As part of this week's crash course in technology on his morning show, Regis attempted to videochat with Jimmy Kimmel, with dismal results, as expected. You just can't teach an old man new tech.

Unlike most morning show segments, this guide to understanding wine from yesterday's Regis and Kelly is actually helpful! Kevin Zraly, of the Windows on the World wine course, breaks it down for us quite simply.

Only a barbarian would pair a chardonnay with Dover sole. Now you can impress your man or ladyfriend by knowing which varietal of Two-Buck Chuck to drink with your next home-cooked meal!

To illustrate how high-drama reality shows like The Bachelor are rendering soap operas basically obsolete, Kelly Ripa took us abruptly down memory lane to her days at All My Children and busted out a soap scene in roughly twenty seconds.

When Regis and Kelly grilled Bill Evans for falsely predicting the worst snowstorm to ever hit New York City, he responded like any sane person would, by predicting another massive snowstorm. Sometimes we just want to hold these guys accountable.

Channing Tatum finally explained his mysterious penis-injury on Regis and Kelly this morning. He accidentally had boiling water poured down his wet suit on-set, resulting in scalding all "all the way down" and "very little skin in places."

Will you be sitting next to Paulie D on the Jitney next summer? This morning Regis and Kelly imagined a world where this could be a perfect reality.

Kelly Ripa showed off a clip from her son's science project on snail reproduction: being a hermaphrodite and exchanging "love darts." But not before she and hubby make the awful gaffe of announcing that their kids mated with each other.

Today on Live!, guest host Jeff Probst recounted his closest brush with FCC fire: while chatting on-air with Ryan Seacrest one day, Probst handed the phone to Alec Baldwin—but forgot to tell him that the call wasn't private.

Harrison Ford was on Regis and Kelly today with Jerry O'Conell playing the role of Regis. Everything was peachy-keen in the interview until the subject of marriage was brought up. Mr. Ford was not pleased with this topic.

Regis revealed today that his telephone difficulties extend beyond land lines. Kelly attempts to explain the simplicity of the iPhone's technology, but Regis insists that "it would take me a day and a half to tap all 3,000 apps!"

This one is for all the Canadians out there. Today on Regis and Kelly, Kelly Ripa's husband Mark Consuelos pontificate on the hilarity of some city names.

We're glad to have Regis back after his hip surgery. But when Kelly asks about New Year's resolutions, he replies, "never wearing a catheter again." Just what Live! viewers want to envision with their morning coffee.

Today on Live! With Regis and Kelly, Bryant Gumbel, who is filling in for Regis Philbin, announced he had surgery two months ago to remove a cancerous tumor from his lung.

We warned you against a bunch of "topical" Halloween costumes to avoid because they were going to be played-out and everyone would wear them. Well, Regis and Kelly ignored all our advice and dressed up as every one.

[Expecting mother Padma Lakshmi looks positively pregnant in purple while leaving Live with Regis and Kelly this morning. Image via INF]

So here's Anderson Cooper on his show tonight talking to Erica Hill about an innocent little interview he did with ABC's Bachelorette, Jillian Harris. But then a clip from the interview is played and Cooper immediately inquires about the sexing.

Nicole Kidman's cringe-inducing appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night is continuing to serve up some aftershocks, and during the star's appearance on Regis and Kelly today, Regis treated Kidman as though she were promoting her late-night trainwreck, not Australia.To be fair, Kidman (made up to look like an insane cross between a pilgrim and the Baroness from The Sound of Music) attempted to be diplomatic about the appearance, but Regis refused to have it, placing the blame for the encounter squarely on Letterman. Careful, Regis — a war with Dave is one that few walk away from as the victor. Just look what happened to John McCain! [Live with Regis and Kelly]

We're going to preface this by saying that we here at Defamer don't just respect our elders, we downright adulate them. (That is, unless they're in the car ahead of us, counting pennies at the Vons 15-items-or-less lane, or generally engaging us in a conversation that involves several extinct movie stars and cookie brands that we've never heard of.) The last thing we'd want is for you to think we were taking some sort of perverse pleasure in witnessing whatever it is Cloris Leachman's body was doing on Dancing with the Stars last night.In a similar vein, we're not providing the above Regis Philbin brainfartstravaganza to mock the lightly addled broadcast legend. God only knows how many bits of showbiz ephemera he's amassed over the years, and are currently floating through his cortex like fabulous amoeba; the very act of reaching up and grabbing the right one at the right moment seems almost a fool's task. We'll tell you one name, however, that Reeg will never blank on: that of his schoolgirlish mancrush object, Jon Hamm. With a side of eggs, if you please. Are we right, Reeg? Special thanks to intern Matthew Rebula for doing such a nice job in putting this together.

Aspiring celebrities about to make your first rounds on the talk show circuit, take note. Earlier this year, we cautioned you regarding the pitfalls of repeating the same anecdote word-for-word on multiple talk show appearances, using Jason Segal's penis-bearing fable as our example. Tonight, we'd like to walk through the subtle art of how to recognize what kind of stories are good for dinner parties versus those that are suitable to be told to a national television audience, showcasing Mad Men star Jon Hamm's disastrously disrespectful appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Friday night.In this clip cut together by our very own Molly McAleer, you'll see two sides of the very same story coming together and then exploding before your very eyes. Here's a quick primer. You see, Mr. Don Draper himself, Jon Hamm, appeared on the Live With Regis And Kelly show on Thursday morning. Little did he know, both Regis and his wife are huge fans of the show Mad Men. They're such big fans, in fact, that the 77-year-old Regis thought it would be fun to spend a little time after the show with Hamm, going as far as to invite him over to the Philbin's apartment. Being the good sport that he is, Hamm agreed to hang with Reege and Joy for a few hours, posing for pictures and making small talk until other obligations rescued him from what was undoubtedly an awkward situation. Up until this point, it was a win/win for all parties involved. Hamm endeared himself to a showbiz legend and Reege got to hang with an actor who likely reminds him of his 1960s glory days. (As you'll see in the clip above, Regis is still beaming four days later.) However, Hamm submarined himself by being unable to hold his tongue about how he really felt about spending time with the Philbins when he came on Kimmel's show on Friday night. Rather than save the story of Regis' wacky behavior for the afterparty in the green room of the El Capitan, he made the cardinal mistake of derisively referring to one of Hollywood's most endearing and popular fixtures as "an elfin force of nature" and a "crazy showbiz guy." Boo! Jon, we know your intentions were in the right place. You were on your friend's show, you had a great story and you just wanted to make the audience laugh. However, poking fun at a beloved institution like Regis is miles apart from poking fun at a tired old windbag like, say, Larry King. Save the barbs about how "crazy" Regis is for when you're kicking back with a few beers at your buddy Kimmel's house, versus sitting on his chair with cameras trained on you and millions thousands of people watching. If you want your career to have legs, that's a lesson you'll want to learn sooner rather than later.

Why wait till May? Or even till 10 o'clock tonight? The Coop guested for Regis on Live this morning, and an eagle-eyed viewer (watching from a market where the show comes on at 10 a.m.) sent this report: