This year's edition of People magazine's hugely popular "Sexiest Man Alive" issue (Hugh Jackman takes top honors) will feature... um... scratch 'n sniff photos of famous dudes, like Gossip Girl actress Chace Crawford, TV show kryptonite Taye Diggs, Law & Order: SVU brute Chris Meloni, and young god swain of the oceans Michael Phelps. Each of the guys chose a scent that makes them feel sexiest, from fresh cut grass (Mr. Crawford) to L’Homme YSL parfum for Mr. Phelps. We'll take a look at each fellow's preferred odor and analyze what it's supposed to say about them and what it really says, after the jump.

Many women, including Kristen Wiig and some chick from Sunset Tan, have tried to de-Speedo decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, yet it's clear to us that the swimmer has the most success with older ladies. It hasn't been long since one of network television's trophy wives rented Phelps as the decoration for a cougar pool party, but his Boniva-friendly appeal was at full power on today's edition of The View. Licking her lips, Barbara Walters sized Phelps's body up like it was a prize ham, barely able to contain herself at how big everything was. And then, when Phelps showed off his double-jointed arms? Let's just say it's a good thing producer Bill Gedde was on hand with smelling salts.

When we speculated about a future in TV for Olympian Michael Phelps, we thought it might involve, at most, a Screech-toplined movie of the week (along with the obligatory SNL stint). Imagine our surprise, then, when Page Six told us today that Phelps has embarked upon a second career in Los Angeles: renting himself out to satisfy Hollywood wives!

Dolphin-like Olympic champ Michael Phelps is like that dude in the poem who has come to two roads that diverge in the woods. Except Michael Phelps has far more money at stake than that guy. Now that Phelps has won the races and gripped the strippers, his full-time job is endorsing products in return for sweet cash, the nectar of life. Even his mom is in on it! But Phelps is already screwing up. Now is when you determine whether you're the next Tiger Woods or the next [obscure swimmer], Mike. We're here to help, for a small cut. Micheal Phelps' current endorsements include Speedo, Visa, Kellogg's, AT&T, Rosetta Stone, PureSport Beverages. The first would be better if it was Nike or Adidas. The last two are crap niche products that will bring down Phelps' brand value. The middle three are okay (although Wheaties would have been preferable to Corn Pops). What Phelps has to realize is that there are only two paths for athlete endorsers to take: the Nerd path, personified by Tiger Woods, or the Badass path, personified by Ray Lewis. It's simple, really. Can a middle-aged white businessman imagine hanging out with you for a day, and maybe making friends? Then you're a Nerd. Tiger is the uber-nerd, and he's made it work to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars. Do you think Tiger motherfucking Woods drives a Buick? No, old people drive Buicks. But Tiger is nonthreatening enough that old people can imagine him plausibly driving one to their cocktail party, and then hitting a few putts in the putting green in their den. Pals. Ray Lewis is a superstar linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. He was on the cover of Madden 2005. He's also been indicted on murder charges. He will end you. Do you think Ray Lewis is going to come over to your apartment and sit on your couch and play Madden with you and offer you a high five and drink your Capri Sun in a spirit of friendly sportsmanship? No. You fear Ray Lewis, and that is why he's an effective endorser. This is a spectrum, but everyone falls on one side or the other. Michael Jordan is at the friendly end of Badass. Donovan McNabb is at the cooler end of Nerd. Michael Phelps has placed himself squarely on the nerd track. The question is, is that the way to go. Look, Phelps: you're young. You're going to be a tabloid star. You don't want to be Tiger Woods, a cold-blooded machine with an icy, beautiful wife, a billion bucks in the bank, and a Buick in the driveway. You want to be the Jordan of swimming: towering and inapproachable in the pool, and a relaxed, smiling cigar-smoker out of it, surrounded by women as you play craps with money that Cuba Gooding Jr. gave you for the privilege of wearing your underwear. So lose the Speedo and the Rosetta Stone. Take up with Adidas and some Italian airline that will buy you your own villa. Keep up the aggressive grip. Grow rich and prosper. Send us 2%. [I know you're actually a nerd, Mike. It's irrelevant.]

"Olympic hero Michael Phelps — besides banking a bundle from endorsements — picked up $100,000 for appearing at an LA pool party for a TV network chief's wife and swimming some laps." [Post]

♦ You didn't expect to hear that Lydia Hearst actually wrote that column in Page Six magazine by herself, did you? In response to Hearst's accusation that Page Six fabricated her latest column—the one in which she bashed her family's publishing company—the mag now says that Hearst's writing process involved being interviewed by a reporter who then "put her thoughts into cohesive paragraphs." And they have the emails to prove Lydia's trash talk. [P6]
♦ Madonna is reportedly under pressure from the leaders of Kabbalah to reach a divorce settlement quickly, lest the mess cast a negative light on their freaky cult. Guy Ritchie, however, isn't making it any easier now that he's apparently rejected Madge's latest £20 million offer. [Daily Mail, ThisIsLondon]
♦ Michael Phelps got paid $100,000 to swim around at a pool party thrown by a TV network chief's wife. [P6]
♦ It's a match made in heaven: Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Jerry Ferrara, who plays Turtle on Entourage, are dating. [R&M]

Jay-Z and Beyonce leaving 1OAK ... Michael Phelps leaving MTV studios in Times Square ... Juliette Lewis using an ATM in SoHo ... Katie Holmes leaving her apartment building on East 13th ... Uma Thurman shopping in the Village ... Brooke Shields, Kim Raver, and Lindsay Price filming scenes for Lipstick Jungle in the West Village ... Carrie Underwood posing with her wax figure at Madam Tussauds on 42nd Street ... Agyness Deyn and Albert Hammond Jr. walking with a friend ... Donatella Versace leaving the Chanel Mobile Art afterparty at the Waverly Inn ... Kate Bosworth outside the same party ... and Madonna getting out of a helicopter while carrying son David.

• Michael Phelps is dating Barbara Walters' assistant "Marina," with whom he went to college. Wait, that's a fake name right?? Is someone playing a trick on poor old Cindy Adams? [Cindy Adams]

• Scarlett Johansson may have sent crushy emails to Barack Obama, but that doesn't mean she can't defend Hillary Clinton against sexist political pundits in the racist media. [Star]

♦ Michael Phelps is telling people he's single even though he's actually dating Miss California runner-up Nicole Johnson. [R&M]
♦ Peter Cook's interview with Barbara Walters airs on Friday, but Christie Brinkley's lawyers now say he violated a confidentiality agreement by speaking with the network. [OK!, ABC News]
♦ Hugh Hefner says his relationship with Holly Madison began to crumble six months ago when they found out his sperm count was too low to father any kids. Also, he's already auditioning new girlfriends. [E!]
♦ Anna Wintour's latest celebrity obsession? Gerard Butler. [P6]

♦ Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky are getting married tonight. Mark Consuelos, the husband of Kelly Ripa, is presiding over the ceremony. So if you have no plans and you'd like to see this bizarre menagerie of people for yourself, please show up at Le Cirque on East 58th Street. [P6]
♦ Despite rumors, Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she has no plans to leave the View for Fox News. [E!, People]
♦ Madonna and Alex Rodriguez may have had dinner together, although both of their reps deny it. [P6]
♦ Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse are working together on a new song. Hopefully it'll turn out better than their last attempt at a collaboration, which "ended in tears." [Mirror]

• So now Demi Moore is dating Michael Phelps? After all of Ashton's hard work making "Punk'd" she just trades him in for a younger model? [P6]

The new season of Saturday Night Live begins tonight and it may be one of the most anticipated debuts the show has had in a long while. The host is human-dolphin hybrid Michael Phelps and athletes often make surprisingly good hosts, because they (generally) aren't afraid to go along with anything. (That's the secret weapon all great hosts understand.) More importantly, it will (hopefully!) mark the return of Tina Fey to the ensemble, taking on the temporary role of You Know Who. (Or maybe it'll be Kristen Wiig and her Target lady voice? Also promising.) The show definitely lost something when Fey left as a writer, and while a recurring bit role can't recapture all the magic, she will mine that part for every comedic possibility there is. And there are a lot. The last great era that show saw was the fall of 2000, when their political humor was at its peak. Will Ferrell and Darryl Hammond were the dynamic duo of that election season, because Al Gore and George Bush were such perfect foils for each other. The comedic possibilities for Obama/McCain are not nearly as great, but ... whoo-boy do those VPs bring a lot to the table. I would post my favorite sketch from that era here, but NBC has stupidly not provided any clips of it on Hulu. Way to seize the moment, guys! So I'll just throw this one up there, because it's hilarious and then leave you to your own devices. By the way, Barack Obama himself was actually supposed to appear on SNL tonight, but canceled to due to Hurricane Ike. Which brings us full circle. Yay! I'm out for the evening and someone else will walk in the sun with you tomorrow. It was fun! Thanks for having me and thanks for reading! [Hulu; HuffPo, ABC News]

As Sunset Tans' famed Olly Girls continue their important work somewhere in our solar system—we think they're currently colonizing the first tanning studios on Mars—we thought we'd check in with some of the E!-documented bronzing franchise's earthbound bulb-bunnies. Attendant Amber Peterson, for example, currently manning the beds at their Las Vegas oupost, couldn't be more excited about her obsessively documented date with a certain superstar Olympic gold medalist—and here's a hint: it's not female weightlifting champion Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarakoon of Thailand. It's Michael Phelps!

• David Letterman had his second-highest ratings of the year last night thanks to Barack Obama's appearance. [THR]

Human fish made of gold Michael "Maikeer Feierpusi" Phelps took his webbed hands and goofy demeanor on Jay Leno's talk show last night. And gave Jay his best ratings in three months! They discussed the usual trite shit, while NBC raked in even more money from this young swimming freak. What they didn't talk about (Tivo confirms): Michael Phelps' recently documented proclivity for aggressive stripper ass-grabbing. Jay, you're leaving so many more viewers on the table here. [Pics at Radar]

When Olympian gold medalist Michael Phelps was announced as the host of Saturday Night Live's 33rd season premiere, we had a couple concerns about his acting ability — worries that, frankly, weren't alleviated by his monotone presenting at last night's VMAs. Fortunately, SNL all-star Kristen Wiig has the right idea about how best to utilize Phelps — and it's by putting focus on his most unassailable trait, his body:

In case you haven't seen them just yet, photos of star Olympian Michael Phelps "massively skeeving on girls at the Playboy Club" at the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas. [Radar]

Olympic gold medalist and American hero Michael Phelps never stops training. In this photo you see him strengthening the grip of his championship hands by squeezing the firm, champion buttocks of a dancer at the Las Vegas Playboy Club last night. The picture was snapped by roving Radar nightlife reporter Neel Shah, who selflessly pursued this journalistic scoop in the face of Olympian opposition:

Classy: Michael Phelps' 57-year-old mom, Debbie Phelps, has signed an endorsement deal with Chico's, the chain where she picked up her outfits for her trip to Beijing. [WSJ]