With a jackpot hitting upwards of $1.5 billion, tonight’s Powerball drawing is the single biggest jackpot ever to grace these United States. And considering the stock market is going to shit, we could all use a little extra cash. Too bad we won’t be getting it!

Earlier today a Fox Business Network yapper dared point out that there is absolutely no way you will ever win the lottery, because you won’t, you dunce. But this position is for some reason intolerable at Fox, which demands that you waste your money on Powerball tickets, and so the dissenter was yelled at on TV.

Some Gawker writers would tell you that you’re probably not going to win the lottery. But that doesn’t mean that someone, somewhere, someday isn’t going to become disgustingly rich. And Fox News wants you to remind you that maybe—if you spend all your money on all the lottery tickets you possibly can—that disgusting person could be you.

The Powerball jackpot reached $900 million on Saturday, the largest pot in history. It’s your time—this is the one!

Hee hee, ha ha, the New York state lottery has a new series of television ads coming out that pokes fun at the idle rich. Oh ho! Lottery advertising executives should be locked in jail for fraud.

America’s student loan crisis is heavy weight that hangs over the heads of millions of people young and old, often preventing them from living the life they once dreamed of. One New Jersey legislator has a patronizing and useless pseudo-solution to this problem.

One plausible estimate finds that America’s lowest-income households may spend more money playing (losing) the lottery than on any other form of tax. The lottery functions as a tax on those who can least afford to pay it.

An extremely lucky couple from Portsmouth, Virginia won the lottery three times in just one month.

You're not going to win the lottery — especially not the Mega Millions — but if you do you probably shouldn't leave the winning ticket lying around for two weeks as you obliviously continue on with your life. Steve Tran of Northern California did just that for 13 days.

You were never going to win the lottery. The odds were farcically low. But just in case you were keeping hope alive, we must now inform you: your odds have gotten much, much worse.

Man, if I had $47 million for every time I lost a lottery ticket, I'd be Kathryn Jones.

Getting lotto tickets in lieu of a tip is nothing like the movies — unless you take home the jackpot, that is.

Last night, three lottery-ticket-purchasers won the lottery, sharing a total jackpot of $448 million. Two of the winners are from New Jersey, one is from Minnesota.

The 84-year-old line cutter who was recently rewarded for jumping the queue at Publix with the largest single jackpot in American lottery history ($370.8 million), may have bought dinner for a restaurant full of strangers over the weekend. She also may have continued hoarding the millions all to herself, not givin' anyone shit. An employee of the Buddy Freddy's restaurant in Plant City, FL told the Tampa Bay Times that a woman who "sure looked like" Gloria MacKenzie paid for dinner for 180 people on Sunday. That woman told the employee that she sure wasn't Gloria MacKenzie; just some other mysterious 84-year-old millionaire from central Florida buying everyone dinner for no reason.

Mother-of-two Mindy Crandell was standing in line at a Publix supermarket in Zephyrhills, Florida, waiting to buy a Powerball ticket in the hopes of claiming her share of a historic $590.5 million payday, when 84-year-old Gloria C. Mackenzie suddenly cut in front of her.

Tomorrow's Powerball jackpot is reportedly approaching $600 million. Get your ticket now, but remember that winning the lottery will completely devastate your life. Also, you won't win the lottery, you fool.

A California mother of four made a very fortunate mistake last month when she accidentally purchased a winning lottery ticket at her local CVS.

They say the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. But who says that's always a bad thing?

When Jennifer Maldonado opted out of her office's lottery pool, she figured it was no big deal.

Fresh off a $75,000 windfall from a winning lottery ticket, two brothers who sought to celebrate with copious amounts of meth and marijuana ended up blowing up their house instead.