Latecoming Valleyschwaggers have one day to bid on a first-edition Valleyschwag package — minus the tees and one sticker. Y'see, no one can come near a Valleyschwag package without taking just a little. [eBay]

What did Google threaten offer ABC News to score a "Google does much more than search" puff piece? (Why else would "Ahead of the Curve" willingly run this story, um, behind the curve?)

Best comment of the week award (winner gets half the Webvan profits) goes to sarahka:

¬ Having blogged that Facebook should take the $750 mil and run, dot-com expert John Battelle backtracks when the Harvard Crimson calls. The key to looking prescient: always have two contradictory opinions to point back to. [Harvard Crimson]
¬ Marissa Mayer gets interviewed — in German (or translated, at least). Philipp Lenssen of Google Blogoscoped translates the highlights. Says Google's VP of search: "Nobody ever writes about how we constantly improve our ranking system!" Because it'd be such a riveting story! [Google Blogoscoped]
¬ Kansas City is the new Silicon Valley. [MSNBC]
¬ Wait, Bangalore is the new Silicon Valley. [DNA India]
¬ New York Times Valley correspondent John Markoff (pictured somewhere up there) reads Valleywag. I hope he's commenting as "openwag". [POP! PR Jots]
¬ Things MC Hammer says in his guest post the Google Video Blog: "He [his character in a music video] is willing to do 'all tricks' if she 'speaks it from her lips.' This willingness is possible only if he gets to know her. He seeks commitment, romance and sensitivity." Things Hammer says in the video: "Girl, I need to know your name." Now that is commitment. [Google Video Blog]

It's fair, it's hard-hitting, it's "25 Things I Love About Google" by blogger Danny Sullivan. Sure, the Search Engine Watch editor will run 25 things he hates in his next column, but meanwhile he'll give some hero worship. But if you read between the lines you can see the real message — or the fake message that I made up:

Another CNN-affiliated magazine issue, another Marissa Mayer profile. Fortune's new self-written piece on the Google VP's insane schedule (which somehow left time for contributing to Fortune) allows only two explanations for her lifestyle. Either Marissa Mayer is an artificially constructed hologram delivering a carefully performed script, or she is an artificially constructed android running a Google A.I. Each line from Marissa perfectly supports both theories:

Openwag hyperbolizes in Nathan Tyler, the hottest man in Google:

One of Google's "aren't we cool" talking points is Marissa Mayer's open-office policy. Turns out, the Google search VP's openness is mostly spin. Surprise, surprise.

So the new TIME cover features the Larry-Eric-Sergey luge team. Very nice of the Google founders to share the glory with their CEO. The message here is "Eric matters," and it's the latest of many statements Google makes through magazine covers.

An attendee from a November forum was unimpressed by Marissa Mayer. Granted, the tipster is betting on a Google stock loss.

PayPal president Jeff Jordan (the man afraid of Google) made sure the Wall Street Journal saw him as a hard worker — or a sick freak:

Over 1100 Valleywag readers picked your favorite Google arm-candy, probably within two seconds of seeing them for the first time. It was no contest: You said Larry Page's girlfriend Lucy (93.8%) is hotter than Marissa Mayer's boyfriend Dave (6.2%). How could the little ray of sunshine do any less than dominate the beauty battle?

This is utterly gratuitous, but the Mari-and-Larry story has yet another update. Both Google execs have traded up, according to insider tips and some Google holiday party pics. Larry's dating a lovely young lady named Lucy, while Marissa hooked up with Google hottie Dave Jeske.

Okay, it's kind of mean to keep picking on Marissa Mayer, right? Like maybe I should give up by now? Ha, like that'll stop me.

Of all things to be accused of on our first day live: a couple of readers have already emailed in to complain that we let Marissa Mayer, Larry Page's ex, off too lightly. Referring to the fawning profiles in the business press of the Google VP, we wrote: "Google's corporate communications department has been putting forward Marissa Mayer as an appealing alternative to the company's overexposed founders." Not quite true, some of you say.

If D.C. is Hollywood for ugly people, then Silicon Valley is D.C. for the even uglier. (A cheap joke, of course, which we'll contradict with our Valley Hotties contests.) Everyone has a bad photo now and then; the fun is when they get promoted up to the "don't share bad photos" ranks of one tech giant or another. Above is the lovely Sergey Brin in drag, looking as scary as the evil girl in "The Ring." After the jump, shots of Hot or Not founder James Hong and Google VP Marissa Mayer.

Marissa Mayer used to date Larry Page. There, we said it.

Photo mashup by Jean-Paul Tremblay
Editorial: Google's power couple [Valleywag]

With all the profiles of Marissa Mayer in Business Week, Fast Company, and the Observer, which facts are getting the most attention? Here's a guide to media coverage of Google's mascot.

Oh, not another profile of Google VP Marissa Mayer. This time, the Observer reports on her morning-to-midnight work schedule.