In 2011, I was approached by a shady online marketing firm that offered to pay me to quietly insert links to their clients' websites in Gawker posts. We imagined that exposing the practice might end it. Not at all! It's happened again.

In the future, soda will not be some grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and sugar. In the future, soda will be a grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and mysterious taste bud-modifying chemical agents. Progress!

Unilever, the enormous global consumer products conglomerate that makes everything from shampoo to mayonnaise, wants to do its part to save the world. How can you help? By buying lots and lots of Unilever products.

Kevin Trudeau is a longtime TV pitchman famous for selling the public secrets that "THEY" don't want you to know. For example, THEY don't want you to know that Kevin Trudeau is a fraud who is now in jail.

With the exception of the erosion of personal privacy and the growth of an ultra-powerful unaccountable economic elite over the course of several decades which we didn't notice because football was on, you can't put too much past Americans. Those Cocoa Puffs... are they natural? Don't try to fool us!

The fast food industry cares about the health of your kids. That's why the fast food industry is self-regulating when it comes to marketing their meat-poison to children. And self-regulation always works. That's why kids are still eating tons of fast food.

For Sally Grimes, "chief innovation officer" at Hillshire Brands, her "innovation mantra is 'A.M.P.,' which stands for 'accelerating meat possibilities.'"

You, the ruminant-like American consumer, "chewing your cud" (Cheetos) on your voluminous reclining chair as you passively absorb advertising messages for processed food conglomerates: which fast food ad do you relate to the most? The fake healthy place. Huh.

The American League of Lobbyists is changing its name. Seems that the word "lobbyist" has some negative connotations, in the minds of ignorant flyover state troglodytes and opportunistic media vultures. What shall we call lobbyists, in the future?

You, the consumer, demand that every artificially hydrogenated preservative-laced concoction that you consume be sweet as a honeybee's tits. You, the consumer, also demand that your sweet nectar be free of "calories," nature's survival mechanism. You, the consumer, have found a new fake sugar to love!

Once upon a time not so long ago, there was an idea: that some things in this world should be able to exist free from the influence of money—that these things should be done because of their own intrinsic value. You would be forgiven for scoffing at the notion that this idea was ever taken seriously at all.

"Millennial males are rebelling against the mass culture they grew up in," marketers say. Also: "One in three say they are 'sneaker obsessed.' And nearly 80% said American brands are cool again."

Gone are the days when a "brand" was just some bullshit made up by bullshit consultants who charged a ridiculous amount of money for bullshit. From now on, brands are people—just like you.

Between permanently kidnapping The Roots and producing the god damn endless popular cover song medleys that every god damn asshole wants to share with you on Facebook, you might have thought that mop-headed giggler Jimmy Fallon's show had reached Peak Irksomeness. Wrong!

Stodgy, hidebound members of the establishment (who wouldn't know a bold new idea if it bit them in the ass) might not like to hear this, but we're going to get right up in their face and tell them anyhow: Outback Steakhouse is back— rebelliously.

What's the ultimate prank? That's right: Replacing all the tap water in a friend's house with cold, refreshing beer pumped straight from a bunch of tapped kegs hidden beneath the floorboards.

John and Jane Doe, residents of 123 Main Street, Anytown, USA, are just your perfectly average American consumers: board-certified gastroenterologists, who will only purchase "Gluten-Free" food items, because they have scientifically confirmed their own celiac sensitivity with extensive medical testing.

It certainly says something about the state of Hollywood today that a three minute ad produced at a fraction of the cost of most movies is more moving and poignant than almost anything the big studios have to offer.

It's being called "the most beautiful, haunting infomercial you'll ever see."

Do you know what yesterday was? September 9. Also, the start of the Christmas advertising season. Fuck you, Kmart.