Paris Hilton gave an interview to British tabloid News Of The World which, for some reason, included a picture of her with the ill-kempt reporter. Apparently that's how things work on Fleet Street. Hilton, in any case, made clear that she's ready to move beyond the grasping, body-flashing, blatant-paparazzi-baiting phase of her career to a place where she can act all dignified and above it all, telling the tabloid that her rich, famous ex-boyfriends were only using her for riches and fame:

It seems like it was only last Halloween when investment banks were considered economic bedrocks, former Fed chief Alan Greenspan's legacy was intact and debt securitization was a good thing. But Americans now blame evil bankers for their economic problems as readily as they once embraced no-doc, no-money-down mortgages. 60 Minutes recently did a hit piece on Credit Default Swaps (the tools never should have agreed to that interview!) and This American Life proudly revived a May segment slamming Collateralized Debt Obligations. And now, just in time for Halloween Friday, an entrepreneur is offering $80 Ben Bernanke and Hank Paulson masks like the one above. The demonization of Wall Street doesn't end there, of course:

Madonna's messy divorce from Guy Ritchie gives the pop star a chance to recast herself for the better, but at the moment her public image is that of a voracious celebrity monster, steamrolling Ritchie and turning Alex Rodriguez into a glaze-eyed cult follower. The Sun is reporting for tomorrow's paper that Madonna is supposedly spying on her ex, "using her huge staff to report his every move," and that director Ritchie is desperately trying to counter gossip spread by the singer's PR machine that he's a bad father. Over at the Daily Mail, the dirt is about how Alex Rodriguez is said to be spending 40 million pounds (which sounds high) to buy an apartment two blocks away from Madonna, after pleasing her with his dedication to Kabbalah:

No, not Putin! Ha ha! In an effort to ramp up competition with the United States, Russia has produced its own version of the feared and revered Montauk Monster. It's the Moscow Monster! Its carcass washed ashore on the Eastern coast of the Motherland, indicating that Sarah Palin likely shot it from hundreds of yards away in Alaska, while nestled in her rooftop hunting blind. Russian scientists have yet to identify the creature. Note that it is a more hideous and distorted version of the kinder, gentler American original (but don't worry, some good Russian things recently washed up on our shores). Click through for larger, horrifying image.

Being a documented cruel animal hoarder, Paris Hilton understandably faces a lot of scrutiny over how she cares for her 17 or so dogs. So when X17 reported the celebrity heiress had left two of her (mostly small and helpless) dogs outside for a night to be devoured as a light snack by local coyotes, the story spread like crazy, including to the Daily News and this morning's Post. Now Hilton's reps are denying that any dogs died at all, saying they're all still enjoying the opulent splendor of their "doggie mansion." The only problem? Hilton is a proven liar, and this story has the ring of truth.

(No, not insurance companies, har har) The summer of monsters is not quite over! There's a new scaly fellow prowling the Northeast. This one was photographed in swimming in a West Hartford reservoir by some kinda-crackpotty lady. It's got spikes and sorta looks like a stegosaurus mixed with an octopus. A stegopus. Don't worry, no one drinks that water, officials say, so there's no threat of contamination. Monster contamination. Now, everyone go to Hartford! —Sincerely, Hartford Tourism Board

Did the secret monster army being bred on Plum Island lose another experimental "marine?" Or did the Montauk Monster simply move from one side of Long Island to the other via an overflowing drainage system? The North Shore Sun received pictures of a dead creature that supposedly looked like Monty and that was seen by at least three Long Islanders before mysteriously disappearing, probably because its body was snatched by a secret Plum Island/Homeland Security commando team. The summer of monsters truly is endless! One witness' report, plus a larger version of the picture at left, after the jump.

Apocalypse Meow! Our endless Summer of Monsters lurches on! The Post reports today about a cat that is 'ear marked' (har... har... wheeze...) because, zomg, it has four ears. A scan of the picture is above. The cat's name is Yoda. It can hear you twice as well. "People do a double take when they see him or his picture," said the cat's owner. "It's great fun showing him off." That's the spirit. "Freak cat! Er'body look! Monster cat!" Oh Yoda. Horrible harbinger of doom you are. Click through for larger image of the demon feline.

I have terrible news. The Broadway-bound revival of swingin' Godsex musical Godspell has been postponed. And you know why? The economy. Yes the bad economy is even stopping Jesus. What terrible, hellacious times are we living in, anyway? You'd half expect to see demons filling our streets... And! Wait, yes! Look, there they are. Hell beasts, and Bigfeet, and all manner of other two-headed ghouls. It's the summer of monsters, lurching into our world from the ruined corners of this modern world. After the jump we'll take a digested look at this season's many abominable creatures.

So remember how Gawker became obsessed with the Montauk Monster, and everyone was like, "Ho ho ho, isn't that funny and delightful, let's laugh at the 'monster' all summer until it kills us all in our sleep, LOL'?" And then CNN did a story but even Wolf Blitzer had trouble maintaing his usual humorless melodrama because he was about to bust out laughing? Well, no one's laughing now because monsters are eating the Main Stream Media alive. The terrified reports keep coming: Newsweek, as we just reported, launched a panicked, desperate effort to claim the Montauk Monster is a Photoshop hoax. CNN aired video of a Chupacabra in Texas. And now multiple cable news networks have picked up on a Bigfoot discovery that even we laughed off initially. BUT NO ONE IS SCOFFING NOW OH NO NOT ANYMORE.

More monster news! The Chupacabra, that elusive bordertown beast, has been videotaped by some police officers in Texas. The cryptozoological narrative rambles on. But we'll always have Montauk.

It's been fun while it's lasted, but the monstrous creature that washed up in Montauk, Long Island may have been nothing more than a prop from an independent movie about carnies, and a viral marketing scheme just as everyone initially suspected. There are enough untied loose ends in the hoax storyline to leave open the possibility that the hoax is itself a hoax, meaning the story has now entered a confusing phase where one must carefully sift the professed deceptions from the real deceptions and hard facts from intentional distortions. But one can try. Here's how a hoax would have gone down, according to a theory propagated on a few websites (linked below) over the past few days:

Ken Layne over at Wonkette has done some heroic digging into Plum Island, the Department of Homeland Security-run animal horror lab suspiciously close not only to Montauk, where our friend Monty washed ashore, but to a long string of terrifying outbreaks and hybrid animal attacks. We knew from the start of the Montauk Monster mystery that Plum Island was at the center of various conspiracy theories, but when one looks at the entire awful history in one blog post, one must inevitably conclude that, despite its shifty and inconsistent denials, the federal government is assembling there a fearsome monster army that, if left unchecked, will someday slaughter us while we sleep.

Remember how John McCain mocked Barack Obama by comparing the Democratic presidential candidate to Paris Hilton, implying both of them were vapid celebrities and royally pissing off Hilton's McCain-bankrolling family? It turns out Paris has a sense of humor about the whole thing, and made an actually-pretty-funny video about it for Will Ferrell's Funny Or Die. It's after the jump. And it's funny because Hilton implies she has a sophisticated knowledge of an important geopolitical issue LOL! Also, protocelebrities take note: This is a example of how you take some mildly negative PR and spin it so masterfully your image ends up better polished than ever.

At the risk of overdoing our coverage of monsters and hellspawn, we present this lovely picture of Anna Wintour and her daughter Bee Shaffer, snapped by a Columbia acquaintance of Shaffer at a recent party. The outdoor dinner featured lamb chops (not overdone!) and seems to have been convened at least partly to fête young Bee, presumably upon her return from a semester in London. Despite the mean things sometimes said about her mother, Shaffer herself retains much of the glow from her regal fashion lineage, thanks to outfits like the one she wore to the Costume Institute Gala this year and generally positive reports in her wake at internships at New York, Teen Vogue and so forth. Since we last checked in with her in 2006, Shaffer seems to have stopped writing her column for the UK's Telegraph and ceased contributing to the Columbia Spectator and its magazine. But she may have picked up a boyfriend! Check out the party picture after the jump.

Our old friend Monty got a shout-out tonight on the Colbert Report. Not only did this illustrate that his story has made that critical third leap — from blog to cable news to cable fake news — the segment also surfaced a highly plausible new theory as to what Earthly form Monty took before he became a demon hellspawn. Kiss the dog, raccoon, pig and vole theories goodbye! Click the video icon to view.

Here's the thing about the beached monster of Montauk: In all the pictures, its big canine teeth are visible on the bottom of its mouth but not on top. Dogs generally have their biggest canines on top plus a couple of smaller ones on the bottom. You know who has big canines on the bottom? Pigs! See the picture, left top, via the wildlife blogger behind Animal Tourism, who first floated the pig theory. Not only are many domesticated pigs slaughtered throughout the country for delicious pork products, but also there has apparently been a huge boom in the U.S. wild pig population. So it's not a stretch to imagine one washing up in Long Island. If this creature is a pig, it would fit with this email tip we got a few days ago:

We've received a lot of different theories about what exactly the Montauk Monster really is (a monster). But one tipster went to so much trouble to assemble a very interesting montage of photos-complete with key encircled highlight areas-that we feel we must bring you their work. "All in all I believe this is no 'monster' or 'Satan' simply a case of mistaken identity," the tipster writes. The monster is not Satan? Ridiculous, we know. But when you get a load of the included X-ray, well, it certainly gives the misguided nonbelievers something to think about. Click through for the full (and colorful!) photo presentation in favor of what we are now calling "The Vole Theory":

Three women who first discovered and photographed the Montauk Monster have issued a desperate plea for scientists to help them identify the devil spawn! Rachel Goldberg, Courtney Fruin and Jenna Hewitt gave their long-awaited interview to PlumTV, following hot on the heals of the CNN appearance by their buddy "Colin," who is keeping the monster's bones safe in his bong or Weber grill or whatever. The ladies revealed they have been in touch with a scientist from Stony Brook University, who supposedly told them it can't be a raccoon (legs/arms not in proportion to body), dog (feet "don't match up" — ??) or turtle (they don't have teeth). So basically we're dealing with a mutant, alien or satanic death hound. "Lock your fucking doors," as one self-described biologist told us yesterday! The women are hoping another scientist will take a look at the remains and give a less terrifying answer. A video except, along with some interesting mail, is after the jump. UPDATE: Plus a new, less decomposed photo via Newsday!

Wolf Blitzer and crew have been swept up into Montauk Monster mania, which began on this humble site when we posted about a nefarious hell demon that washed ashore on Long Island's picturesque tip. A reporter for the cable news net hit the streets, showing passersby a photo of the hideous beast. Most were befuddled, some cracked wise ("My husband?"), and one woman was "squirmish." A New York Times Magazine cover story, featuring a photo of the devil "dog" draped across its flaming, Satanic bed, is surely forthcoming. Clip of the coverage is above. Oh, and nice of CNN to get a Gawker screenshot of us calling their elder statesman Larry King "drunk," bee tee dubs.