Computer illiterate masturbators of the world, take heed: your 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover girl is Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend Bar Refaeli. Allegedly.

This morning we told you about internet microcelebrity Hilary Rowland, the modelesque blond fond of name-dropping and self promotion. But who is she, really? Time for a field guide!

We're obligated to tell you that Mariana Bridi, the 20 year-old Brazilian model who had her hands and feet amputated over the past week, has died.

[A Maria Bonita Extra dress is modeled at a fashion show in Rio de Janeiro yesterday. Where are the model's legs? Image via AP]

Delightfully insane fashion person Karl Lagerfeld is not afraid to formulate patently ridiculous defenses of decadence. Fur is bad and models are too skinny? More like animals are dangerous and girls are too fat!

If you needed any proof that models are the way they are due to a blessed combination of genetics, speedy metabolism, and an active lifestyle, the group of mannequins surveyed by The Cut mostly insist—and why would they lie?—that tomorrow they totally plan to stuff themselves with food. Chanel Iman says "I love to eat," Ali Michaels says "of course!" she plans to overindulge, while Lindsay Ellingson's favorite Thanksgiving food is her mom's pumpkin pie "with lots of whipped cream." Vegan Ali Michael, though, will eat "a simple meal of steamed greens, beans, avocado, and maybe even a little piece of raw dark chocolate." Sounds tragic, but at least she won't be obliged to purge/spend five hours on the treadmill/cancel her next shoot after.

Not that Padma Lakshmi needed any help in ensnaring her next billionaire boyfriend, but this can't hurt: Indian models are apparently the next big thing in the modeling world, an industry that is finally recognizing "their potential and versatility in selling high fashion," reports ABC News. Willowy Brazilians Gisele Bundchen and Adriana Lima? They're so five minutes ago as advertisers and editors book new faces from the subcontinent like September Harper's Bazaar cover girl Kangana Dutta and Ford model Lakshmi Menon, who's been in recent campaigns for Hermes and Givenchy.

Kiliaen Van Rensselaer has a breezy attitude about this current financial apocalypse, but not because he's the fabulously wealthy direct descendant of the founder of the Dutch West India Company; it's because he knows that he's a self-made man, and he knows that while recessions are ruinous for the poors, they are only setbacks for plutocrats. Like his own family, for instance! Kiliaen (pictured with unpopular socialite Olivia Palermo, who we hear he used to date) is confident that the world judges him on his actions alone. Foolish rich people, when will you learn not to be profiled by the Observer? Spencer Morgan will just hang you with your own quotes:

Despite the frequency with which willowy, young models end up shacking up with fat, old billionaires, Elite Model Management would like to make it very clear that it is not an escort agency. You cannot just pay some enormous fee, pick a stick-thin girl from a lineup, and then take her into a room for some "companionship." This explains why the modeling agency was none too pleased when it found out that a Manhattan escort agency was using the Elite name (and the domain elitemodels.cc) to market $7,500 prostitutes.

Elite media types and financiers aren't the only ones suffering during this economic downturn, you know. Models are suffering too! And who better to shine a light on the travails of modeling these days than Isobella Jade, the short, self-made woman who rose from homelessness to microniche prominence by writing her memoir in the Apple store and then triumphantly eating a burger. Remember her? Yea! She's still a hardworking self-promoter, so we checked in and got her take on the crucial question, "How Does the Economy affect a Body Parts Model?":

Well Kanye West, we've got to give it to you. In the past we've mocked you for your blog, your anti-hippie rants, your comical self-importance, and your muppet show. But that was before you filled a room with dozens of nude women as a backdrop for your record release party. Critics who enjoy nude women loved it! Here's how these creative, out-of-the-box tactics worked for Kanye and his media friends—Nakedness below:

"We all know insurance is dull," announces this ad for Trident, which is apparently an actual insurance company in the UK that sells legitimate insurance, and not just some viral front company. To offset said dullness, Trident's new commercial is nothing but 85 seconds of bikini-clad models bouncing up and down on pogo sticks, filmed from the most porny angles possible. Also, a few slogans are thrown in! Honestly, it's left me too dazed to really be able to sort out whether it's despicable or...brave? It's certainly not clever, per se. Perhaps one more ad with male pogo models would head off the impending backlash. Watch it below and consider its sociosexual implications:

Meet Ben Massing, a smoldering young (straight) model from Florida, who recently graced the pages of gay magazine Genre. And he was not happy about it. Indeed he's filing a lawsuit, claiming his privacy was violated because he only intended to use the be-underweared photos for his portfolio. This caused something of a foofaraw in the ogling gay community, people accusing him of being a homophobe. Now a gay magazine publisher has come to young Massing's defense. Jeff Woodward, who publishes another gay mag called Next, wrote in to gay site Queerty:

All those who have suffered, sometimes physically, at the hands of Naomi Campbell will no doubt take consolation (and, more importantly, find forgiveness in their hearts) at the news that the supermodel's violent tantrums have nothing to do with anger. She's not an angry person, you see; she's just frustrated that the fashion industry doesn't employ enough black models! "I'm not saying I've always used my frustration in the right way," she bravely admits in an interview. So when the maid in your Park Avenue apartment isn't doing her job properly, smacking her upside the head is not an effective way of combating racism and bringing about enlightenment?

You would think that Ron Burkle would lead a charmed life, considering all the perks he enjoys as a billionaire mogul. He flies around on a private jet! He cozies up to starlets! He hangs out with fellow horndog Bill Clinton! He secretly backs Radar, and has the best flacks money can buy to control his press coverage! But no amount of money will allow Burkle to have it both ways; he wants the parties and models, but not the notoriety that comes with them. Sorry Ron, you have to choose one or the other. Because when you're out bothering models and sharing girls with Leonardo DiCaprio, we hear all about it: In the Daily News' Rush & Molloy gossip column today, there was this about Dicaprio:

It's really quite impressive that Naomi Campbell even has time to squeeze in her primary occupations of getting hairweaves, throwing monumental tantrums, and hanging out on yachts in between stints of court-mandated community service. Last year's sterling contribution to the New York Sanitation Department is currently being followed up with work in a London soup kitchen. (Sadly, her community service back home forced her to miss the finals of US Open, where she appeared last Sunday, left.) Naomi is not actually required to come into contact with any homeless people—let's face it, they've been through enough—but is "doing paperwork in the back office." Still, her supervisors might want to keep, say, paperweights and large staplers out of reach.

Although what we're about to tell you will come as a huge shock, try to stay calm, and we'll keep our fingers crossed that nothing else so completely unexpected occurs today. Rich, young socialitey-model, Alice Dellal, the face of Agent Provocateur, sometimes snorts cocaine! We know, it's unbelievable. But it gets worse: She allowed herself to be photographed next to a DVD case with the drug actually on it! Does she not realize that the modeling world she inhabits abhors such behavior? Almost as much as it abhors calorie control, cigarettes, and extreme youth.

Nude supermodel photo scandal lawsuit alert! An anonymous model has filed suit in Miami against Egotastic.com and Splash photo agency for taking pictures of her sunbathing in her birthday suit (NAKED) in her own backyard—"as is often done by professional models to avoid tan lines." Invasion of privacy and emotional distress! But who is this mysterious, super-beautiful plaintiff? She helpfully includes several clues [UPDATE: the case may already be cracked!]:

You thought that all American Apparel clothing was inspired by Dov Charney's endless parade of sexual fantasies? Not true. Some of it is inspired by Africa! Or as Bambaataa and fey hipsters spell it, Afrika. Is it bad that the company doesn't use any black models for these products? It might be worse if they did use black models, actually. Check out more of this season's most authentic adornments for those in the struggle, after the jump. Real hipsters still have their Cross Colours from '92:

It's less than a month until Fashion Week, which means it's time for runway models to increase cigarette and laxative consumption and cut back on anything containing calories or nourishment. And time for journalists to write stories about the cruel travails of trying to be a size zero. Today the Wall Street Journal talks to 18-year-old aspiring mannequin Tatiana Stewart (left), who's attractive enough to work at the Fifth Avenue Abercrombie and Fitch (no small feat), but at 6'2"and size 4 she's repeatedly told to lose weight by casting agents—and didn't even make it through ANTM auditions after being told to lift her skirt.