Out of a Vienna ad agency comes this abomination of a Playstation 3 ad that, were there truly a God, would never have shone its dark light on world. Let me try to paint a verbal picture for you: it's a guy with a thumb for a penis. Plus-ten points to the ad agency for the excellent Photoshop work here; but minus-eight-billion points for ever letting this thing come into being. I never want to touch another Playstation as long as I live, much less another thumb. The full and uncut ad is below: beware.

How popular are menthol cigarettes? Popular enough to reverse logic. The government is set to pass a bill that will ban "flavored" cigarettes, but menthols will be excluded. Because menthol, of course, is not a flavor. What menthol is is close to $20 billion in sales for the tobacco industry. As well as an important part of African-American culture! Tobacco companies advertise menthol brands disproportionately to minority communities, and it obviously works, although nobody really knows why. What we do know is that this bill is perfect—it protects my precious Kools, while saving America from the strawberry menace:

Conscious intellectual hip hop star Common has announced the winner of his big "Lincoln Spotlight" lyricist competition with Lincoln—the car manufacturer that represents hip hop culture. The winner wrote a song based on "Lincoln's brand truths: advancing the American dream, exploring what it means to reach higher, daring to do more and taking pride in one's history." That is so exactly Lincoln. And hey, just last week Common landed a role in the next Terminator movie! My irrational haterade judgment of him as a tool continues to be confirmed and re-confirmed. For those of you curious about what it takes to succeed in hip hop in 2008, the lyrics of the winning Lincoln Spotlight entry are after the jump. Feel the brand truths:

The aftermath of last week's Dove "Campaign for Real Beauty" photo retouching scandal remains unclear. It all started with retoucher Pascal Dangin telling the New Yorker that he had cleaned up photos for the campaign featuring ostensibly "Real" women, which would be a hugely hypocritical move. Dove, their ad agency, and celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz all denied it, saying they did nothing to the pictures except "to remove dust and do color correction." Today, Ad Age tries to decide whether or not the fiasco will hurt Dove—and the company is still stonewalling, while the New Yorker is standing by (most of) its story.

When massive corporations decide to come up with a new slogan, they almost always end up with something short, trite, and massively expensive. Citigroup just unveiled its earth-shaking new slogan "Citi Never Sleeps," which is a reworking of its classic "The Citi Never Sleeps" tagline. But didn't they just spend $30 million last year launching a different slogan? Well yes, but that one didn't work out, because it sounded like it came straight from the mouth of bottom-rung redneck comedian Larry the Cable Guy. Derisive laughter is appropriate here:

Sure, the current dicey economic climate has reduced America to nation of terrified food hoarders. But more importantly, it has cost us some of our annoying and unnecessarily strange advertising icons: Applebee's Wanda Sykes-voiced talking apple, and a bunch of guys running around in bizarre red pigtail wigs on behalf of Wendy's. Take a moment to mourn them. "Both campaigns were meant to attract younger diners," the Times reports. But they failed, because kids aren't doing as many drugs these days, I guess. The companies' new advertising strategy? "Hey, look at our food."

You know that Dove "Campaign for Real Beauty," which featured women slightly less skeletal than the average model, and therefore demonstrated that Dove is the greatest, most big-hearted company ever in the world? Well now there's a scandal about it! A new New Yorker story about Pascal Dangin, the world's "premier retoucher of fashion photographs," contains this tidbit on Dove's campaign, which ostensibly celebrates authentic, unadulterated womanhood:

MTV Networks is having its upfronts today, where it pitches its new season to advertisers. The network is also trying to sell sponsors on its "podbusting" techniques—i.e., making commercials that are like mini-shows in themselves. The theory, of course, is that making ads more like regular programs will defeat the almighty Tivo, with content so compelling that you cannot help but watch, slack-jawed, as the hypnotic 60-second Mountain Dew Bourne Ultimatum spinoff flickers before your eyes. They're so entertaining! Way better than boring old regular commercials. In one sense, this is corporate America trying to give us what we want. But do we really want better ads?

Everyone in the fashion, TV, magazine, footwear, apparel, movie, and vodka industries is salivating over the various self-promotional opportunities that come with the release of Sex and the City, the movie. (May 30th; we'll be there tottering on heels, sloshed on Cosmotinis!) Today's casualty: "With the debut of summer's most anticipated movie, don't be a 'Fashion Roadkill!' Everybody is talking about replicating the looks of our New York socialistas. The fabulous four, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha are back... But what about the fabulous look of Mr. Big."

You like to play with the pretty horses? Step away, until you pony up some cash, ha. High profile horse racing has become an entirely corporate marketing-driven spectacle, where horses are sponsored by UPS and owned by hedge funds. The big sponsor of the Kentucky Derby is YUM Brands, owner of Taco Bell and KFC. Who could embody the noble spirit of galloping stallions better than the nation's leading purveyor of Mexican Pizzas? Anyhow, YUM's CEO, David Novak, found out the perils of sponsoring an event with live animals when a horse up and died on the track at the Derby last weekend. With no idea what was happening, Novak stepped up moments later and gave his little speech plugging his company, which has proven to the world that he hates dead ponies:

Stanley Fish—public intellectual, Times blogger, and man of secret ethics—has been doing a lot of thinking about rental car ads, and their relation to cheating on your wife and/ or gay lover. "The genius of the commercials is that they foreground the sexuality that informs the relationship between the car owner and the object of his/her affection," Fish wrote. That's what I'm saying! Because many rental car ads play on the theme of leaving your old car for a new one, Fish believes they are deserving of deep deconstruction. About his favorite Avis ad, he concludes "Lust is lust and betrayal is betrayal, whether the relationship is gay or straight." Others might just like the part with the car, and the guy, and the joke. The ad, and his deep, sexy analysis of its genre, below.

As part of Neil Young's appearance at Sun's JavaOne conference, groups of hacks were herded into a conference room to ask questions of the aging rock legend, presumably about how awesome Java is, but I think the plan is that Java is just awesome because Young says so, and he trotted out an expansive interactive discography powered by the Java functionality built into Sony's Blu-ray hardware and a clean car project with telemetrics powered by Sun-sponsored software. Because I doubt there's anything baby boomer executives and the formerly flannel-shirted Gen-X set they spawned like more than getting the most out of their cars and home theater systems. Except maybe hearing Young pontificate on the virtues of an all-analog recording process.

Hey, lazy Reuters hack: there is nothing "top" about the Webbys. Most of the awards-"the Oscars of the Internet" says the wire's Paul Thomasch-are bought by contestants, who are charged application and attendance fees. A few categories are reserved for celebrities who have to be bribed to pick up their statues. But maybe I shouldn't be so dismissive: this scam still generates coverage from wire-service stenographers like you.

New York City: It is surrounded by New York state. This is the key message that state officials are hoping to communicate to you, the public, with their new and improved "I Love NY" campaign [NYT]. "There are a lot of beautiful pictures of serene mountains and lakes. How do you make your mountains and lakes different?" asked an ad exec. By polluting them with dioxin and a plethora of prescription drugs? No, it turns out the answer is to suggest that "we have the pulsating heart and soul of New York City in everything we do." In fact, it looks like the whole campaign is an attempt to slingshot some tourists out of the city for little jaunts upstate. Which will be hard, because New York state pretty much sucks.

Optimum Online commercials: they are now their own genre. A specific category at the Grammy Awards, a spot in the Olympic Games, and a bust on Mount Rushmore are reserved specifically for the psychedelic, grating ads that this strange company produces. The original "Reggaeton-Jet Ski-Lifeguard" spot was an over-the-top classic after only 17,000 exposures per person in the Tristate area; the follow up spot, all shiny, kinetic, and Hype Williams-esque, expanded the motif. Now there's a new one in circulation, and it shifts the setting to suburbia, with a sort of knockoff Gwen Stefani character whirling through a household with backup dancers, and the odd appearance of an old lady who is also a race car driver. Philosophers, break out your thinking caps. The full ad is after the jump.

Hunter College, the luxury brand Coach, fraudulent PR campaigns, and dishonest corporate collaboration with academia are the topics of the day today. Important topics! Adweek has just come out with a long investigative piece on a Coach-sponsored PR class at Hunter, which reeks of impropriety and dishonesty, and ended up tangling a bunch of college kids up in a fake online PR blog that makes them all look like a bunch of shady, dishonest undercover marketing hacks. "I knew a lot of hell would break loose about the class. And it did," said the teacher. Indeed. The condensed version of the whole sordid tale, after the jump.

Mentos ads started out very friendly. "The freshmaker!" the man with the vaguely foreign accent would proclaim. They were cheesy and fun. Their newest project, though, is far, far, darker. We're not quite sure how it's supposed to make us feel, but we would describe the experience as awkward and terrifying. If you choose to visit MentosKissCam.com [via Adrants], be prepared for some virtual sexual harassment.

The Economist, the smartest magazine in the world, may not be the smartest magazine in the world any more. Oh, the articles are just fine (we assume. We haven't read it since that free trial subscription ran out). We're basing our judgment on the magazine's new ad campaign. Which is utterly baffling. What, exactly, is the message here? Is the clown-and-stuffed-animal motif too clever for me to comprehend? Quite possible, but the campaign still reeks of a weeded college student breaking into the ad agency one night and replacing the real ads with these. Disturbing. Two full-sized pics of the inexplicable things [via Copyranter], below.

American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even!

When you're in a bar, and you need to get up from your seat for a moment, have you ever felt a desire for a paper square—preferably printed with a cheeky message—that you could place on your chair as a "seat saver" until you return? Us neither. But someone in Philadelphia apparently thought that such a thing would be useful innovation. As well as a perfect medium for advertising messages! So they made the thingamajigs, which are double-sided with two contrasting messages that you can change based on (guessing here) how drunk you are. What branding initiative wouldn't be enhanced by its inclusion on a product meant to primarily sit underneath people's asses? Two more pictures of these unreasonable things [via Adrants] below.