Last June, Urooj Khan, a 46-year-old who owned several dry cleaners in Chicago, won a cool million in the Illinois lottery. He reacted in an appropriate enough way, yelling "I hit a million, I hit a million!" repeatedly before leaving the 7-Eleven, only to return after a few moments to tip the store's clerk $100. Several weeks later, at a ceremony where he was presented with an oversized check, Khan said "Winning the lottery means everything to me." Khan added he had plans to donate some of the post-taxes sum of $425,000 to a local children's hospital and then invest the remaining cash into his business.

When we told you all the reasons you don't want to win the lottery, we mentioned the tragic death of appropriately named lotto winner Abraham Shakespeare. Well, earlier today, Dee Dee Moore, Shakespeare's self-proclaimed biographer and financial advisor, was convicted of the Florida man's 2009 murder.

On Friday, the second winner of the record $587.5 million Powerball jackpot stepped forward to claim his prize anonymously.

On Thursday evening, a Facebook user named Nolan Daniels posted a poorly-photoshopped picture of his supposedly-winning Powerball ticket, along with the offer that he would give $1 million to a random person who shared it. So far it's been shared over 200,000 times, because Like-addled Facebook users will share anything no matter how obviously untrue it is.

Gas station surveillance cameras apparently captured the moment one of this week's two Powerball winners realized he'd won. He reacts just about how you might expect someone who just won nearly $300 million: by freaking out.

Congratulations, person holding the ticket with 5-16-22-23-29, PB-6 on it! You just won the $550 million Powerball. That's right, you proved the naysayers wrong, and you're rich. But now what? As the haters will rush to remind you, winning the lottery is not always the best thing that could happen, but you'll prove them wrong. But first, how are you going to spend that half a billion and change? And if, for some reason, you didn't win tonight (impossible, I know), how will you spend your hard-earned fortune once your lucky numbers come up in a few months, which will definitely happen?

Tonight's Powerball jackpot — rolled over 16 times since October 6 — has reached $550 million, and officials think there's a 75 percent chance that the winning numbers will be drawn tonight.

This post was originally published in March and is being reprinted now, with some slight adjustments, because it is still true, you fools.

On the eve of a $425 million Powerball drawing, a reminder: you are not going to win the lottery.

If you run a convenience store, and someone purchases a winning scratch-off lottery ticket worth $5 million, and you decide that you want to steal it, it seems downright greedy, even in the context of a ripoff, to do this:

The Powerball jackpot is up to $320 million. Why do you play the lottery? Is it because you have a dream? Because you have hope of a better future? Because—though you know it's a long shot—you just have a good feeling about this one? Because the twinkle in your eye and the spring in your step signify your jaunty, devil-may-care attitude towards the naysayers, and a firm belief that you, a fundamentally good person, will one day get your proper reward?

Virginia Fike from Virginia […Fike] bought two lottery tickets from a truck stop a few weeks ago, one of which turned out to be worth a million dollars.

"World's most famous McDonald's employee" Mirlande Wilson—who claims she has Maryland's winning Mega Millions ticket but hasn't decided whether or not she'll accept her winning yet—almost definitely didn't win the lottery. But, damn, she has totally won the lottery-centric news cycle. Check out the latest nonchalant multi-millionaire quotes she gave to The New York Post about her supposedly winning ticket:

Mirlande Wilson, the Maryland woman who has dubiously claimed to have a winning Mega Millions ticket, had a much-anticipated press conference today with her lawyer. Did she finally show the world her winning ticket, brandished atop a little gold pillow?

The Mega Millions jackpot is half a billion dollars. A cool half-billion. You could use that money, eh? Buy your castle and everything. Have you bought your Mega Millions ticket yet? Well, don't.

In January, 30-year-old Emily Leach won $1,000,000 on a scratch-off ticket she bought at a California Liquor & Tobacco store. She used the money to pay off medical bills she had incurred while receiving treatment for a pancreatic tumor. She bought her mom a dog. She exhibited the kind of exorbitant generosity normally reserved for cartoon billionaires and Mitt Romney, by handing out $100 bills to strangers.

A 24-year-old Michigan woman who won $1M in the state lottery last September still collects welfare from her home state.

For eight years, Edward Hairston diligently contributed to his lottery office pool—eight long, jackpot-free years. While he was on medical leave, his coworkers played the Mega Millions and won $99 million. Legal issue: Is some of that money rightfully Hairston's?

The dude who decided not to get in on his usual office lottery pool on the very day that it hit a $319 million jackpot is SPEAKING OUT and TELLING HIS STORY, so that even the most miserable of us shall be able to put a face to our "at least I'm not that guy" self-reassurances. His name is Michael Kosko, he's an I.T. worker in Albany, and he "didn't have two singles" to chuck in the pool that day. And he declined to take a $2 loan from a coworker. Bummer.

A group of seven state IT workers in Albany, playing in their regular office lottery pool, hit the recent $319 million Mega Millions jackpot. And then there was the eighth guy. The one who usually played, but...just had a feeling about this one. According to the NY Post: