Today's Page Six asks: "WHICH designer who's gone 'round and 'round the revolving rehab door gets his fix from a model—who's been in rehab herself, though for a different problem?" Um, we spent like an hour working on a poll for this but all the answers had poor Marc Jacobs in them so we didn't bother? (Despite this AP photo from the other night, and despite the coverline of this 2002 issue of Women's Day ("Tragic Linda Evangelista In Rehab"), we're pretty sure the god-like Linda Evangelista never actually did.) So?

The Marc Jacobsification of the West Village is like a slow gay manifest destiny. The ass-baring designer is opening his third store on Bleecker Street. Like the Creek, Navajo and Shoshone before them, the natives are upset. According to one West Village resident quoted in the Villager, "They scream, they shout, they bang the metal door constantly," said Patricia Avallone, a longtime resident at 96 Perry St. "I think something has happened here that should not have happened." And then the gays weighed in.

Designer Marc Jacobs will show his ass to pretty much anyone with a camera. You can see it in the latest Visionaire, alongside such other celebrity nudists as Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Mariah Carey, Drew Barrymore, Naomi Campbell, Scarlett Johansson, Christy Turlington, Gisele Bündchen and Selma Blair. [WWD]

"Debatable as the chic of drug abuse may be, it's hard to dispute that the theater of celebrity substance abuse is having a fashion moment. And that, too, is part of what makes the front row of a Marc Jacobs show a snapshot of where, at any particular time, as a culture, we find ourselves." Really, Guy Trebay? Seriously? [NYT]

• Foxy Brown's lawyer, state Senator (yes!) John Sampson, who had told the jury that sentenced Brown to a year in jail for violating probation that Brown was three months pregnant, apparently totally lied! [NYP]
  

Marc Jacobs' former rentboy boyfriend reportedly told people who asked about the provenance of his dead mouse brooch that he couldn't take it off because it was "a gift from Courtney." We are trying this excuse the next chance we get.

Everyone knows that Marc Jacobs is the only show of fashion week that really matters. But why does it matter, and was it good—and what were those gardening gloves about? To find out, we woke up fashion expert Alice Wetterlund, a part-time model and goddess of working in retail.

If you want to catch Lauren and Whitney from The Hills while they're in town this week, you'd be well advised to stay in the vicinity of anything Marc Jacobs. A reader reports that the show was filming at the Marc Jacobs casting yesterday, and another source with knowledge of the show's inner workings tells us that the pair flew in to New York from L.A. on Monday, and they'll mostly be hanging out at Condé Nast and Marc Jacobs. They'll head to Las Vegas for the VMAs on Sunday, and then will, reportedly, be back. Sightings are, of course, welcome.

You read Us Weekly for the articles. You can't help but be interested in what Lindsay Lohan snorted, ran her car into or slept with this week. But, you went to college, you read the new Chabons and Lethems as soon as they come out! You're not a vapid person! Good news: Celebrity is not only a major driver of the economy, it's a subject worthy of academic scrutiny. University of Southern California professor Elizabeth Currid, PhD., explains the sociology of fame and pop culture.

"Is Marc Jacobs engay-ged?" asks gossip biddy Ben Widdicombe today. What a cute way of putting it, Ben! By the way, from now on we're calling your column Gaytcrasher. Anyway, his tipster reports that former rentboy Justin Preston was spotted the other night at Barracuda, flashing a Cartier ring and telling everyone that he was engaged, much as we think he told us two weeks ago. "Then out of nowhere Marc popped up, and they were all over each other, kissing and saying 'I love you." So will they get gaymarried? Are they in homosexualove? Degayveloping!

• Concert mishap-prone diva Beyonce Knowles accidentally flashed her tits to an audience. And this had her lookin' so crazy, etc. [Hollywoodtuna which, actually, just typing that makes us feel gross]
  

We guess that when you've got someone's logo-style name tattooed on your forearm, there's a lot of pressure to stick it out.

We recently asked if Marc Jacobs had gotten a new gayface installed. But apparently, he had a whole new gaybod put in! Says the designer to the September issue of homosexual mouthpiece Out, on which he appears nekked: "You're going to get a bunch of blogs saying 'He must be on meth in order to be that skinny compared to 10 months ago,' but in fact I'm eating a totally organic diet, which has no flour, no sugar, no dairy, and no caffeine, and I lost weight because of that diet and because of a 2-hour exercise regime seven days a week." Also: "Right now I can't even imagine being attracted to someone who isn't in a healthy place on all levels. So I have to not be in the healthiest place in order to be attracted to someone like that." You know what? Gag. We're glad he's not a junkie whore, sure. Mazel tov. But the all-okra diet and talking about feeeeelings all day? Jesus, Marc. What man would want you now?

You've got to hand it to the Post: Buried at the bottom of this item about Marc Jacobs (who, we're told, once was some kind of designer or something?) is this classic disclaimer: "We didn't call Jacobs for comment because the last time we did, his rep leaked the story to WWD." [NYP]

Aged downtown art rock gods Sonic Youth have signed a deal with Starbucks to do a celebrity-compiled Sonic Youth sampler CD. Why? Can they not afford the hip replacements or something? So Marc Jacobs and Portia de Rossi apparently will choose their favorite Sonic Youth songs and off it'll go to sit in front of the register, right up there with the Alison Krauss and the Maroon 5 and the Mitch Albom. Awesome. The sad part is that Marc Jacobs might not be smart enough to actually identify a song. Or the band. This is, after all, the man who once introduced "The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant" at a Soho House screening as a "great movie about fashion." Sure honey.

• This Paris Hilton jail saga happened and happened and happened and happened.
  

"Which designer is the subject of rumors within his own company that his latest stint in rehab was just a cover while he healed from cosmetic surgery?," asks Ben Widdicombe today. Huh, well, Marc Jacobs has been looking fresher and tanner and gayer of late, but also less drug-addled. And have we really reached the point where a drug relapse is less embarrassing than a face-remodeling? Also, maybe the answer is "both?"

• Though Jessica Simpson's rep denies it, rumors are swirling that her dad Joe wants to svengali up Britney Spears. [R&M]
  

Doing anything tomorrow at 9 a.m.? Perhaps you'd like to swing over to Hudson Studios, where a tipster reports Paris Hilton will be in attendance for a Vanity Fair photo shoot. Of course, this raises an important question: Does this signal some sort of weird Paris Hilton comeback? Is she remaking herself per Graydon Carter's specifications? Oh, also, we hear that the clothes include Marc Jacobs, Hudson, Louis Vuitton, and Chanel. And what do they look like? "Like ugly shit. Like little girl, cutesy stuff." Okay then! Maybe Paris won't be presenting a new image after all.

Designer and tastemaker Marc Jacobs flew directly to a drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility in Arizona the day after showing his Louis Vuitton collection in Paris, WWD reports. "Marc made the right decision," said Jacobs' longtime business partner Robert Duffy "He'd been sober for seven years. When he relapsed, he wanted to deal with it right away ... Obviously, our prayers are with him." "Great, now the bags are going to be even more expensive," a stylish friend of ours ... um, prayed.