It's a classic American hero story: PepsiCo was flagging, so it did a lot of research in its top secret BEVERAGE LAB, and started spending more money on ads, and now it's doing better. What could be more American than that? High fructose corn syrup water, ads, corporate earnings—it's everything that symbolizes this great nation. But does PepsiCo need even more rebranding in order to achieve its goal of "A Sierra Mist in every hand, and a Frito in every mouth?"

Are you the type of consumer who just waltzes into a store, carefree as you please, and picks up a jug of laundry detergent after a cursory glance at superficial factors like "price" and "it is laundry detergent?" I pity you. More specifically, I pity your clothes. And most importantly, I pity anyone who decides to run an ultraviolet detector over your clothes to see just how disgusting you really are.

Do you own a dog? Is your dog's name "Ranger?" Why not? Do you sometimes—because you love Ranger very much—go to the special pet store and buy him special, more expensive "Science Diet" dog food that is scientifically formulated to be food, for dogs? You monster. You're feeding your dog science? How is that even natural?

If you have ever given twenty bucks to the Red Cross and subsequently been deluged by form letters from 136 other charities, you may have asked yourself, "What's the deal with all this junk mail?" Here is "the deal," as you so crudely put it: the junk mail industry is now far more technologically advanced than ever. Just give in.

Were you one of those people who was always up in the grocery store with your husband or whatever saying "No dear trust me this POM juice is definitely worth $69.99 for this eight-ounce serving because, honey, listen, it is so amazing for your health, I read about it, trust me." WERE YOU? Well, you were wrong, unsurprisingly, and now the whole world will know about it.

The Axe brand of man perfume is launching a promotion to "send 22 lucky consumers into space," where there is no Axe.

Butterfinger candy bars are 90 years old. Who knew that chemical engineering was that advanced in 1923?

Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark has a new series of ads out in which veterans of periods (gals) explain all the wacky vagina myths they once believed. (These myths, they say, are untrue, though we cannot confirm this independently.) You may be shocked to learn that some of your most cherished opinions about your body are, in fact, as mythical as "Amelia Earhart" or "Sojourner Truth."

As a connoisseur of cultural detritus, you've probably seen this ad in which purported actor "Stephen Dorff," looking weary from days of dogged stubble-trimming, juts his chin repeatedly in your direction while explaining why he chooses to smoke Blu™ brand e-cigarettes, besides the fact that he is their paid spokesman. "Negative! One! I'm tired of being a walking ashtray," says "Stephen Dorff," no doubt bathed in Tom Ford cologne at that very moment.

The up-and-coming young "Millennial" generation, comprised of a bunch of soup-slurping microbloggers who mistakenly believe that they are creating rather than following trends, is ready to accept it distinction as the biggest bunch of sellouts coolest generation that history has yet produced. They have an inherent ability—born, perhaps, of a sensitive attunement to the standards of truth and beauty which no machine can replicate—to tell you exactly what is cool, about an advertisement.

So, says here that Lucky Charms' new advertisement is targeting not children, but "adults who as kids grew up with Lucky the Leprechaun and are apparently running back to him in search of some feel-good nostalgia." I guess the General Mills™ corporation just likes throwing away money these days, because all of the adults I know have been eating Lucky Charms this whole time.

Let's get a few things straight right off the bat. Number ONE, the "Millennial" generation is the best generation, because they are currently the most fuckable-looking, and therefore their every whim and desire must be obsequiously catered to by the corporate forces seeking to exploit their "cool" factor for profit; Number TWO, all food must be recast in the image of whatever a corporation imagines the Millennial Image to be; and Number THREE, soup is great, mmmm, soup. We must have some Campbell's Millennial Soup.

If you're a poor desperate person looking for a road to economic salvation, you need to stop dreaming about hitting a jackpot on the internet casino, and start looking for a job at an ad agency that helps convince other suckers to blow their money at internet casinos. Advertising for those fuckers is gonna be big.

Maybe it's his youthful open-mindedness, maybe it's because he's related to a hipster, but no matter the explanation, there's no doubt that very cool things are happening for North Korea under the leadership of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un.

So there's a new poll, see, and one thing that makes this poll special is that three quarters of the respondents were just regular people all over the world, and one quarter of respondents were "marketing professionals." Got it? A poll heavily weighted towards marketing professionals. That's the setup. Now, here is the payoff:

Fast food restaurants: do you think they're "all the same?" Sure, and I guess human beings are "all the same" too, right? That's what Hitler thought, as well. For the rest of you, who know better, America's fast food establishments beseech you to take into considerations all the important factors relevant to your choice of a casual dining establishment. Once you purchase that McGriddle, there's no going back for a Croissanwich. This choice is forever.

Lincoln, the auto company whose average customer is the same age as Abraham Lincoln, has a problem: they're rolling out a hot new car, and they would like to sell it to some people who may not be about to die. Where is the more youthful, affluent audience for this stupid car? If you said "probably buying a BMW," you are far too honest to ever be a chief marketing officer.

Residents of America: have you been approached by a friendly-looking man offering you free sweets from the back of a truck? Beware! This is not just any garden variety perv; it is a European perv, trying to corrupt our youth—by convincing them that "Nutella" is an acceptable breakfast item. It is not.

Advertising is like a shit and sugar pie. So, so sweet, as long as you don't think about what's going into it. And everyone wants a bigger piece. Who are any of us to say that someone should not have more shit and sugar pie? They might regret it, but we've been sucking it down for years.

What does the Creative digital ad agency world of the future look like? It's not what you might imagine—Mad Men in space suits, leisurely sipping martinis in their flying cars. It's about "thinking as much like a modern newsroom as it does a creative department," according to an Ad Age op-ed by ad guy Ian Schafer. What does that mean in practice? It means using lots and lots more buzzwords—strategically.