some hot fashion guys," mingled for a little, and then they left together. But that doesn't mean she's offered to do a song with him. "There are steps!" he said. "You can't just start out and collaborate with Madonna." He also says that he always plays her stuff because, you know, "It's great." [P6, NYDN]
• After Michael Lohan released a sob-filled phone call from Lindsay yesterday, she Twittered that her dad is "such a loser"; "those recordings are from years ago"; and "he needs the book for dummies on how to be a man." She also indicted she may ask her lawyer to file a restraining order against her dad and/or sue him. So, no hopes for a reconciliation just yet then? [TMZ, NYP, Us]
• Making matters worse, there is now another recording of LiLo chatting with her mother that's been released. [Radar Online]
• Mariah Carey said she'd been a victim of emotional and mental abuse on Larry King Live last night: "To really get out, it was difficult because there was a connection that was not only a marriage but a business thing, where the person was in control of my life." Tommy Mottola, anyone? [CNN, People]

David Bowie walking in SoHo ... Jude Law playing soccer with his kids downtown ... Halle Berry arriving at her hotel in Midtown ... Helena Christensen shopping in the meatpacking district with boyfriend Paul Banks ... Natalie Portman going to lunch with a friend ... Rihanna walking downtown ... Sienna Miller arriving for a matinee performance of After Miss Julie ... Hugh Jackman playing with his kids at the park ... Carlos Leon and daughter Lourdes hanging out in SoHo ... Michelle Williams walking around ... Josh Brolin leaving his hotel ... model Kara Young walking with her son downtown ... Carrie Underwood walking in Midtown ... and Fergie catching a flight at LaGuardia.

My favorite Top Chef moments involve things bursting into flame. Sadly, that hasn't happened in the kitchen this year. Happily, the same isn't true of this live blog — you guys were on fire last week!

• The critics: Sam Sifton of the Times heads to Flushing for Cantonese and bestows a star on Imperial Palace; Jay Cheshes of Time Out gives four stars to A Voce; New York's R&P rave about Steve Hanson's new Bill's Bar & Burger; GQ's Alan Richman very much disagrees; and the Post's cranky Steve Cuozzo finds that Agua Dulce only came through when they knew he was there.
• A look around Anthony and Tom Martignetti's Brinkley's in Nolita. [GS, Eater]
• Publicity hound Nello Balan is being sued for, like, the 78th time. [NYP]
• Meanwhile Table 8's co-owner is facing a messy criminal matter. [Eater, GS]
• Eric Ripert does not think it's okay that Roberto Cavalli has a habit of ordering food from one restaurant (Mañana) while he's sitting in another (Serafina). Not that anyone has ever tried to pull that at Le Bernardin. [GS]
• Jonathan Safran Foer turned poor Natalie Portman into a vegan. [HP]
• Pickles are having their moment in the sun. At last! [Zagat]

Natalie Portman looking for a cab after having lunch at DGBG on Saturday ... Jake Gyllenhaal shopping with his dad in the East Village ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts pushing their kids in a stroller ... Gisele Bundchen walking to lunch in the Village, and later leaving at Whole Foods after doing some grocery shopping ... Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman walking downtown ... Lindsay Lohan shopping ... Emmy Rossum talking on her phone in the meatpacking district ... Mary Louise Parker chatting with a man on East Houston ... Jessica Szohr shopping in SoHo ... and Hugh Jackman walking in the West Village with daughter Ava.

Natalie Portman arriving at the Broadhurst Theatre for opening night of Hamlet ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts riding a scooter downtown ... Blake Lively arriving on the Gossip Girl set in Tribeca ... and Ed Westwick shooting scenes in Central Park ... America's No. 1 dad, Jon Gosselin, shopping on the Upper West Side ... Hugh Jackman carrying his kids' scooters in the West Village ... Pete Wentz standing in front of his hotel in Midtown ... Hilary Duff arriving at Silvercup Studios in Queens ... Khloe Kardashian arriving at JFK to catch a flight back to LA ... Sienna Miller partying at a club and signing autographs ... and Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeouf filming scenes for Wall Street 2 at the Central Park Zoo.

• Mischa Barton didn't get involuntarily committed to the psychiatric wing of Cedars-Sinai last month because she had a meltdown. Or a drug problem. She says it was because she had her wisdom teeth removed. Sounds plausible! [TONY]
• Speaking of lame excuses, remember how Jeremy Piven said he had to drop out of Speed the Plow because he had mercury poisoning? An arbitrator bought the story, apparently, because he ruled in his favor, dismissing charges filed against him by producers of the show. [NYP]
• Minka Kelly's rep is shooting down rumors that she's planning a fall wedding to Derek Jeter. [NYDN]

Lindsay Lohan's house may have been broken into, live! Katie Holmes inspired creepy Scientology fashion lines. Charles Dickens was a ladies' man's momma's boy. Jeremy Piven: alive. Bill Clinton: bedbugged. Anna Paquin: nekkid. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

New York's epic article about Annie Leibovitz in this week's issue is well worth a read, particularly since it sheds a little light on how it is one of the world's highest-paid photographers now finds herself on the brink of financial ruin. (If the only person you'll allow to repair your air-conditioner has to travel to NYC from Vermont to do the work, that's probably not a good sign.) Leibovitz's financial fate will likely be sealed in September when the $24 million loan she secured from Art Capital Group last year is due. Interestingly, though, Leibovitz appears to be hinting that the terms of the loan— which required her to put up the rights to her photos and real estate holdings as collateral—only became apparent to her after the Times reported on Art Capital Group back in February. Friends of the photographer suggest that Leibovitz had no idea she was giving up so much when she took out the loan; they also seem to be shifting some of the blame to Ken Starr, the financial adviser who took the photographer on as a client in 2007 and who was also responsible for introducing Leibovitz to Art Capital Group. Pinning the blame on Starr, who boasts an insanely long list of celebrity clients, may be a hard argument to make.

Someone needs to tell AMC that vampires are the host monster now, as they shell out big bucks for a zombie show. Natalie Portman also gets a TV deal. And Legos (yes, the toy) are coming to the big screen.

So now that the Potter kids are on top, it's likely that news about our favorite over-boiled sex pot Megan Fox will take a backseat to the prim Emma Watson. And that's sad.

We know you've been wondering, "Why aren't there more romantic comedies inspired by Norse mythology?" Well, we have good news! There's also some news about the reclusive Jackson Family and Mel Gibson in a Beaver suit. To The Jump!

• Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson the night before her 29th birthday. The worst part? She was forced to cancel the "Barbie and Ken-themed birthday party" she'd planned for the next day. [NYDN]
• Ali Wise, the publicist accused of hacking into the voicemail of Nina Freudenberger, has a new accuser: A fashion designer named Briana Rasinski has also filed a harassment complaint with the NYPD. [P6]
• Chace Crawford has moved out of the pad he shared with Ed Westwick. [Us]
• "Real Housewives" Jill Zarin and Danielle Staub got into a little tiff at an event the other night. No one was hurt, you may be disappointed to hear. [NYDN]
• Arrivals: Molly Ringwald gave birth to twins last Friday. And Mira Sorvino gave birth to a son after a "difficult pregnancy." [NYDN, Us]