45-year-old New York bookkeeper John Westwood seeks a woman on whom to perform oral sex, no strings attached. While some turn to Craigslist, Westwood has developed his own approach: leaving explicit cards inside of women's magazines with his phone number.

Rumors about actor-director Eli Roth and perpetually naked scenester Peaches Geldof breaking up are gaining momentum. And here we thought the couple that writes angry blogposts to their enemies' mothers together stays together. No word from their publicists, yet. [Mirror]

Trevor Case, a 22 year-old in Lincoln, Nebraska, suspected that his girlfriend was sneaking around on him. So he waterboarded her. For her own good.

In Part 2 of our series sifting through the pages of Canadian mezzo-soprano Justin Bieber's autobiography First Step 2 Forever, we turn to his romantic side. The book educates us in the Bieber's chief pursuit: girls. So many girls.

Malik Turner, a 40 year-old Manhattan man who works for UPS, is tired of the bar scene and skeptical of internet dating. So he went ahead and posted some very direct personal ads on pay phone booths. Ladies?

Two Syrian kids, Khalid and Hala, met on a family trip and "fell in love." Their parents arranged their engagement with the wedding scheduled for 2020. When I was five, I proposed to Velma from Scooby-Doo. Thankfully she said no.

Modest, monkey-flaunting Los Angeles television reporter and former Miss USA Lu Parker is opening up about her longtime, well-known relationship with L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa—who formerly had an affair with another L.A. TV reporter. What's your media theory, Lu?

Beautiful moments ahead: Girls Gone Wild impresario and Douche of the Decade Joe Francis is finally "tying the knot" with his beloved, CBS Entertainment reporter Christina McLarty. In a "civil domestic partnership." We're invited! Well—to the "press epicenter."

Love is... commitment. Love is... compromise. Love is... not giving a shit about what your partner likes. A new study indicates that people in long-lasting marriages know less about their partners than people in shorter relationships.

Hey! Next time you have a headache, don't reach for an Advil—instead, fall passionately in love with a person of your choosing. You see, scientists have found that love can act as a fairly powerful painkiller. Like morphine!

Middle-aged writer Lois Romano explores how her own dating "litmus tests" and "dealbreakers" differ from those of her daughters. Fine. What about her sons? She has none. Out of respect for gender equality, we present some dating dealbreakers for men.

Ashton Kutcher on wife Demi: "A lot of times my wife and I sit across from each other and tweet… it's the same reason you send roses to a woman at work. Sometimes people like to be adored in public."

Aww, this is sweet: "Rep. Joseph Cao (R-La.) said he loves President Obama on a personal level, and believes that the president likes him very much, too." Enough with the games, Cao! Just ask him out already.

Breaking: everyone involved in online dating is a craven, superficial liar. And that's the good news. We're all equal! Dating should be a breeze, since we're all young, tall, wealthy, and attractive (online). But the evidence says: love's tough.

Couples cannot figure out how to sleep together. Teens are too wired to slumber. And celebrities think they're so special they don't even need to sleep. Does this sleep crisis threaten to destroy America? You could say that, yes.

Tabloid sex writer and bubbling vat of ill-concealed self-loathing Andrea Peyser refuses to bow to Hollywood's liberal sex standards. Maybe Jennifer Aniston is happy fucking a turkey baster—but for Andrea Peyser, only a live human male will do.

For what seems like one million years now, media outlets have gleefully reported that America is full of sex-hungry cougar women, chasing young men down and sucking them dry. Minor correction: turns out that's not true.

The good people at the Unilever corporation are using their scientific expertise to assist you, the 18-24 year-old male, with mating. Do you have a desire to mate? An Axe™ product may be useful in your mating quest.

Just when you thought that absurd, monstrous Biblical punishments had been consigned to the dustbin of history, the Taliban is bringing back stoning. Way to be awful monsters, guys. What crime merited this horrific execution method?

"This guy is handing his card out on the 'L' train in Chicago to women for dating purposes," a tipster informed us today. The guy in question is Paul Narang: Businessman. Republican. And eligible male. Let's meet him, shall we?