Forgive us. We're still a little hazy, having stumbled out in the wee morning hours from a Chateau Marmont bungalow, where the Jonas Brothers were reading bible passages off a stripper's ass at their official post-VMAs party. Good news: our virginity is still intact! Bad news: we wish we could say the same about our septum. More bad news: the box office crapped itself this weekend. Please enjoy this fittingly humdrum installment of Monday Morning Box Office: 1. Bangkok Dangerous - $7.8 million The worst box office in five years is led by this low-budget shoot 'em up starring Nic Cage, a remake of the Pang twins' Thai-language film. The number is in line with Lionsgate's expectations, they say, and should become "nicely profitable" just as soon as its star—who recently admitted to David Letterman that he was sold into Bangkok flesh trade sometime mid-filming—gives American businessmen with a taste for eccentric movie stars with roaming hairlines the sex-tour satisfaction they seek.2. Tropic Thunder - $7.5 million We've done the "full retard" jokes. We've done the "pee-pee maker t-t-tingle" jokes. And, sadly, that's all we got. Clearly, we have Tropic fatigue. 3. The House Bunny - $5.9 million Feel free to arouse yourselves with this photo of Anna Faris in a revealing pink two-piece holding a garden hose. 4. The Dark Knight - $5.715 million We're similarly at a loss as to what to say about The Dark Knight, so we cede the floor to this mashup trailer, which takes the audio from The Dark Knight trailer and grafts it to footage of Casino Royale. Why? We really have no idea. But it's well done. 5. Traitor - $4.66 million OK, clearly we don't want to write this today. So we'll let you write it, with a little round of Logline Mad Libs! "[Man's name] Cheadle and Guy [Verb] star in a [ADJ] international [NOUN] set against a [A CHILDREN'S GAME] of covert [A LINE OF WORK] operations."

Having been nudged awake this morning by a shirtless man in a fedora and pink Chuck Taylors as you snoozed peacefully beneath a table outside Intelligentsia Cafe, another Sunset Junction appears to have come and gone—as has any memory of the last seven hours you spent there. We'll give you a moment to gather your belongings before inundating you with the weekend's box office receipts: 1. Tropic Thunder - $16.1 million In a weekend that saw some colossal summer comedy flops—more on that later—it must have come as happy news to the producers of Tropic Thunder that it retained its top spot at the box office two weeks in a row. That brings this big-budget paean to tropical scenery-chewing and wartime hammery to a not-too-shabby $65.7 million. “We definitely felt internally we were going to be No. 1, but Saturday was a pleasant surprise,” said DreamWorks/Paramount rep Chip Sullivan as he emerged from the executive bathroom with a look of triumphant accomplishment spread across his face.2. The House Bunny - $15.1 million Following not too far behind was The House Bunny, the Anna Faris Pi Bimbo Phi campus comedy that has officially inherited the title of America's #1 Gay Date movie from previous title-holders Sex and the City and Stop-Loss. A perfect brand-integration opportunity was completely squandered, however, as Bunny-approved Tuscan dining chain The Olive Garden was passed over as the location of Faris's post-hazing induction celebration, in favor of the far inferior Applebee's, home of the Riblet™. 3. Death Race - $12.293 million Written and directed by videogame-adaptation shlockmeister Paul W.S. Anderson, the thinking-man's Uwe Boll, Race failed to really find the all-wheel traction at the box office production company Cruise/Wagner had hoped for. It did provide an apt visual metaphor for the disintegration of Tom and Paula's creative partnership, however, with the two until only recently chasing each other around the United Artists offices in suped-up muscle cars with hood-mounted Gatlings. 4. The Dark Knight - $10.305 million We can't be the only ones shocked to learn Barack Obama passed on making The Dark Knight his running mate, in favor of Sen. Joe Biden. Sure, Biden might have the experience, but The Dark Knight looks way better in IMAX, and could have easily carried Ohio. 5. Star Wars: The Clone Wars - $5.66 million We'll admit it: We're completely obsessed with the Abercrombie & Fitch-style (minus crotch-obscuring overpriced board shorts or any pretense that this is about anything besides eroticizing young male flesh) NSFW photography of head Lucasarts licensing exec Howard Roffman. We'll skip this one, but promise to pay full price to check out The Clone Wars 2: Naked Stormtroopers, shot in tasteful black-and-white.

Having paid tribute this weekend to Michael Phelps's historic athletic achievement with a record-shattering of your own in the 200-liter grain-alcohol-medley, your soaring national pride has likely given way to the agony of hangover defeat. Have some box office number; they're full of electrolytes: 1. Tropic Thunder - $26 million Putting controversy aside for a moment, Tropic Thunder—Ben Stiller's $90 million satirical homage to movie star narcissism, context-reliant flatulence, and Down Syndrome humor—finally succeeded in doing what no other movie released in the past month could: It unseated The Dark Knight from its topmost perch. Still, we'd caution the director and star that it might be a little early to throw a pair of shredded stump-hands into the air and claim victory, as that puts Tropic's take somewhere between that of Pineapple Express and Step Brothers— both of which managed to go full retard at a fraction of the budget. What Tropic needs now to inch its way into the black is a strong overseas showing—which is not entirely out of the realm of possibility, considering the French critical elite have already touted movie-within-a-movie Simple Jack (L'imbécile Jacques) as the greatest sad-clown cinematic achievement since Jerry Lewis's The Errand Boy.2. The Dark Knight - $16.79 million It's now official: Another $16.79 million makes The Dark Knight the second-highest-grossing film of all time behind Titanic, and ahead of the first Star Wars. The staggering take—$471.5 million earned domestically—means that every man, woman, and child above the age of 13 has now paid to see this movie an average of 11 times, where they gleefully mouth along to The Joker's numerous soliloquies about the joys of anarchy. 3. Star Wars: The Clone Wars - $15.505 million Registering a paltry 18% Tomatometer score, this subpar animated release from George Lucas—the one the legendary filmmaker warned us "not to get your hopes up about; we just thought it would be fun to make a really shitty-looking CGI movie that would continue to erode the fond memories you have of the last good thing I did about 30 years ago"—fell way short of the $19 million we predicted would be spent by franchise diehards looking for something to fill the long, empty days since ComicCon ended. Most came away deeply disappointed, and at times downright confused—particularly by the extended Black and White Cantina Ball sequence overseen by its effete slug-host, Capote the Hutt. 4. Mirrors - $11.125 million We realize Kiefer Sutherland doesn't make particularly good movies, but we're glad he makes them all the same. Mirrors seems a perfect example of the late '00s Sutherland oeuvre: A movie that takes the scariest single moment from any thriller—closing the bathroom medicine chest to reveal a shadowy figure lurking behind—and stretches it to feature length. Watch out behind you, Kiefer! The ghost has a knife! 5. Pineapple Express - $10 million There's several ways to interpret the surprisingly precipitous 57% drop in Pineapple's weekend receipts, but we're guessing it's because stoner comedies don't do well when it comes to repeat business, due to general demo inertia. If you could spend the weekend curled up with a Graffix bong and the pungent scent of God's vagina, you'd probably skip the multiplex crowds, too.

Does Death's double-dipping have you disturbed? Fret not—we have an easy way to ward of the scythe. Simply slaughter a baby lamb in your office kitchen, collect its blood, then paint that along your cubicle's entrance. The Angel of Death will then skip your workspace to reap the annoyingly high-pitched temp working next door. Enjoy these box office numbers, along with your freshly spared life: 1. The Dark Knight - $26.03 million Tripping up most of the world's most esteemed box office prognosticators—even us, and we're never wrong!—once again was bat-eared juggernaut The Dark Knight. Like a seasoned welterweight pro who knows the fight has 12 rounds, Knight ceded to Pineapple Express until Saturday, when it surged ahead of the stoner crime opera to easily take the weekend. Children, take out your chalk and slates: Plus $26.06 brings us to $441.5 million, making it...? That's right: the third-highest-grossing domestic film of all time, ahead of Shrek 2, poised to creep ahead of Star Wars for the slot behind Titanic by this week's end.2. Pineapple Express - $22.4 million Just as the Pineapple kids were firing up a Friday afternoon fatty and declaring that Batman, in no uncertain Korean terms, should "prepare to suck the cock of karma!" they were served up a lung-singeing cloud of Badpod dust. No matter: $40.4 million in five days is better than any dead-of-summer comedy has any right to do. Judd Apatow can proudly carve another notch in his bedpost, moments before an exhausted Seth Rogen rolls over and keeps his creative life-partner awake all night with deep, satisfied snoring. 3. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - $16.113 million ATTENTION: Hazardous toy recall. If you recently purchased a Rick's Wheelie Motorcycle for your child as part of KFC's The Mummy promotional tie-in, destroy it at once. Your child won't choke on its small parts (the way they do on the accompanying meal's chicken wing bones), but they might start emulating the heroics of Brendan Fraser—potentially forcing you to sit through an entire showing of The Mummy itself. 4. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 - $10.77 million Now showing at West Hollywood's Tomkat theater in conjunction with this sequel's opening is The Brotherhood of the Traveling Chaps 2, an all-male, S&M-themed take on the touching story of a circle of lifelong friends bound by their mutual affection and previously agreed-upon safe words. 5. Step Brothers - $8.9 million We literally have nothing left to say about Step Brothers, so we'll let star Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly do the talking with Step Brothers Duel—an interactive viral marketing effort sure to cheer you up on this death-filled Monday! (We couldn't get the image upload to work. Figures.)

Welcome to August, where besides you and that weird dude in the mailroom who collects signed photos of the Howard Stern Wack Pack, the office is eerily devoid of life. Comfort yourselves with some box office numbers: 1. The Dark Knight - $43.8 million It would seem that nothing—not untimely deaths, not huffy kin brushings, prurient pirating, not even a hero who sounds like an obscene caller with emphysema—seems capable of toppling The Dark Knight from its gargoyle perch. A third-week drop of a modest 42% gave it a close-but-comfortable win over the widely favored The Mummy: General Tso's Revenge. All hail the Knight!2. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - $42.45 million 5. Journey to the Center of the Earth - $6.875 million It may not have beaten The Dark Knight domestically, but Rob Cohen's return to incinerating vast sums of money making popcorn entertainment—his first since 2005's sociopathic-fighter-jet classic Stealth—did manage to accomplish one amazing thing: it gave Brendan Fraser two titles in the top five. That's quite a feat, only previously accomplished by the likes of The Beatles, Mariah Carey, Jenna Jameson, and Jesus, on completely different charts. 3. Step Brothers - $16.3 million We pass things along now to YouTube cultural commentator Devann Sheuerman for her insightful review. We promise she's better than Ben Lyons. 4. Mamma Mia! - $13.121 million Oh, quit resisting it already: You love Mamma Mia!, and you don't care who knows it! C'mon, everyone: Let's have a Mamma Mia! karaoke party! 6. Swing Vote - $6.3 million Kevin Costner's self-produced comeback bid, a political comedy in which One Man Really Can Make a Difference™, failed to connect with audiences, who couldn't help but notice from its marketing campaign that it appeared to be a political comedy starring Kevin Costner in which One Man Really Can Make a Difference™. Honorable Mention: Midnight Meat Train - $32,000 Lionsgate dumped this oozing-bag-of-movie-parts on 102 screens accessible only by unicorn cavalry, resulting in an unmeaty $313-per-screen average.

How To Tell If You've Been Partying Too Hard: A Defamer Quiz 1. How many alcoholic drinks did you consume this weekend? Less Than 3 ( ) Between 3-7 ( ) More than 7 ( ) More than 150 ( ) 2. Did you operate a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol? Yes ( ) No ( ) I can't remember ( ) 3. Were you arrested? Yes ( ) No ( ) I have no comment at this time ( ) 3B. If yes, what was the charge? Felony DUI ( ) Misdemeanor DUI ( ) Drugstore loitering ( ) Other ( ) 4. Did you require surgery as a direct result of your drinking? Yes ( ) No ( ) Ow My Balls ( ) 5. Did your partying directly or indirectly lead to the shutting down of production on a major studio tentpole? Yes ( ) No ( ) Back off. Gianter Fucking Robots Are Coming, OK? ( ) Scoring: There's no such thing as partying too hard; therefore, you haven't been. High five! Here's your box office numbers, brah:1. The Dark Knight - $75.63 million Have we grown tired of The Dark Knight yet? While MomzoGate gave off the faint whiff of shark-jumping, audience interest in Christopher Nolan's epochal tale of good vs. unwashed hair showed no signs of waning. Its total grosses for Warner Bros. now hover somewhere around an astounding $312 million—and that doesn't even include additional revenues derived from cross-promotions like The Dark Whopper, Australian Burger King's broodiest batburger yet! (Apparently they also flip a coin to see if you'll either get a free order of onion rings, or watch your first born son get his head shot off. Those Aussies aren't fucking around with their Dark Knight tie-ins.) 2. Step Brothers - $30 million The simple comedy arithmetic of double the imbecilic man-children = double the fun seems to have played itself out nicely for Sony's Step Brothers, as this heartwarming A Very Special Brady story took in a robust 30 mil, with four-out-of-five moviegoers rating it as "funnier the first time, when it was called Dumb and Dumber." 3. Mamma Mia! - $17.865 million In a strange and beautiful accident of nature, a variety of aquatic mammals—small whales, manatees, and the like—have beached themselves outside the doors of theaters screening this ebullient ABBA-musical, drawn to the siren song of Pierce Brosnan's otherworldly vocal stylings. Fear not: They've been relocated to The Grove's dancing waters, where they seem to be perfectly happy surviving off any Cheesecake Factory leftovers tossed to them by visitors. 4. The X-Files: I Want to Believe - $10.2 million Sadly, not every beloved franchise to return to the big screen after an extended absence was greeted with the enthusiasm of a Sex and the City, as the tepidly reviewed The X-Files: You Had Me Until The Anal-Probe Business failed to attract much more than the most ardent Scullyite fundamentalists. 5. Journey to the Center of the Earth - $9.415 million At virtually any screening of this 3-D sci-fi spectacular, you'll see a crowd of delighted children in plastic glasses waving their hands out in front of their faces, attempting unsuccessfully to get a feel of Brendan Fraser's amazingly lifelike self-respect. It's like it's actually there!

You look nervous. Is it the scars? You wanna know how we got 'em? Come here. Look at us. One night, we couldn't sleep, so we turn on QVC. They're pushing something called the Facial Flex Facial Exercise and Toning Kit. We figure, "Why not? Our jowls could use some tautening." So it comes in the mail, see—but the first time we use it, something goes wrong. Very, Very wrong. Now we always see the funny side! We're always smiling! Hey—who's up for box office numbers! HAHAHAHAHA!

Four ways to jump start your Monday morning: 1. Moisten fork prongs with mouth. Place end of fork between teeth, press prongs into nearest wall socket. 2. Fill microwave-safe cup with water. Microwave for 2-3 minutes (times vary). Remove cup, pour contents directly onto eyeballs. 3. Have a co-worker hold a duct tape gun to your left ear. Spin in counter-clockwise circles until your entire head is mummified inside a sticky cellophane prison. See how long you can last without breathing before slicing open at mouth. 4. Read the box office numbers!

Has clicking your mouse become something of a chore ever since you lost your thumb and forefinger in a spectacular illegal-fireworks demonstration on your front lawn? Fret not: Thanks to TetraMouse—the "lowest priced mouth-operated mouse on the market," access to your weekend box office numbers is just a glottal stop away:

If you emerged from Saturday's city-wide, Paps vs. Surfs caste riots with two or more limbs (and both flip-flops) intact, consider yourselves one of the lucky ones: It was a massacre out there, folks. Slow the bleeding with the box office numbers from this robust, bullet-bending moviegoing weekend:

With the summer solstice finally arriving in our rear-view mirrors over the weekend, join us in recognizing the first real box-office hits and misses of the season:

A just-about-perfect L.A. weekend is now over. Stir a little extra Hazelnut Coffee Mate into your World's Sexiest Assistant mug, and bite absentmindedly into some raspberry-jelly-filled box office numbers. We'll get through this:

Whether you spent your Sunday pridefully snorkeling Jäger bombs in WeHo or simply watching the Lakers' Championship hopes slip away, chances are, you're feeling pretty gnarly this morning. Here's some box-office-numbers hair of the dog to ease your crushing hangover:

The Brazilian wax you scheduled to coincide with your Sex and the City opening night party may have now given way to the discomforting condition known as a Bolivian rash—but luckily for you there exists no better topical salve than the weekend's boffo numbers:

The long Memorial Day weekend may be gone, but we'll always have fond memories of the holiday box office to warm our hearts:

Recover from a weekend so sweltering, you briefly entertained the idea of seeing Speed Racer just to take advantage of two hours' worth of Americana AC, with a glance at some refreshingly chilled box office numbers:
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $56.573 million
It was an easy win for the second chapter of the only major Hollywood franchise that, to our knowledge, is also a lightly encoded Christ-allegory prominently featuring a ferocious talking beaver. (We suppose a reasonable case could be made for the Basic Instinct series, but that debate is for another time. And yes, we just made a beaver joke. It's going to be that kind of Monday.) In next installment The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the heroic young protagonists will be firmly entrenched in their gawky pubescent phase, leading to an awkward facts-of-life talk delivered by a visibly uncomfortable Aslan regarding the pile of crusty underarmor garments he found stashed in their wardrobe. Narnia forever!

Chase away the Monday morning May-gloom blues with a glimpse at the box office numbers:

1. Iron Man - $100.75 million
Just when a lackluster spring box office had Hollywood worried, Iron Man jets into town, slapping his Stark™ brass-rocket-parts on the table and daring all challengers to do the same. (Batman was game, though gave up ten minutes into an unsuccessful attempt at unbuckling his utility belt. The Hulk, meanwhile, turned a shade of greenish-red and slinked out of the room, years of performance-enhancing gamma ray abuse having taken an irreversible toll on the contents of those stretchy purple pants.) No question about it, Iron Man enters the Great Movie Summer of 2008 a fearsome, armor-clad conquistador. Among its record-breaking achievements:
· The second-highest grossing opening weekend ever for a non-sequel.
· The tenth-highest grossing opening weekend overall.
· The best opening ever for a Paramount live-action release (though the studio is only distributing and marketing it for Marvel Studios).
The high-sheen, flame-resistant finish on the titanium-alloy cake? Iron Man's wadded-up-script-missile-launching capabilities paid off with a movie worth watching.

Sadly, it's time to resign yourself to the fact that you are no longer in the "coolest place on Earth" (i.e. the desert, watching Prince cover Radiohead), and have returned to one of the lesser-cool places on Earth: your office cubicle. We won't even sugarcoat this: Here's the weekend grosses, straight up.

Keep the Monday morning blues at bay via the savory comforts of a matzoh, egg, and bacon breakfast sandwich, plus a generous helping of home-fried box office numbers: