On Tuesday, America's neighbor that they have to play with even though she always smells like cigarette smoke and one time she set a bug on fire so they don't have to let her in their room but they do have to play with her out back for a few minutes because the moms are talking, Lindsay Lohan, posted a pair of tweets informing the world that her laptop had been stolen from the Shanghai airport and offering a reward for anyone who retrieved and returned it.

Over the weekend, Barron Hilton — brother to Paris and Nicky, son of a hotel — got his ass kicked at a mansion in Miami allegedly at the behest of Lindsay Lohan. What a fantastic news story.

Kenny Powers fooled us twice.

It's October 3rd.

Lindsay Lohan’s mother-but-really-I-look-more-like-her-sister-don’t-you-think Dina was arrested for drunk driving in Long Island last night. TMZ says cops recorded her blood alcohol level at more than twice the legal limit. Lindsay is rumored to be living with a sober coach in Manhattan.

Maybe The Canyons isn't a movie, but a performance art piece about Lindsay Lohan's dramatic tardiness.

"Normalcy is not interesting," said Lindsay Lohan toward the end of her sit-down with Oprah Winfrey on Oprah's Next Chapter, which aired last night. The actress sounded not just granted with serenity, but self-awareness — her interview was slow and bland. It was seasoned with information that was already evident to anyone paying attention to the hopeful former-troubled-star: Lohan is an addict whose poison is alcohol, she finds going to court humiliating, and she is eager to work/maintain her sobriety that's a result of her recent three-month trip to rehab (with one month spent at Betty Ford and the other two at Cliffside Malibu).

Above are highlights from Lindsay Lohan's gig as Chelsea Lately guest host. During the show, she took (mostly) good-natured jabs at Anthony Weiner, Kanye West, Justin Bieber, One Direction's Harry Styles, Kristen Stewart, the absent Chelsea Handler, and herself.

Lindsay Lohan's "career-jumpstarter" The Canyons is available on Video on Demand in certain markets starting today, but it's so bad that you probably won't watch it.

Porn performer James Deen will not discuss his Canyons costar Lindsay Lohan. But he will discuss his experiences with gay sex, both onscreen—in Paul Schrader’s aforementioned bizarrely mesmerizing and already-storied thriller—and in his real life. What does that say about a performer whose heterosexuality is a commodity that’s sold countless straight porn movies, including Farrah Abraham’s “sex tape?”

Lindsay Lohan is getting exactly what she needs to jump-start her career: a reality show to air on OWN in 2014. Before that, Oprah will give her a stern-talking to in the form of an interview, set to tape in August when Linds is out of rehab.

Lindsay Morgan (née Dee) Lohan turns 27 today. She is passing the day quietly, in rehab.

Following a daylong adventure of dubious legality, World’s Most Complicated Human Lindsay Lohan has finally careened into a rehab facility. After initially planning to undergo a court-ordered 90 days of treatment in her home state of New York, she switched last minute (without the court's permission) to a facility in California so she could smoke. While her lawyer Mark Heller told a judge yesterday that Lohan was "ensconced in the bosom" of Morningside Rehab in Newport Beach, it was later revealed that the actress' SUV had merely pulled up to the facility; she never checked in. She did, however, visit an electronics store. Now she's at the Betty Ford Center (where she can also smoke).

Lindsay Lohan, a trickster god leftover from an ancient time to sow chaos among the living, checked in for her court-ordered rehab today, right on schedule. She did not check into the correct rehab, allegedly because she couldn't smoke at that one.

On Tuesday night, America's cinnamon challenge Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed a picture of herself hard(ish) at work, packing for her upcoming court-ordered 90-day stint in rehab. Lohan captioned the photo, which finds her surrounded by duffel bags, suitcases, and what appears to be a toy chest stuffed with clothes ,"90 days and 270 looks," before locking down her account.

Lindsay Lohan's two segments on the Late Show with David Letterman weren't entirely awkward. Though Letterman continued to grill Lohan on rehab and her addictions, in this clip from later in the interview, he referenced all the jokes he's made at her expense and praised her for having "enough spine, enough sense of yourself, enough poise to come out here and talk to me." Lohan teared up to the point of having trouble setting up the clip from Scary Movie 5, which she was there to promote. Humanity shines through.

To promote...something, Lindsay Lohan appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman Tuesday night. Letterman, of course, asked about Lohan's upcoming trip to rehab. "We didn't discuss this in the pre-show interview," she answered, clearly caught off guard. The rest of the interview is awkward, to say the least, though Lohan at least gets a halfway decent Dr. Phil burn in towards the end.

Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she's pregnant, but she's probably not. It's always April Fools' somewhere.

At age 26, Lindsay Lohan has been taken into police custody a grand total of six times. Assuming this pattern holds for the rest of her life (and that she lives as long as the average American woman), she will have been admitted to jail roughly 19 times by the time she dies at age 81 (in jail).

Lindsay Lohan is headed back to rehab for 90 days.