Just five years ago it was all smiles for the ladies of The OC, what with the joy of being "discovered" and booking magazine covers and enjoying all-around adoration from Hollywood and growing fan bases. But things have taken a turn for the drug-and-flop-filled worse since the show's demise. From Mischa Barton and Samaire Armstrong's recent personal issues to Rachel Bilson's film career, we checked in on the female alum to see if anyone's star is still burning bright.

That headband might be just a tad too tight, dear old Mischa. After all, how else to explain your decision to publicly pass on Gossip Girl than to blame it on a reduced flow of blood and oxygen to your pre-frontal cortex?

Another day, another beauty splits up with legendary duck-faced serial dater Zach Braff. Seems Shiri Appleby, like her predecessors Drew Barrymore, Mandy Moore and Kirsten Dunst, just wasn't up to Zach's inexplicably high standards. It's embarrassing to admit, but we've always embarrassingly found the Scrubs star kinda charming in a college boyfriend who makes you laugh kind of way, but then again, we're mere mortals. So why do actresses like Shiri and Drew fall head-over-heels for this guy? Still, Zach is hardly the only aesthetically-challenged male star notching hottie after hottie on their (rarely worn) belts. We select our picks for the top five improbably lucky swordsmen in Hollywood after the jump.

Phew! The horrid possibility that painfully bad actress Mischa Barton might be joining the cast of Gossip Girl has been squelched. Apparently her reps turned it down. Oh good. She must have realized that she's not talented enough even for that show. That must be why. Right? [Us]

Overheard: Mischa Barton, the lanky, deep-voiced, ridiculously untalented former OC actress (ooh ooh! and reckless, drunken motorist!), has been offered a recurring role on the "so 'so bad it's good' it's bad" drama series Gossip Girl. Terrible! She's going to ruin it.

Deck-chair-mangling Method actor Mischa Barton finally faced down her Christmastime D.U.I. yesterday, with a Beverly Hills Superior Court having issued four misdemeanor charges against The O.C. star relating to her drinking, driving, and deep-ganja-toking arrest:

• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]

Last Celeb DUI of 2007 winner Mischa Barton phoned into omnipresent showbiz presence Ryan Seacrest's radio show On Air this morning, her first public statement on the matter since being picked up by cops in WeHo two days after Christmas for driving under the influence of alcohol and non-medical marijuana.

• Despite yesterday's DUI, 'OC' star Mischa Barton will still host a party in Vegas this Saturday. [Page Six]
  

We can all breathe a little bit easier now that we know that the "narcotic" found on Mischa Barton during her DUI arrest was, in fact, marijuana. (To be honest, we thought California classifies that stuff as a "holistic food additive.") We also now have access to heartbreaking images of a babushka-wrapped Barton—accidentally, we're sure, evoking Benazir Bhutto—being led away from the the jail where she spent the night to her parents' waiting car. A sobering event for all involved, to be sure. [Page Six]

Pencils down, everyone! We have the Official Mischa Barton 2007 Drugs-And-Alcohol, Not Just Alcohol, DUI Mugshot for you courtesy of TMZ—and it's a doozy. We can practically hear Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" playing over it. Those of you who guessed half-smile, you win. Those of you who guessed Nick Nolte hair, you win too. And to astute commenter Muzzy Van Hossmere, who went all in with the "'crying from one eye' technique she perfected on The O.C.," well—you've won big, our friend. Your wall-sized, Warholian lithograph of the image, suitable for framing, is in the mail.

We knew the end of the year would net a far bigger DUI fish than Boy Meets World's Topanga, and Swervy Claus has come through once again, crashing his sleigh into the side of Defamer HQ-2 with a newly booked Mischa Barton to put under our twinkling Christmas stump. True to their names, the girls at Hollyscoop were first on the scene:

You read Us Weekly for the articles. You can't help but be interested in what Lindsay Lohan snorted, ran her car into or slept with this week. But, you went to college, you read the new Chabons and Lethems as soon as they come out! You're not a vapid person! Good news: Celebrity is not only a major driver of the economy, it's a subject worthy of academic scrutiny. University of Southern California professor Elizabeth Currid, PhD., explains the sociology of fame and pop culture.

God, they weren't kidding about poor Mischa Barton moving to Jersey. Last night, from the mailbag: "Mischa Barton at A&P supermarket in Jersey City right now... she is buying stacks of Lunchables snack packs." We wrote back: "OH COME ON." Stalker: "True! She's with an older woman... her mother maybe?" Youch.

We sometimes forget that the streets of Los Angeles are a uniquely treacherous place, patrolled by glassy-eyed celebrities in hulking SUVs, waiting for an opportunity to ram their vehicles into unwitting civilians just so they can feel the elusive human connection denied them by their insulating, soul-deadening fame. A story in the LA Weekly reminds about this chilling aspect of life in our fine city, as well as the fact that Mischa Barton is apparently not as skilled a driver as her paparazzi-evading peers. Above, you can see the Saab devoured by the erstwhile Marissa Cooper's hunger to connect; below, an excerpt from the LAW writer's account of what it's like when one's father gets into a fender-bender with someone who used to be sort of famous, until they wrote her off that show or whatever:

• Mischa Barton treats the partyvoms like it ain't no thang! [Us Weekly]
  

· You'd think that on Halloween, people in Santa Monica would be a little suspicious that the Borat trying to engage them might just be an annoying dude with a gray suit and a fake mustache, not the genuine article. Then again, they were all probably pretty drunk.
· Speaking of Borat, it seems that notorious Rolling Stone pullquote whore Peter Travers is pretty pleased with the movie.
· In honor of tonight's The OC premiere: Hey, Mischa!
Howard Stern superfan Tony Pierce lands an interview with Mike Gange, whom we previously believed ceased existing once the E! show went off the air.
This is probably the best poem about Martin Scorsese's eyebrows that you will read today. But don't hold us to that if you find a better one.

• Jack Nicholson convinced Martin Scorsese to include a scene in The Departed featuring Nicholson, two women and a strap-on — a scene, conveniently, that Nicholson thought of himself. At what point can everyone stop buying into the Nicholson sex-symbol thing? Those days have passed. His presence in a scene like this does nothing but ruin it. [Page Six]
• Clay Aiken comes out of the closet and confesses he has wild nights of manlove panic attacks. [ABC]
• Paris Hilton gives a $100 bill to a homeless man. Shame on her, exploiting the less fortunate just to make herself a little bit less loathsome. [TMZ]
• Post-rehab, Whitney Houston seems to have her shit together and is, of course, eyeing a comeback. [Page Six]
• Revlon kingpin Ron Perelman admits that he dicked over his own son. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Mischa Barton admits that she was "self-obsessed." Good of her to tell us about it. [IMDb]
• Carl Bernstein defends Bob Woodward; Kate Bosworth starves; Leonardo DiCaprio dodges questions. Slow day. [Lowdown]
• Britney and K-Fed bring home poor baby Sutton, and so the child's nightmare begins. [Us Weekly]

• Deposed View co-wench Star Jones' condo is "off the market" for unspecified reasons. If we were to hazard a guess as to why the place didn't sell, it might have something to do with Star refusing to leave during showings, locking herself in her pantry with a hearty supply of Double Stuff Oreos. [TMZ]
• After a brief reunion, Paris Hilton and Starvos Niarchos have a fight via text message — despite being at the same place at the same time. [Scoop]
• House of Sand and Fog director Vadim Perelman was recently charged with groping two Connecticut women; turns out he has a history of mistreating ladies. In January, Perelman took a woman back to his home only to throw a chair at her head. To be fair, she hadn't been sucking him off, so she kind of deserved it. [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton dates rich, British inbred. [Metro]
• Finally, someone understands what the people want: a 9/11 comedy! Alas, the idea came from Oliver Stone. [R&M]
• Did Peter Cook attempt to kill Christie Brinkley with carbon monoxide? [NYDN]
• Britney Spears feels like she's "been missing out on life...like, things!" It's an old video, but still very moving. [Superficial]
• Jennifer Lopez reportedly left the cast of Dallas after learning she'd be cast opposite John Travolta. She's a lot of things, but J.Lo is no man's beard, on-screen or off. [Page Six]

· The votes are in, and America has spoken. And Mischa...it's your time. See you at the reunion show.
· According to Nikki Finke, the early word on Da Vinci Code's box office is: Blasphemelicious!
· The director of The Omen offers a master class in how not to use 9/11 in your movie.
· Not only has TMZ gone and made Britney cry after her near-fumble, they made sure to get some video of it. Warning: You will feel very, very dirty after watching it.