As everyone knows, Gawker readers are classy, affluent individuals whose extreme productivity allows them plenty of time to stay up to speed on the important goings-on of the internet. And, like many refined, tasteful people, they're incredibly hard to shop for. As the Holidays approach, we thought we'd make like every other reputable news and entertainment outlet and provide you with a few gift suggestion that are tailored to the unique needs of the hip, savvy Gawker demographic. They're after the jump, conveniently broken down by reader stereotype.

• The undercover cop who fired 31 shots at Sean Bell in Queens had previously worked undercover at Bungalow 8, where "it was clear to everyone who knew him that he was doing more than just drinking." [Radar]
  

We have to admit more than a pang of envy at seeing photos and the menu of the new Google cafeteria, at the new Google Batcave at 111 Eighth Ave. Roast butternut squash with cinnamon and sage! Grilled chicken with roast apples and curried cashews! Curried organic fingerling potatoes! Wait ... fingerling potatoes? We didn't know Mario Batali's penis was involved in this venture!

Sometimes we can be a little harsh on certain figures in the public eye. In our quest to entertain you, we occasionally go too far, and we do feel genuinely bad about that. So we've decided to offer some of our most vilified targets the opportunity to respond on the site. So far only one has taken up the invitation. We print his response after the jump.

Mario Batali—orange clog collector, fingerling potato cultivator, restaurateur—has a problem on his hands: The meat he bought for the pizzeria he's opening in Los Angeles next week has mysteriously disappeared, and the thief's haul included a 13-pound salami. Is that the sweet smell of overcompensation in the air?
Mozza's Salumi is a Hit — With Thief [LAT]

Insults at Mario Batali's celeb roast at Capitale last night ranged from lame: "What are you trying to be, the Chris Farley of the Food Network?" — to slightly less lame: "You look like Kiefer Sutherland after he was stung by bees." But one zinger actually made us LOL — and it's courtesy of mild-mannered Queer Eye (remember those guys?) Ted Allen, of all people:

• CraigsList is now in theater form. Don't just read about monstrosities. See them up close and personal. [NYC Playground]
  

Regarding Mario Batali characterizing his restaurant Del Posto's landlords as "little bald men with small penises who live in Greenwich," a reader writes:

The landlords are little bald men with small penises who live in Greenwich. We're never going to leave, and they're never going to come in my restaurant.

New Yorker Festival Tickets are on sale RIGHT NOW! Rush your ass over to Ticketmaster or risk being shut out of Sasha Frere-Jones' dance party! Do you really want to be the only one in your circle who doesn't see Bill Buford discuss pig butchery with Mario Batali? (Try not to shake Batali's hand; it may be catching.) And how could you pass up the opportunity to spend hours on a boat with Paul Goldberger and dozens of bald men wearing Danny Libeskind glasses? Once these tickets are gone, they're gone; hurry up and get them now. Oddly enough, this is not an advertisement. Consider it news you can use.

Seems like every paper in town is trying to ruin our morning: We're fairly inured to disgust at this point, but there still is a list of things that we'd prefer not to read about over our cornflakes. Very high on that list are: rumors about Courtney Love's sex life; anything with the byline "Michael Wolff"; and rumors about Mario Batali's sex life. Today Ben Widdicombe goes two-for-three in one item:

• Good times at the Grammys: Sly Stone pukes backstage, Mariah Carey pouts, and Brett Ratner has a panic attack after fighting with his date. Serena Williams never would've pushed him so far. [Page Six]
• So far, the only thing we find interesting about the wiretapping case surrounding private investigator Anthony Pellicano is a recording in which Naomi Campbell is heard begging Sylvester Stallone's security guards to have the actor call her. My, how the tables have turned. [Lowdown]
• Courtney Love is seen at Amanda Demme's boozehole Teddy's at 1 AM. She wasn't seen drinking, however — she was just there for the dyking. [Page Six]
• Mario Batali's Del Posto faces closure if the ClogMonster doesn't fix lease violations. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Would Pink be a better mother than Britney? Do we care? We're more concerned with the existence of a higher power — and, if there is one, why these people are allowed to procreate. [Scoop]

• Britney Spears might be a repeat offender when it comes to child neglect. Spears' other repeated offenses include releasing albums, wearing scrunchies, and humping K-Fed. [TMZ]
• Courtney Love reportedly has her shit together and was acting, yes, like a lady at the Chateau Marmont. Unfortunately, she's so reformed that we're not sure New York will ever get her back. Time to start auditioning replacements. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban give one another cold, Aussie glares. [IOL]
• Jay-Z is reportedly at work at another album. No surprise there — everyone knows that when speaking Hova, "retirement" means "new record." [Page Six]
• Mario Batali's landlord thinks he's a orange-clogged pirate. [Lowdown]
• Ralph Fiennes ends his 11-year romance with Francesca Annis. 'Tis the season, after all. [R&M]

Lockhart Steele went to Otto (Mario Batali's new place) last night and had a thin crust pizza topped with pig fat. "The Otto Lardo" takes decadenceand saturated fatto a whole new level. Even Atkins can't excuse this one.
Otto lardo [Lockhart Steele]

· Jean-Georges does fancy Chinese at 66; Wylie Dufresne (finally) opens WD-50; and Mario Batali opens Otto. [Daily Candy]
· The 12th Annual New York Jewish Film Festival Starts [NYT]
· New York Metro's "Hot List": literary New York walking tour, the Burns Supper at the Bowery Poetry Club, and the George A. Romero retrospective. [NY Magazine]