A model in Los Angeles used a hidden camera to prove a point we've known all along — straight guys look at women's asses way more often than they should.

In the economy, as in life, men are first in, last out, on top, and super successful. (And deserving.) Yes, the recession was a hard time for everyone. But everyone, whether man or woman, will be happy to learn that men are getting themselves back on track, more than women.

Oh that John Edwards, that guy, always combing his hair and having babies out of wedlock while his wife is dying of cancer, that jerk. What is his latest outrageous action, that he did, so that we can all get mad at him, once again, the pretty boy? Let's see, here it is, right in the foldy newspaper with all the pictures:

Slate Magazine featured a write-up Wednesday of two recent studies out of University of Texas-Austin that suggest the hottest thing a woman can do (in the eyes of a gentleman on the prowl for a one-night stand) is look sleepy, drunk, and/or unintelligent.

Today, in the year 2012, long after Martin Luther King Jr. and all those other guys marched and stuff, there still exists, right here in New York City, the type of discrimination that would have made Sojourner Truth stand up and say, "I don't think so!" [Pause for laughter.] That's right: salons are charging dudes different prices than women, for stuff, sometimes.

How bad is America's neverending recession? So bad that The American Man—mind enfeebled by Axe body spray fumes and Spanx-induced circulatory cutoff—now thinks nothing of taking a job that has traditionally been held primarily by women, so that he may earn money to pay for food, clothing, and shelter. The evidence is clear: "An analysis of census data by The New York Times shows that from 2000 to 2010, occupations that are more than 70 percent female accounted for almost a third of all job growth for men, double the share of the previous decade."

Lest you think the candle industry is beholden to the ladies, Man Candles, a new Yankee Candle line, have arrived to even things out.

Meet Maurizio and Roberto Viel. They are twin brothers who co-own a plastic surgery practice and have performed multiple procedures on one another to increase their resemblance. (Maurizio gave Roberto a nose job; Roberto plumped Maurizio's face.) One surgery they have not performed on each other, however, is their practice's specialty: Penis enlargement.

An Oxford University study examining the basis of how romantic relationships are formed found that ladies are all about calling and texting their men—bug-a-boo-ing, if you will—until around their mid-thirties, at which point they drop those scrubs in favor of chatting up women half their age.

Hey there, men. There are only a couple hours left of International Women's Day, but, if you've yet to pick up something nice for your special lady, you still have time to give her what she really wants: the gift of your sweet, sweet tears.

The American Man has, in recent history, been beset on all side by feminizing influences: Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Spanx for Men, fancy shampoo... where does it end?

For 85 years, the FBI has defined rape as the "carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will." In all that time, no men have been raped. Now, thanks to rap music, homosexual marriage, and Jerry Sandusky, the FBI has gone and changed the definition—placing millions of American men in danger of rape.

Men do recessions like, "Aww shit, it's a recession up in here, nothing but crappy jobs out there, guess I'll just keep working this crappy job I have, nothing else to do, stone cold watching some football and drinking brews with the fellas, because my life is a beer commercial." But women do recessions like, "Considering these dead end prospects in the current job market, I shall instead return to school to further my education and enhance my employment prospects for the future." Ladies are crazy!

Where to begin with today's Chicago Tribune story "More men taking the reins of the cart"? Perhaps with Danny Meyer, a 35-year-old brand manager, who, we are told, "shops on his own":

Like us, you've probably always assumed that schools with really good football teams are also full of stupid meatheads simply because stupid meatheads like football, and therefore go to those schools. That's not quite right; good football teams actually make students worse. Guy students. Cause guys like the football!

Are you married? Sucker. I mean, congratulations. Sucker. In olden times men and women would agree to be joined in matrimony forever—the men receiving a regular source of sexual congress and a valuable allegiance to powerful land-owning families in nearby regions, and the women receiving a new pot and pan. Today: married people are nearly a minority. So close!!!!

Yesterday we asked you, the professional etymologists that make up the vast bulk of the Gawker readership, to suggest a new word to replace "bro," so that we may be freed from the yoke of having to called people "bro," as we do now on a regular basis.

Bros. They're here. They're bros. Get used to it. They're not, however, poetic. "Bro." It sounds like an Eastern European cough. Can you think of a better word for these creatures?

Boys, or girls: which do you think is better at going to college? If you said "boys," fuck off, you stupid idiot, no wonder you never went to college.

Bros. They are everywhere, and they are unstoppable. Their mission: to return to the womb.