• Whoops! Jeremy Piven was seen eating a mercury-laden plate of tuna tartare and calamari salad last weekend, although his publicist is now denying the account. [MSNBC]
• "Insiders" say that Ivana Trump and Rossano Rubicondi did not, in fact, marry because they were hopelessly in love, but because it was all part of a deal to stir up some publicity and the two even had a contract drawn up. Our faith in romance has been crushed! [NYDN]
• How did the press know Chris Brown was in Miami with Rihanna last weekend? He told them so, silly. In related news, Rihanna is reportedly refusing to testify against him (even though prosecutors plan to move forward). And Brown is scheduled to be arraigned today, although it's unclear if he'll make a courthouse appearance. [P6, NYP, People]
• Jeff Toobin changed his Facebook status to "Married" yesterday. That'll clear everything up! [P6]

Britney Spears acted out her traumatic past for her concert audiences/group therapy buddies while the Speaker of the House prepared to soak in Brad Pitt's public policy wisdom.

• If you've noticed Jennifer Aniston's hair looking even more perfect and shiny lately, it's not your imagination. She reportedly spent $50,000 to have her hairstylist accompany her around the world for the Marley & Me's premieres. [DM, P6]
• Britney Spears kicked off her first tour in five years with a concert in New Orleans last night. The early reviews have not been positive, in case you're wondering. [People, DM, MTV]
• Did Chris Brown and Rihanna secretly tie the knot at Diddy's Miami manse? That's what Star is claiming, since Rihanna is "looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25." [Star]
• Breaking! Oprah has adopted a new puppy! [Us]
• Jennifer Lopez borrowed $50,000 worth of jewelry to attend an event last week, but never gave it back. [P6]

• Andre Balazs and Sharon Stone were seen cuddling on a couch "all night" at the Oscar party at Guy Oseary's home on Sunday, and looked like they "couldn't have been more into each other." We're beginning to sense a pattern here, how about you? [NYDN]
• Newlyweds Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo are expecting a baby. [P6]
• Jeremy Piven will make his case in front of an Actors' Equity panel tomorrow and offer proof it was mercury poisoning that forced him to drop out of Speed-the-Plow. Good luck with that. [NYP]
• Warren Beatty supposedly wants Lindsay Lohan to star in his new movie, but only if she moves in with him and Annette Bening during filming. [Fox411]
• Chris Brown has started taking anger management classes. He's also had to hire bodyguards because he says he now fears for his safety. [NYDN, InTouch]

• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer made their first awards show appearance together at last night's Oscars, sitting just 12 seats away from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, although they managed to avoid a run-in by skipping the red carpet and showing up at different pre-show parties over the weekend. [People, NYDN]
• Uma Thurman, Darren Aronofsky, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and Daniel Craig all skipped out of the show early to head over to the Vanity Fair bash, where Graydon Carter invited Chesley Sullenberger and his wife Lori as surprise guests. [LAT, P6]
• Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise had an awkward encounter at CAA head Bryan Lourd's house party on Friday night, while Oprah and Gayle King held court at Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg's pre-Oscars bash, and everyone "partied like it was 1999" at Harvey Weinstein's gathering. [P6, P6, Fox 411]
• At the Spirit Awards on Saturday, Mickey Rourke "playfully mauled" Rachel Weisz and "made a grab" at Jessica Alba's chest. [People, NYDN]
• A full list of Oscar winners, in case you missed the action last night. [People]

Lindsay Lohan isn't aware how blood-sugar deprived she sounds when talking about her normal diet, and Alex Rodriguez doesn't realize how desperate he looks when with three ladies on his arm.

Because the Jackson Family's collective behavior apparently isn't bizarre enough on its own, Marlon Jackson is backing a slavery theme park and resort in Nigeria. Doesn't this sound fun:

The greatest auction in the history of the universe will be held this April at The Beverly Hills Hotel, featuring over 2000 of Michael Jackson's completely insane personal effects. Here's a preview:

Having tried to block it for years, a broke Michael Jackson has finally agreed to auction off a large collection of his belongings. Auctioneers for Julien's Auctions were let into Neverland Ranch to ransack it.

We've already pointed out a chilling similarity between Michael Jackson and Watchmen's Rorschach.

Madonna wishes Alex Rodriguez was crying on her shoulder. Meanwhile, a Los Angeles woman is offering her support to hundreds of thousands of traumatized Miley Cyrus victims.

• Madonna is supposedly furious with Alex Rodriguez for returning to his ex-wife Cynthia after the steroid scandal broke a few days ago; we're guessing she won't be too happy with the pics of A-Rod partying with a group of girls in the Bahamas the weekend before, either. [NYDN, NYP]
• Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are engaged. [People, P6]
• Cops will reinterview Rihanna and Chris Brown in the coming days. [NYDN]
• Mort Zuckerman had a nice, long, expensive lunch at the Four Seasons right after slashing benefits at the Daily News. [P6]
• Prince Harry has been ordered to undergo "sensitivity training." [People]

Not so fast on reserving tickets for that "Thriller" musical. John Landis, the director and co-writer of the original video, is suing to get the thing stopped, claiming that Michael Jackson owes him money.

Supposedly, nothing more can be done for Patrick Swayze.

• Tory Burch appears to have lost her shot at winning the title of Mom of the Year: On a flight from Miami to NYC, the designer/society staple was spotted lounging in first class while her kids and nanny had to make do with coach. [P6]
• Olivia Palermo still seems to think her gig on MTV's The City is going to help her become a "serious actress," poor thing. [P6]
• Tom Cruise was photographed touching Katie Holmes' stomach, so obviously she must be pregnant, no? [OK!]
• Paris Hilton is in London this week. And she's providing lots of entertainment to the British public. She's already announced that she has no plans to choose Amy Winehouse as her new BFF, she doesn't know who the country's prime minister is, and she isn't planning to date Prince Harry out of "respect" for Chelsy Davy. [TS, DM, Hello]

The Nederlander Organization, one of the biggest theater owners and producers around, has acquired the rights to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. The one with the zombies. Plus, Mary-Louise Parker's very bad Hedda Gabler reviews.

Spotted at a Hollywood book store yesterday buying a boxed-set of his own music, Michael Jackson doused rumors he's gravely ill by sporting only a skimpy, single-layer face mask and bogeyman cloak.

• One of Martha Stewart's former "prison pals" says she recently approached the domestic diva for help with her medical bills and all she got in return was an autographed photo. So now she's making money the old-fashioned way: She's spilling details on Martha's time behind bars to the National Enquirer. [NE]
• Speed the Plow's backers say they've had Jeremy Piven tested for mercury poisoning by a second doctor, and may sue him if the results come back negative. [NYP]
• Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's annoying cousin and a regular on The City, was busted for trying to pick up a prostitute in Palm Beach in 2007, and has a warrant out for his arrest. [P6]

The ongoing liquidation of Michael Jackson's estate may have less to do with bailing himself out of financial ruin than it does securing something for his kids before he moonshuffles off this mortal coil.

It regrettable quote day! Josh Broslin called Russell Crowe an "asshole;" Lily Allen defended cocaine; Sumner Redstone bragged about sex and 30 Rock's Rip Torn insisted the ground was drunk, not him.