The Way We Live Now: better than ever before. Ever ever ever! Burn your overflowing excess supply of $100 bills to celebrate the fact that we've just had the best quarter of corporate profits ever. Everyone is rich! Except Velma.

The Way We Live Now: in Rapunzel's shadow. The shining locks of our flaxen-haired daughters are our very last lifeline. Can we spin their strawlike strands into gold? Or at least use their bras as a positive economic indicator?

Quadrangle Group, which was not long ago America's most prominent media-focused private equity firm, is folding (in its current form, at least). The reason for its downfall is the same man largely responsible for its success: Steven Rattner.

The Way We Live Now: not studiously. We'll break it down as patriotically as possible: America wasn't built by a bunch of nerd boys in pocket protectors playing calculator games called "math." America was built by men! Poor, math-illiterate men.

Whereas the American mob has steadily lost power for decades as all of its members pursued careers as Hollywood character actors, Japan's Yakuza is still totally involved in shit, hardcore. Will a government crackdown make the Yakuza go wild?

The Way We Live Now: pulling the Irish out of the gutter. Not that we aren't used to it, ho ho ho! Stop mocking the Irish? Next you'll tell us to assist the homeless, or to raise taxes voluntarily. Banana-ness!

The Way We Live Now: with full faith in the greed of the American consumer. It is, indeed, the only thing that will pull us through. Flock to new casinos, despite all sense and reason! Flock to stores! Spend, live!

The Way We Live Now: studiously avoiding a conversation about what's happening to the stock market thanks to unsustainable worldwide debt levels. Hey, Wal-Mart's doing well! And perks are back at some jobs? Well I'll be an unemployed foreclosure victim!

The Way We Live Now: with strength through weakness. Our weak dollar will give us all jobs again. Our failed corporations will lay a foundation for our happy retirements. Our CEOs all deserve raises. That's The Secret. Success through projection!

The Way We Live Now: grossly violating the rights of unaccountable stateless corporations. Things have gotten so bad that even organized labor has found a safe harbor. Fortunately, a sea of bubbles is coming, to sweep us all away.

Wal-Mart—the hellish trinket-stuffed warehouse that is, in a horrifyingly literal sense, America's favorite destination—has instituted totally free online shipping, for the holidays. Try to resist now, hippies. This will change everything, for the worse.

The Way We Live Now: commoditized. Why buy pork bellies? Go straight for rare pink diamonds. They're about the same price. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be over here, outside a tiny store, panhandling Oprah.

It's been months since Hugh Hefner launched a buyout bid for the Playboy empire, only to be outbid by the owners of Penthouse. Hefner's in precarious position: he controls the company. But his bid sucks. And he needs cash, bad.

The Way We Live Now: reclaiming our world. The homeless are reclaiming the houses. The arbs are reclaiming the arbitrage. The consumers are reclaiming the debt. Everyone's "reclaiming" the gold, from greedy Mother Earth. Get yours, or stop whining!

The Way We Live Now: stateless. The concept of a "home state," or even a "home," is far too hamstrung and outdated to survive in our glorious "new normal economy." Try some independence, paupers!

The Way We Live Now: challenged. But overcoming the challenge, yes? No. "Challenged" is, of course, simply a euphemism for something horrible. But let's not talk about that now. Kitties! What about kitties? Recession kitties?

The Way We Live Now: on a Challenger shuttle trip straight to the moon. We surely will not encounter any unexpected tragedies! Stocks are up. The art market's back. We're getting cash for Christmas. Soar, America—hubris be damned!

The Dow closed at 11,437 today, its highest level since the Lehman Bros. bankruptcy. Oh dear.

Has Wall Street not suffered enough? Don't answer that. The point is, more and more studies are coming to the conclusion that Wall Street pay will be up this year. How can we say this, euphemistically?

The Way We Live Now: gridlocked. And loving it! The greatest thing about our nation's constant reversion to the political mean is that it allows our investing class to go about their business unimpeded. And their business is winning things!