Ehh... no. [Via Copyranter]

As the American economy chugs along in the boom before the doom, you, the consumer, are no longer willing to settle for cheap, crappy items at low prices. And companies have heard your cries. They now offer cheap, crappy items at higher prices.

The fact that Macklemore is doing ads for Cracker Jacks that target "the ironic sensibility of millennial consumers" could inspire some long-winded and ultimately tedious rants on several topics, but instead why not just listen to some Brand Nubian?

Analysts say that "Price is the most important factor, ahead of flavor, when purchasing Greek yogurt," which is why America insists upon making the Yogurt Wars a battle between mediocre and sub-par while the real best yogurt languishes on the sidelines, unappreciated, like a creamy, delicious, calcium-packed Tim Tebow.

Once upon a time, Americans sat together at tables thrice daily for "meals," during which nutritious food was consumed. Today, however, market research indicates that we prefer to simply have processed meat products shoveled into our mouths constantly throughout the day. By conveyor belt, if possible.

Haha, would you believe me if I told you that Whole Foods, the grocery store of Wealthy Housewives On Their Way to Yoga Who Just Need a $12.99 Juice, is still trying to convince America that it is not an "expensive" grocery store? What's the big joke, guys?

The War in Afghanistan has lost the War for America's Imagination to the War for Greek Yogurt Supremacy. Though the latest dispatches from Kabul bore us to tears, we can't get enough news of the latest yogurt flavor combinations. Have you heard this Yoplait bullshit?

"Slow your roll," American booty-wipers: have you been feeling a bit light in the tush, lately? You sure have. Because Big Toilet Paper is engaged in a systematic program of giving you less for your money.

Hot Pockets is "reinventing" its brand to emphasize the "quality of the ingredients." As you laugh about that, consider the fact that consumers bought $640 million worth of Hot Pockets in the past year.

For 80 years, it's been illegal for hedge funds to advertise to the public, due to various SEC regulations. Now, those regulations are changing. Hedge funds will soon be able to advertise! *Eyes you up and down* Probably not to you, though.

You like coffee? Yeah, I used to like coffee. I'm kind of over that now. I've evolved past that. I've advanced into tea. Tea is kind of the new "thing," for me and my 300 million closest friends, the citizens of the United States of America.

You hear all these so-called "health experts" and "emergency room doctors gazing at our insulin levels in amazement" today who tell us, "Hey, don't drink so much soda," or "Hey, how can you put Mountain Dew in your baby's bottle, you monster?" They're always telling us to drink more water. But water is gross. What to do?

A long time ago, Bonnie Fuller was the editor of real (if vapid) celebrity rags like Star and Us Weekly. But now she's just the editor of a very pink website called HollywoodLife.com, and the author of bizarre celebrity conspiracy theory columns. And a simpleton pundit for the most gullible elements of the advertising industry!

Bluth's Original Frozen Banana stand opened for business today in Britain, marking only two weeks and four days left before Arrested Development returns to Netflix. The promotional pop-up will be traveling through London, Los Angeles, and New York City in the run-up to Sunday, May 26, when all 15 episodes of season four will be available to watch on that magical streaming box in your lap, an occasion which Michael Cera and Jason Bateman will personally commemorate by burning the banana stand to the ground and visiting Jeffrey Tambor in prison. OK, maybe not that last part.

America, a nation composed primarily of suckers, is always ready to fall headfirst for this or that new "health trend." Some are outright scams, while others are merely true facts that have been manipulate to render them indistinguishable from scams in practice. Behold: protein.

In a move that is predicted to tip the balance of power in the entire U.S. fast food industry and spark an advertising war between top players that could cost hundreds of millions of dollars, McDonald's is set to roll out the "biggest launch of 2013," which will reach into every corner of American dining culture: some chicken wrapped up in a tortilla.

After a brief and panic-inducing sabbatical, Twinkies are coming back, now that investors have scooped them up from the dying Hostess corporation. The big question now: who can be trusted to represent this storied American chemical product?

If you're a hip and trendsetting young urban affluencer like me, you can hardly count how many times you've purchased a new brand of bottled water, only to be disappointed with its lack of that... certain something. "I dunno, this just takes like water," you grumble, tossing the disposable plastic bottle onto the mountainous pile of similar empty plastic bottles that have built up in your tastefully decorated apartment, a testament to your restless search for a bottled water brand that speaks to your lifestyle. I am here to tell you that there is finally hope: a bottled water that comes from Brooklyn.

Black is the new black—in food and beverage packaging, that is! [MUST credit Gawker.com]. Beer is in black cans. Shampoo is in black bottles. Gelato is in black containers. Tell us, Wall Street Journal, what is the deal with all this black?

Meat! Think it's just about dead animal flesh, hacked and ground and processed with ever less "natural" flavors and preservatives? Well, I guess you know everything, don't you? No you don't. There are still more secrets to be revealed, about America's obsession with nasty meat.