Hey, it's Molls. Grambone is letting me write my own post today, which is probably a huge mistake. That's fine! We all make mistakes! Like in this video I burnt my friend Alexis on her elbow with my Marlboro Light. Or like two years ago when I forgot my mother's birthday, which coincidentally is today. Happy Birthday, Mom. Thanks for letting me feed off of your body for nine months. Honestly, your body was the best I've ever lived inside. Anyway, Taco-flavored kisses, a background shot of a creepy dude in a two tone hat who hit on us and your Wednesday To-Dos after the jumpskis...

While some of you probably believe that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer's life consists solely of mornings filled with mimosas and evening's spent behind the velvetiest of velvet ropes, the fact of the matter is that she puts her pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of you (that is, when she's actually wearing pants). Although it may seem glamorous bringing you each night's To Do's, at the end of each and every month, she has to pay her bills, too. Unfortch for Molls, she isn't so good with balancing her checkbook. Which is exactly why she invited her friend Mel Cowan, comedian and financial whiz, over last night. The results are predictably hilare. Enjoy!

Molls was alone, sitting with her empty glass. Her four walls, follow her through her past. She was on a Los Angeles train, she emerged in heavy rain. And you, the loyal Defamer audience, were waiting there, swimming through apologies. She remembers searching for the perfect words, she was hoping you might change your mind. She remembers hipsters sleeping next to her, riding on the Metro.

Martin and Lewis. Batman and Robin. The Captain and Tenille. When it comes to getting the most bang for your entertainment buck, duos always do it better. The same can be said for Defamer To Do's. As much as we adore Molls, I think we'd all concur that something transcendent happens when her friend Kendall joins in on the fun. That is, until now. We are sad to report that the two former besties are now warring. Find out what's causing the tension between these two, as well as what to do in Los Angeles this weekend, after the jump.

With Lindsay Lohan hard at work on the set of her new film Labor Pains, we thought it was high time to reach out to her in an attempt to find out how life's treating her these days. We came to find out that, in a twist that echoes the `80s classic Sleepaway Camp, living Lohan hasn't always been a walk in the park for everyone's favorite firecrotch. And we also find out that there may have been more in those cokepants than just, well, coke. Your evening To Do's follow after le jump.

For those of you who have been closely watching Molly McAleer's "reimagining" of the Defamer To Do's, you will note that there are a few common themes that populate a number of the videos. While we won't get too geeky and break them all down for you (after all, that's what the comments are for), savvy observers will note that a fair number of these videos involve the ritual consumption of food and/or beverages. Tonight's video is no exception, as Molls attempts to explain what's happening in Los Angeles tonight over a hearty serving of soup and salad at the Soup Plantation. Enjoy!

While we normally don't like to dredge up memories of the dark, dreary Writers Strike days, Molly McAleer has a score she'd like to settle. You see, Molls went out and bought a prom dress in hopes of attending the Ben Silverman High Winter Prom. Alas, the prom never came to fruition and now, a good five months later, Molls is still feeling very Andie Walsh about the whole thing. Hear her reasons why the prom would've ruled after the jump.

Undoubtedly, if there's one thing that's weighing heavily on the minds of the fair citizens of our great nation, it's whether or not George Clooney's ex paid a trip to the rack-enhancer. Perhaps even more important than that is the question of whether or not said surgery was the straw that broke the Clooney's back. And while we never got a chance to ask her to answer these riveting questions in person, naturally, one of TMZ's most upstanding cameramen did. As you have come to learn, moments of levity and brevity like this populate each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich. This week, Defamer's resident sandwich artist Molly McAleer held all the salmonella-tainted tomatoes from this sammy and instead crafted a mouthwatering meal made up of only the finest, freshest and locally grown entertainment tidbits. Did Katherine Heigl diss the Grey's Anatomy writers? Are Audrina and LC still fighting? Will Cindy Margolis ever marry again? Remember kids, knowing is half the battle. Enjoy!

You may recall the evening about a month or so ago where Molly McAleer got schnockered on Two Buck Chuck while compiling your evening To Do's. Well, after spending the entire next day in bed with after nearly overdosing on tannins, she swore never to drink Trader Joe's vino for the budget-conscious ever again. So what's a girl to do who's looking to catch a (legal) buzz? Well, it's the weekend and, as we all know, weekends are for Michelob. So rather than put together your weekend To Do's sober, Molls decided to slam a sixer of Fergus Falls' finest. The results are predictably sloppy. Enjoy!

So, yeah, all of you hoping to catch a glimpse of the famed Molly McAleer sex tape last night got ShaniceRolled. Hope you weren't too upset; after all, it had to be done. However, those of you who missed seeing Molly last night will be glad to know that she is back tonight. And not only is she back, she is pissed. You see, in the midst of putting together the To Do's for Defamer on a nightly basis, somehow she missed out on the news that Barack Obama will be the Democratic nominee for this November's presidential election. And while she doesn't have anything against Barack Obama as either a person or a candidate, she does have some strong feelings about who would've made a better (and more electable) nominee. So join us, won't you, as McAleer goes McLaughlin in tonight's clip.

Although we are loathe to admit it, we kinda knew that this moment was coming. Ever since Molls started doing the nightly To Do's here, a lot of people have come out of the woodwork with scandalous tales of what she is REALLY like after hours. And, well, as much as it pains us, we think it's probably best to broadcast the Molly McAleer sex tape here on Defamer before it inevitably ends up in Pat O'Brien's grubby paws. While most of you savvy internet surfers probably saw it earlier today, we figured we'd at least turn Molly's shame into a few extra page views. After all the embarrassment it's caused, it's the least she can do for us. Enjoy ... or learn ... or something.

Remember when everyone with cable TV and a pulse was watching Trading Spaces? There wasn't a red-blooded American who didn't delight in watching Paige Davis, Ty Pennington, Vern Yip, Hildi Santo-Thomas and Frank Bielic counsel middle Americans on how best to redecorate their living rooms, kitchens and basements. Well, that glory run of basic cable besteverness all fell to shit when Paige Davis left the show (or was she fired?) back in 2005. And what exactly does that prologue have to do with the price of tea in China, you ask? Well, in this evening's installment of Defamer To Do's, Molls introduces us to her "brother", Zach, who still counts himself as a big fan of the show. Stick around to see and hear his thoughts on the pride of TLC; you won't want to miss this.

Although it's probably safe to say that hipster DJ douche / heir to the Benihana fortune Steve Aoki* and Cobrasnake-girlfriend-cum-waify-ingenue Cory Kennedy* are both on the downside of their respective career trajectories, that doesn't mean that we're not thrilled as heck to have them walk us through this evening's To Do's. After all, if you're looking to spend your Monday night blowing rails and dancing your American Apparel'd ass off to the latest Crystal Castles remix while some curly haired dude with a really bad 'stache and a digital camera keeps trying to convince you to pop your top so he can take pseudo-artsy pictures of you and post them to the internet, well, we'd be hard-pressed to find two more qualified people in the entire city of Los Angeles to let you know where those kind of shenanigans are going down than these two. Enjoy!

With the possible exception of a Double Double with Animal Style fries, nothing goes down better after a long work week like a heaping Dirt Sandwich. Even better? You don't have to wait in line! Much like the ole In-N-Out, Molly McAleer uses nothing but the freshest ingredients when preparing each week's Dirt Sammy. Whether it's watching a makeup-less Tatum O'Neal get carted away by the cops or breathlessly awaiting to find out the outcome of what happened when Universal Studios explodes into flames with Steven Spielberg in the middle of the inferno (!), we guarantee that this week's Dirt Sandwich will satiate your weekly cravings for mental junk food. As always, enjoy!

In a warm-up for her long-awaited trip back in front of the camera, Lindsay Lohan paid a visit to Defamer videographer Molly McAleer for a run through this weekend's essential to do's. And LiLo clearly hasn't missed a beat, springing out of the Cannes closet and back into Los Angeles just in time to make her gay pride debut. We, too, are proud to welcome her, and we hope a free, frolicsome weekend with Sam Ronson and the rest of the sisters bodes well for the breakthroughs to come. Follow the jump for all the can't-miss action.

While we all felt a little bit misty back on March 4th when Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax passed away, the event conjured up some repressed childhood memories for Defamer's To Do blackbelt holder, Miss Molly McAleer. Memories that she hasn't been able to deal with until now. In tonight's installment of Defamer To Do's, our little polyhedral princess confesses that she spent more than a little bit of time with the 20-sided die while growing up in the suburbs of Beantown. Enjoy!

You know, there's more to Defamer's To Do's than bringing you, you know, things to do. While Molly McAleer likes to have fun as much (or probably even more) than the next vlogger, she's also interested in your well-being. Which brings us to Officer Bob, Defamer's official safety patrolman. He's been an important part of our day-to-day lives at Defamer HQ for some time now and, just recently, he helped Molls after a particularly frightening encounter in Koreatown. We have been assured that nothing makes Molly prouder than to do the honors of introducing him to the nation at large, and we have also been asked to let you know that Officer Bob is available to do motivational speeches at bar mitzvahs, retirement homes and summer camps. So, with that in mind, please enjoy tonight's installment!

Over the last few days, we have touched on many aspects of the fire that ravaged this town over the weekend: the lost prints, the mystery of the 3am blowtorching, the things we wish would've burned and the destruction of the King Kong attraction. But there is one crucial aspect to the blaze that the media continues to ignore, likely due to the power and influence wielded by a certain member of local government. That man is Mayor "Goldie" Wilson. And while most cower in fear of him, our Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer is just the type of woman to stand up to his reprehensible actions (while, at the same time, bringing you this evening's To Do's). Fight the power!

When she's not busy winning over the likes of Verne Troyer, Molly McAleer is hard at work bringing you each evening's To Do's. For tonight's installment, she decided to go back to a well that still has plenty of water left in it. That's right, back by popular demand, it's another Harryhausen-meets-Hepburn stop motion classic. Enjoy!

If you woke up this morning and noticed that something in the air seemed, well, different, your senses were not deceiving you. As the final days of May trickle to a close, that can only mean one thing — it's time to hit the beach! For those of you who haven't been swimming in the Pacific yet this year, might we suggest bringing an inflatable alligator to the beach with you this weekend? After all, nothing puts a damper on a lovely day at the beach like getting caught in a riptide and ending up marooned on Santa Catalina Island (especially if a burst of negatively charged exotic manner ends up making said island up and disappear!). Whether you end up at the beach or not, Molls McAleer is here to guide you on your journey of all the fun that can be had in Los Angeles this weekend. Enjoy!