Here is what is happening with grocery stores, in America: the recession and rising commodity prices are squeezing profits. Weird stores like Walgreens and Target are now selling groceries. And men who buy groceries hate grocery ads. No love, anywhere!

"Power Balance" wristbands have magical holograms that give you magical powers of balance, just by wearing them. Just last week, Power Balance itself admitted Power Balance is a scam! Now the company's putting its name on a NBA stadium. Wonderful.

Oh dear. Mattel has gone and made a doll-promoting product-placement reality series called Genuine Ken: The Search for the Great American Boyfriend, hosted by Whitney Port. They've rolled out a preview clip and a fascinating website introducing the boytestants.

Starbucks has a new logo—now with 100% mermaid-thingy! Or, as they put it, they've "evolved the siren." This vagueness just makes them appear more sinister. Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz's own creepy, sinister explanation of this murky symbolism is here.

Last year, the U.S. government banned "flavored" cigarettes. Since then, the real fight has raged on: whether to ban menthol cigarettes as well. The end of Newports? Can you imagine? The company that makes Newports says: that's racist!

Wheat Thins do not want to be called "crackers." We can sympathize.

McDonald's is "running ads to remind customers that it still sells Big Macs and Quarter Pounders." In case you forgot.

The new must-have "ultimate accessory," for ladies: fruity booze, disguised as perfume. "Our point is not drink a lot to be glamorous - it's drink responsibly and in moderation and just be glamorous over all." Ohh, okay. [NYT]

Soon-to-be former Speaker of the House Rep. Nancy Pelosi is in need of a "stronger brand," so, naturally, she's soliciting branding advice from director Steven Spielberg. (Lesson No. 1: "Don't chase the little kid and the alien.")

Today, in delightful branding-related serendipity: Ron DiMenna, the 73-year-old founder of Ron Jon Surf Shops, was arrested for driving under the influence... of Four Loko. If only all apparel-store founders acted in exactly the way we expect their customers to!

We naturally assumed that the United States of America took a backseat to no one when it comes to sexualizing our children at inappropriately young ages for the sake of commerce. Turns out, no: the UK is even pervier.

Even as marketers try to entice you to buy your loved one that diamond Lexus, they already know that Christmas spending this year will be a disappointment. The lone bright spot for America's forlorn retailers: jeggings.

All-too-sober wine marketing mavens have their eyes on the wine drinkers of the future: The "Millennials," a.k.a. you, probably. Don't be intimidated, young Four Loko-swillers. The wine industry is going to make this whole thing very easy for you.

In America, cigarette packs will soon come with graphic health warnings. That's nothing. In Europe, they already have those health warnings; and now, they want to totally ban branded cigarette packaging. But what about the tragic destruction of coolness?

Nations Trucks in Sanford, Florida has come up with a clever promotional deal to sell used trucks: With every purchase comes a free AK-47 assault rifle! Says manager Nick Ginetta, "My buyer is absolutely a gun owner, no question." Great.

British crooner James Blunt has told the BBC that while serving as an officer in the army in Kosovo, he disobeyed an order to attack Russian troops. James Blunt is a war hero! He also has a new album out.

Under a law signed by President Obama last June, all cigarette packs sold in the U.S. must have anti-smoking messages covering 50% of the front of the package starting next year. Here's what the FDA is proposing.

If you've ever discussed your "skin issues" on a blog, Facebook, or Twitter, good news: the Unilever corporation was listening in!

First they did away with the biodegradable (but loud) Sun Chips bag. Then we found out that most "green" product labels are full of lies. And now, even faux-concerned Americans appear to be tiring of buying environmentally friendly crap.

Cigarette companies in Indonesia have a captive audience near Mount Merapi. Employees from Sampoerna, one of Indonesia's largest tobacco companies, are helping out volcano victims while also taking advantage of a great marketing opportunity: wearing logo-emblazoned gear and saving people!