A young gentleman on Twitter asks, "I found the new montauk monster. Gawker, where you at???" Well, we're right here, young "hellatightshit." And what is it you have for your friends at Gawker Monster Investigations? UPDATE! He's named!

Pretty quiet summer monster season this year, right? Wrong, mi amigo. A distant cousin of the Montauk Monster emerged from its cave in Panama. Then terrified kids beat it to death.

Rielle Hunter, the former mistress and current baby-mama to moral cripple John Edwards, is ratting him out (we hope) to a federal grand jury investigating whether Edwards violated campaign-finance laws by paying her $114,000 to keep her mouth shut.

This blurry photo was purportedly taken in the dark heart of Wall Street this morning. As you can see, it clearly shows... uh...

The promotional campaign for The September Issue, R.J. Cutler's documentary about Vogue, includes downloadable ringtones of Anna Wintour's terrified assistant answering her boss' phone: "Anna Wintour's office?" Be the first on your block!

No, argues one columnist who's not afraid to tell it like it is:

Summer's here. That means monster season. What creatures do lurk in the darkest sewer pipes of the Tar Heel State? Some disgusting, pulsating, alien blob creatures do.

Last night on Fox News, Geraldo Rivera took a hit out on David Earls, a convicted child-rapist whose atrociously low sentence Bill O'Reilly has been demagoguing.

The Oscar-winning composer of the sickly sweet "You Light Up My Life" is actually, prosecutors say, a dirty old serial rapist monster. We should have known.

If only America had listened to Richard Nixon, the Republican Party wouldn't be in the trouble it's in. Because Barack Obama wouldn't have been born. He would have been aborted, because his mom was white and his dad was black.

If you've ever wondered what kind of mother Kate Gosselin is behind the scenes, wonder no more. Access Hollywood released this clip today of footage caught just prior to an interview with Kate and her kids, and it's kinda troubling.

Somebody forgot to do the exorcism, because the Montauk Monster has been found. Again.

Are you aware that rats "big enough to put saddles on" are currently streaming out of Harvard University's secret underground science experiment cave, in record numbers? We thought you should know.

The perpetually put-upon parents of Park Slope have yet another outrage to face! Already battling listserv fees and fighting sexist hats, the yups must now contend with dogs trying to eat their babies!

Is it sexist to think that an ad with a vampire with tampons for teeth is just nasty? I don't think so, but I'm sexist. Click through to absorb this one, soak it in, etc:

We won't attempt to "explain" this Denny's commercial, except to say: if that spidery one-eyed banana ever gets within 15 feet of our food, the shotgun is coming out. Click to watch this...thing.

Samantha Power better have serious diplomatic skills: She's taking a foreign police job requiring "close contract and potential travel" with the woman she called a "monster," Hillary Clinton.

Anna Wintour said she wishes the new documentary about her had ventured beyond the offices of Vogue. And no wonder, because it is there that the editor made her ruthless reputation.

The residents of North Devon, England don't know what to make of the fanged creature found on a local beach. Seal? Sea lion? BEAST OF EXMOOR, PERHAPS?

In 1980, a vacationing Rod Blagojevich camped in front of Richard Nixon's home, with a friend, until the pariah ex-president emerged and this picture was taken. What the hell is wrong with this guy?