After Michael Jackson died, the AP reports his Doctor Feelgood—Conrad Murray—whisked back to his mansion to retrieve a cream "so the world wouldn't find out about it." What was this mysterious salve? Would you believe we have theories?

She just can't forgive Tiger for sleeping with a porn actress. Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz reunited. Michael Jackson signs a deal from beyond the grave. Every New Yorker hates Brooke Shields. Tuesday's gossip is not taking it anymore.

During auditions for the long-running Japanese Ultra Series (think of it as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers' primogenitor), the hopefuls erupt into a fully costumed recreation of Michael Jackson's Thriller video, taking their Ultra Monster mash to the streets.

Child Services storms Chateau Jackson when Jermaine's kid puts Blanket's life in peril. Megan Fox announces she's only slept with two men. Jolie and Franco are shoo-ins for based-on-a-true-story suicidal artist roles. Wednesday gossip is full of surprises.

It's hard enough to make forks and rolls look like dancing feet, but to dress your hands in full Michael Jackson garb and do a brilliant ambidextrous rendition of "Thriller" puts all other finger dancing to shame.

Joe Francis' tax problems: no more. The Giuliani's make their migration nest nice. Brad Pitt's pot policies. The Eternal Sunshine of Tiger Woods' penis doesn't last. People cares about Michael Jackson's kids. Presenting your Valentine's Day Morning Gossip Roundup:

Gaga's dress gets messy in the snow, Jersey Shore's Vinny forgoes a surreal appearance at Yale. John Mayer apologizes for using the n-word. Amanda Bynes doesn't see why craving "chocolate" men is wrong. Thursday's gossip is white all over.

• It looks like Madonna and Jesus Luz haven't broken up after all. The singer and her Brazilian boy toy attended the London premiere for Tom Ford's A Single Man on Monday night and "they were all over each other" and "kissing in front of everyone," according to people who were there. So if they have broken up, well, they have a funny way of showing it. [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan isn't a hoarder because she has a shopping problem; it's because "a lot of it is gifted," says Dina Lohan. LiLo and her mom/party pal say they plan to donate a lot of Lindsay's "stuff" to charity and the public will be able to buy some of it on their website. So head over to lohanhouse.com in case ripped leggings and Red Bull-stained clothing is your thing. [People]
• Tiger Woods is a free man: After a month in sex rehab, he's reportedly flown home to Florida with his wife. So consider yourself warned. [Radar]
• Since things didn't work out too well with Brad, Vince, or John, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she "wants to be set up with a wealthy businessman, not a celebrity," at least according to an anonymous "insider." Somebody call Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger. Stat! [Us]

In which we discover the sexiest way to report a starlet's jury duty. Tiger Woods exits sex rehab, Madonna and Jesus Luz are still together, and Howard Stern declines American Idol's judging gig. Friday gossip isn't afraid to say 'no.'

• As if Lindsay Lohan didn't have enough problems in her life, it seems she's a "secret hoarder," too. In an interview with the Style Network's Niecy Nash, LiLo's shows all her "stuff," which includes a bedroom filled with shoe boxes and a living room that's been turned into a giant closet. On the plus side, if Sam Ronson ever goes missing, at least the police will know where to start looking. [Us, DM]
• Tiger Woods is supposedly leaving sex rehab in Mississippi by the end of this week, which means he's changed his ways or he's planning on playing in a golf tournament in Arizona in two weeks and he's not going to let his compulsive sexual habits get in the way of that. Elin Nordegren has already flown down to pick him up. Just so there isn't an incident involving a flight attendant in the first-class lounge on the way home. [Radar, NYP]
• Season three of the Real Housewives of New York debuts next month and now word comes that creepy couple Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen may be booted before season four. It's supposedly because "viewers don't have a positive reaction to them" and Simon threw a fit when he found out he wasn't going to be paid as much as the housewives because, well, he's not a housewife, although you're excused if you thought otherwise. [NYDN]
• Precious star—and Academy Award nominee—Gabourey Sidibe would really, really like for Justin Timberlake to be her Oscar date. So, Jessica Biel, if you could step aside and make it happen, that would be great. [People]
• Jon Stewart sat down with Bill O'Reilly last night. Highlights here. [Gawker]

• There's a good chance you'll be seeing the cast of Jersey Shore in the tents at Fashion Week. (If, that is, you happen to be going to Fashion Week.) MTV's newest crop of reality stars have been asking to tickets to shows, and a few designers have extended invites to "to attend or even model." [P6]
• If you wanted to go to business school but didn't do so well on the GMATs, Diddy is here to help. He says he plans to open a business school in New York City in the near future. [Starpulse, Us]
• Michael Jackson's "personal physician," Dr. Conrad Murray, is expected to surrender to the authorities today in connection with charges he played a role in Jackson's death. He'll likely be charged with involuntary manslaughter, which could land him four years in jail. [TMZ]
• Perpetual brat Kanye West threw a fit while flying back to New York from LA when he was told he and his assistant would have to sit in business class, not first. The temper tantrum paid off, though: The airline found room for him in the front of the plane and the rest of the flight went off without a hitch. [P6]

Hayden Panettiere's heavyweight boxer boyfriend forces us to confront our ageist, sizeist assumptions. Sandra Bullock would trade her Oscar nod for a dog. Jersey Shore contemplates Fashion Week. Holy crap, is Britney pregnant again? Wednesday gossip is not to scale.

"It's now just a matter of timing" before Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's infamous doctor and alleged pill-pusher, is charged with involuntary manslaughter, reports TMZ. The crime is a felony and carries a maximum prison sentence of four years. Dr. Murray is reportedly planning to surrender himself to Los Angeles authorities today. [TMZ]

Last night, one of the many atrocities committed at the Grammys was a poorly conceived Michael Jackson 3-D video. Nothing says "the future" like 3-D. The only problem is we're not quite ready for it on this level.

This year's Grammy Awards actually deserved the "Music's Biggest Night" title. Inside, video of all the best moments, including Lady Gaga's opening duet with Elton John, a speech by Michael Jackson's kids, and performances by Beyonce, Taylor Swift and more.

Michael Douglas is living through Traffic, and his kid might be a RAT. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats trying to make beautiful music. Nicole Richie: not a skeleton. Jessica Alba's one year-old daughter: caliente? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• As rumored, the New York Times plans to begin charging readers to access stories on the NYT website. It will be a metered system (so only "frequent readers" will be affected), and it doesn't start until 2011. And faithful subscribers to the print edition won't be forced to pay anything extra. [NYT]
• What are the chances Conan lands at Fox? It could happen, but there are plenty of reasons why Fox might decide to back away from a deal. [WSJ]
• The news biz: Talks to bring Ted Koppel back to ABC News appear to have fallen through; Megyn Kelly is getting her own show on Fox News; and CNN has announced it's partnering with hipster mag Vice, oddly enough. [NYO]
• Condé Nast's Fairchild unit has a new chief. Gina Sanders, Lucky's publisher (and Si Newhouse's niece) will now be running the show. [WWD]
• The Sundance Film Festival kicks off in Park City, Utah tomorrow. And it's shaping up to be fest's "most important" year ever, supposedly. [NYT, WSJ]

Clooney is working on an earthquake relief telethon and Brangelina just tossed $1M Haiti's way. Tila Tequila stumbles into a third alter-ego. Jacko's kids' monthly allowances could feed and support a family of four for a year. TGI Friday gossip.

Neverland giraffes Rambo and Jabbar Jr. were discovered dead yesterday in Arizona's Bonjoko Wildlife Preserve, where staff suspect "foul play"; control of the beasts' $100,000 emergency fund had recently sparked a legal battle. Necropsies are under way. [TMZ Pictured:Jabbar]

On loan to Milan's team, Becks performs a strip tease, revealing handsome undies. LiLo is involved in a hit and run. Whitney and Brody "canoodle." Elijah Wood hosts Lord of the Wings, an eating contest. Here comes Monday gossip.